DP's use of "adult" sites is really hurting me and making me doubt relationship

[missbumpy]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable and hormonal post-partum but, to put it in context, I'm really struggling with being a new mum (DD is 4 weeks old). I think I might have PND. Every day's a struggle. DP is studying full time (a course which I'm paying for) and is out all day, didn't take any time off after the birth of our DD, then has work to do every evening and often stays up until 4, 5 or even 6am claiming that he's doing work for college.

When DD was 2 weeks old I found loads of porn on the internet history for the day before. It actually made me feel physically sick to think of him looking at porn in the next room while I was in bed in the next room trying to feed our new baby and wishing he would come to bed because I just needed a hug.

I confronted him about it and he said he thought I was over-reacting but he wouldn't do it again because he could see how much it hurt me.

Then last weekend I found a DVD lying around in the living room. He claims he hadn't watched and didn't even know it was there.

Now, just now I found more porn on the history from last night and the night before.

This hurts me on so many levels. I'm feeling so low about myself anyway post-baby and it this just makes me feel worse. I need my DP so much right now and I feel he's not there for me and our DD and it just feels like a kick in the teeth to know that he's spending time looking at porn when he could be giving us a cuddle or getting on with his college work so he'd have more time for me during the day. It also p*sses me off because the computer is from my work and I remember explicitly saying to him ages ago that he couldn't look at anything dodgy on it because it belongs to my work and I'll have to give it back one day.

Sorry for long post. I'm just feeling really gutted and like I want to split up with DP. Not because I'm really uptight about porn but because I feel really let down.

I know lots of people on MN are really into porn and I know there have been some long contentious threads about this recently and I don't really want to get into the rights and wrongs of the industry etc. All I know is it's making me feel terrible.

He's out at the moment but will be home soon. I need to confront him about it but I don't know what to say. I end up crying every time I try to confront him about anything at the moment. No one told me I'd be such a blubbering wreck post-baby!

Please help. Or just reassure me I'm not being crazy.

Sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment

I don't think you're being unreasonable. At all. The fact that the major distraction is porn is neither here nor there, though it is very emotive... I think the major issues are your dp's seeming lack of support for you, time for you and your new dd, and reluctance to bond as a new unit/family at such a special and important time. If he were at work all hours, or at the pub, or at the football etc it would be the same, IMO.

However you do have to wonder why porn is such an important part of his life atm. Has he always looked at it, as long as you've known him? If yes, did it bother you before? Has he struggled with your pregnancy?

Have you spoken to him about this yet?

I think for some people it gets to be like an addiction, looking at porn. I had a pop up come up on my computer saying that my partner had signed up to this porn site and owed money etc. He swore blind he hadn't. I guess the thing is your hubby is looking at these sites rather than helping with the baby and emotionally looking after you when you most need it. This is totally selfish and he needs to get his priorities right. You are not crazy, but if you think you have PND please get some professional help a.s.a.p the sooner you get help the sooner you will get better. Take care.

It sounds like the you are more hurt that DP isn't giving you the support you need having just given birth.To be honest If it were me i would be just as p**ed off if it were any 'hobby' or other 'passtime' if it was the focus of my partners attention as this stage in the game. So no, i think you have a right to be bloody well fed up.

I am no way an expert on the male sex (lol- I wish!) but i have heard tell that some men can act very strangely after a baby comes into the relationship, I don't buy his excuse that he 'didn't know' there was a porn DVD laying around, is he trying to get a reaction or something? Some men react really imnsecurely to their partners diverted attentions.....

Ref the staying up to the wee small hours, sorry but he is a father now and needs to make you and baby his first priority, yes his studies are important but not at the expense of his family. No course requires 24hrs a day and I suspect his nocturnal leanings are more about keeping his own space. Ho Hum, men are strange creatures, but maybe you need to sit him down and lay down a few ground rules, tell him that (even if you dont really mind the porn under normal circumstances) now is not the time for him to be flaunting it. Also I do think it is a bit disrespectful to be looking at it on a works computer and could genuinely cause you problems.

Please don't feel down down yourself, it is SO normal to be tearful and emotional this soon after giving birth. I really thought I was going mad after having DS as would just burst into tears for ABSOLUTELY no reason lol!! Sometimes in the middle of s perfectly nice conversation. Get DP involved with baby, even if you are BF there is plenty he can do.

All the best x

thanks. yes i knew he liked porn before i got pregnant and we had a falling out about it then but the issue was never resolved and i think his solution was to be a bit more discreet about where he left his stash lying around.

i think you're all right. it's about him prioritising other things, not me and the baby. he's really struggling with being a new dad and being a student but frankly, i'm struggling too so i don't have much sympathy.

we talked about it last night and he admitted he was wrong to do it on my work computer but he didn't see why i had a problemwith the porn. his view was that i was threatening to throw away our relationship all because "he had a w@nk" . he also said he was finding it hard that we haven't had sex in ages (it's only 4 weeks since I gave birth and had episiotomy).

this whole thing just makes me feel really sad and also really furious

Oh missbumpy I feel for you. I wonder if he'd fancy sex if someone had just kicked him in the goolies or he'd had a vasectomy the day before ? It's so insensitive.

Have you tried explaining to him in very unemotive language (hard I know!) that because of the episiotomy it would just be too painful? It might also help to explain that you understand he's feeling shell-shocked too. Perhaps he might understand that your need to conserve your energies for yourself and the baby are the equivalent of him needing his personal space (I wouldn't get into the rights and wrongs of the porn at this stage because you're both feeling so fragile). Could you suggest that instead of doing your own separate thing, that you might both gain comfort from a cuddle - without baby to reassure him that you still exist as a couple and that he's not being squeezed out. You could then cuddle with the baby at a later stage. He may just be feeling in need of reassurance that he matters too. Hard I know when you've got so much on your plate.

Don't be hard on yourself though. The hormones whizzing round your body are incredible 4 weeks after the birth. If you're breast-feeding your DP is also having to get used to the sight of your body being primarily for the baby, rather than, in his eyes, him. Even if you're not bf, some men react quite strongly to the fact that they've seen their DP in pain, out of control etc. during the birth. How was the birth for you both? His use of porn, whilst IMO inexcusable, may be explained by his need to view a woman's body in a sexual light.

Hope this helps. You have my huge sympathy and lots of hugs. Hang on in there and be kind to yourself. As much rest as you can. Ask friends to help with domestic tasks if possible.

Thanks Utka. Your post made me cry. I'm such a bundle of hormones at the mo.

I am breast feeding and I've found it v difficult and often painful. DP has made afew light hearted but v insensitive comments like "I can't wait to get your tits back". He has a charming way with words! So I guess he's struggling with not being able to see my body as sexual.

I just don't feel I've got the energy to worry about how he's feeling about my body...I'm having trouble enough working out howI feel about my body! I just need him to grow up and be there for me.

Absolutely! You could try telling him that. Use those words and see what he says. If you can explain how overwhelming it all is for you, and show that you sympathise with how he's feeling, then he might be more understanding. I think the difficulty is that he is struggling to grow up all of a sudden. Many men find the transition from being a partner to being a parent a huge leap. I guess it's different for mums - no less difficult, but different because we have the baby physically inside us for 9 months and we kind of adapt gradually. Even if we don't know what to expect when the baby appears, we know there is one!

Sorry to have made you cry - not what you need at the moment . BF is tough to start off with - no one really tells you that it's a skill, like everything else, and has to be learned. Do you have a bf drop in near you? Some health centres have them - your health visitor would know. Sometimes it helps to see other people breastfeeding. Do you have any other source of support, such as local NCT bumps and babes get togethers or your NHS class group? Having others to talk to who are going through exactly the same thing as you at the same time, is so reassuring. I can really recommend the NCT breastfeeding line - it's not just for 'problems'. The number is 0870 444 8708. I found them great. You could also try The Breastfeeding Network supporter line, which is staffed by volunteers with training who are also experienced breastfeeders themselves.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Sorry - forgot to add the number for the BFN line - 0870 900 8787.

Thanks. I went to a bf support group at a local clinic yesterday and it was really good getting out and getting some help. I'd like to go to a mums and babies group too but I'm taking it one step at a time. I still find it quite a struggle getting dressed and out of the house each day! I seem to spend most of my life in my pyjamas holding my screaming DD wondering how I'm going to make a cup of tea/brush my teeth/get a shower etc.

Hi missbumpy - how are you?

Glad you found the bf support group good. I do sympathise with the getting dressed and out of the house bit. I found it helped to scale down my expectations massively. No 1 priority (above housework etc.) became having a shower and getting dressed in something that made me feel good (hard if, like me, you still look 9 months pregnant, but essential for morale . I remember numerous showers taken with DD1 in a bouncy chair or the moses basket, on the bathroom floor. Quite often she was screaming her head off. I used to find a power shower drowned it out though, and it was only for 5-10 mins. You need to take care of yourself as well as baby, otherwise taking care of baby becomes harder.

Hope this helps.

missbumpy - i've only just come across this thread, but just wanted to give you a bit of moral support! having a new baby is hard for both of you, but IMO your dp is being a little insensitive (to say the least).

as well as the bf-ing support lines Utka put on here i just wanted to put a link to the baby cafe - i used to go to one in my area when ds was littler and they are really really great. it's like a M&T group, but with bf-ing support as well. if there's one near you i would definitely recommend that you check them out.

I'd hit the roof if I found porn in my living room. So I really feel for you. As for looking at porn on your work computer - is he mad? I'd tell him how I felt and I wouldn't worry about using emotional language either.

You need to remove your work computer from the house or put a password on it that only you know - don't let your dp use it any more, even if he says he needs it for college stuff. You will get into real trouble at work for misusing the equipment you've been given.

at the moment you are understandably feeling emoinal and perhaps vulnerable. I thin there are a few things going on here

1. you want him to tak some time with you
2. you want him to help you out a bit witht he baby and take some time and pressure off you 3)you feel neglected and relegated
3. he is being insensative

i think the best way forward would be to write a few things down and without shouting and tears just tell him that you miss him and you need his help and support. you understand it must be frustrating for him but a little sympathy and compassion please as you just pushed a person out of your flange.

words are meaningless without structured action so i suggest that you structure your days. so that he has the baby sometimes and he does certain chores.

discuss whether going to bed together would help things out - as you would get your cuddle and he would get more sleep.

the bottom line is - unless he makes an effort to include you and the baby in his life things arn't going to get better

i think you should also remind him of the bleedin' obvious - women need to feel wanted and loved and adored and nice things about them, women need ot feel sexy - to want sex. he cant just pop in and say " get yer knickers off love" - and thats going to take time. remind him that your hormones are naturally up and down at the moment and that perhaps your reaction to things might be a little OTT ( if they are?) but that doesn't negate the actual point.

so less about porn - more about time and structure - imo

missbumpy just noticed this. My DH watches porn & I hate it. He doesn't go on porn sites but gets DVD's from work .

My DH was the same after DD was born, he didn't seem interested in helping out but like someone else said here, maybe a man feels left out when a baby comes along, who knows how the male mind works.

By Custardo - "think you should also remind him of the bleedin' obvious - women need to feel wanted and loved and adored and nice things about them, women need ot feel sexy - to want sex. he cant just pop in and say " get yer knickers off love" - and thats going to take time. remind him that your hormones are naturally up and down at the moment and that perhaps your reaction to things might be a little OTT ( if they are?) but that doesn't negate the actual point.

so less about porn - more about time and structure - imo "

So very true Custardo.

DP knows he's doing something that upsets you and makes you feel sh*t about yourself, therefore he should stop, FULLSTOP!!! No excuses, no mollycoddling. Could you ever imagine doing something to hurt him, and actually continuing it even though DP was upset....I doubt it!!!

Some women don't mind porn. You do, so no excuses!!! If he is addicted he needs help. You shouldn't have to put up with it, I'm so angry for you