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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I Tell Them?

19 replies

Onalake · 05/05/2021 18:30

My DH is an alcoholic. He admits this but says he doesn't want to stop drinking.

We live some distance from family but are expecting an overnight visit by my parents as soon as they are permitted.

My parents have no idea how bad DH's drinking is, that some days he can barely function, and has given up his job as he can't manage it with his drinking.

I have asked DH if he thinks he can be 'functioning' during the two night visit, but he says he can't guarantee this. Do I tell my parents now about the issues at home, or see if DH can hold himself together for the duration of their visit? If he can, all well and good, if not I can explain all then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onalake · 05/05/2021 18:31

No dependent children btw, before anyone suggests I shouldn't put children through living with an alcoholic father.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 05/05/2021 18:34

Yes, I think you should tell them. I wouldn't want to be presented with it out of the blue.

Littlefish · 05/05/2021 18:36

Tell them in advance so they are pre-warned.

Also, be prepared to answer their questions, such as...

Does dh plan to do anything about his drinking?

How do you feel about him not working, due to his drinking?

Etc etc

Stichintime · 05/05/2021 18:37

I would actually wait and see how he behaves. If its obvious when they're visiting then tell them. If you need their support and want them to know tell them beforehand.

Tempusfudgeit · 05/05/2021 18:37

Why should you tolerate an alcoholic husband who wants to be?

Isadora2007 · 05/05/2021 18:39

Why are you ashamed of how you live? Why isn’t it good enough for your parents to see the reality?

1WayOrAnother2 · 05/05/2021 18:40

That sounds tough for you OP (I don' t mean the visit!). How do you feel about living with him?

BornIn78 · 05/05/2021 18:41

Why are you trying to hide the fact that you have a non-functioning alcoholic husband from your parents?

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 05/05/2021 18:45

My sympathies. I think you should let your parents see your reality, they will support you and help you out of the situation if they see how bad it is.

nolovelost · 05/05/2021 18:49

Why do you put up with that? He doesn't work because he drinks, he'd have to if he was on his own. How can he put so much pressure on you like that, he expects you cover the cost of everything. Have you asked him to get help with his drinking, and how long are you going to put up with it?

I think your family should be aware of the situation. Does he get violent or depressive?

toocold54 · 05/05/2021 19:10

Honestly I’d ask them not to come and explain why.
If you think it’s bad and you are used to it it is just going to be really unpleasant for them.
Could they (him) stay in a hotel instead?

Original poster

Onalake · 05/05/2021 19:43

I don't know to do quotes but will try to answer some questions....

@Tempusfudgeit I don't know, but don't think I will be tolerating it much longer.

@isadora2007 I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but I am. I don't want my parents to think less of him as someone with an addiction, or of me for living with it.

@1WayOrAnother2 I feel let down, disrespected and alone. I need to leave 😫

@bornin78, answer is the same as to Isadora

@WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName I am very self sufficient and asking for help and support isn't really something we do in our family. We are a bit stiff upper lip types.

@nolovelost I have asked him to get help, but to be frank, he doesn't want to. He does realise he has a problem when sober or very, very drunk when he gets maudlin, but he does nothing about it.

As stated above, I am very self sufficient and don't find it easy to ask for support or help, but I know I can't do this alone. We live at the other end of the UK from our families, so see them only a couple of times a year.

He isn't violent at all, but does get very maudlinn and feels sorry for himself and for me too.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 05/05/2021 19:45

You need to tell them in advance. Would they help you? It would be better if they stayed in a hotel rather than with you if they are very elderly - it could be really awful.

You say you don't have dependent children - do you have any children who live at home?

Original poster

Onalake · 05/05/2021 19:47

@toocold54 I think if he can't control his drinking he will just stay out of the way and leave me and my parents to go out and do whatever we plan to do without him. He is ashamed of himself and I am pretty sure he won't want my parents to see him wasted.

He usually just talks shite and listens to crap music very loudly while chatting to the dogs and cat.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onalake · 05/05/2021 19:49

@HollowTalk I'm not really sure how they could help to be honest. Parents are early 70's and still work so not decrepit.

No children living at home, all grown up and flown the nest.

OP posts:

1WayOrAnother2 · 05/05/2021 20:42

Sorry to hear that Onalake.

You probably know that if he doesn't really really want to change - he won't. Sadly this is something you (and his friends/family) have no power over.

In fact, staying and supporting him might actually even make things worse. Alcoholics do often say that they have to reach 'rock bottom' before they can decide to act.

The important thing though is your life.

Lives are short and precious. You need to spend yours well.

(If you are happy staying with him despite his behaviour - no one should criticise you. However, if you are not happy - don't let his addiction guilt you into staying.)

user1493494961 · 05/05/2021 21:06

My Father was a drinker, I hated it. I think it would be best to tell your parents and let them decide if they want to come. Could you meet them at a hotel half-way.

DeciduousPerennial · 05/05/2021 21:07

Yes, you need to tell them, for their sakes if nothing else, you can’t let them walk into this without warning.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 21:09

I'm shocked you would even subject your parents to this drunkard at all, never mind how baffling it is that you're still with him. The whole senario is madness.

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