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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out exH is up to his old tricks

26 replies

Live01818118181 · 05/05/2021 13:38

We are very over btw, I'm remarried and he is due to get married soon too, but for reference we have DCs and shared custody of them. When we were together there were all manner of issues, but the most commonly occurring was that he likes to get in contact with lots of other women on OLD to bolster his self esteem.

I saw my cousin-in-law this weekend and she mentioned she had been in contact with someone who had the same surname as my DC, wondering if they were related. And lo and behold, it turns out it's my exH.

Now I'm kind of torn on what to do. Obviously the right answer here is that it's none of my business and to stay out of it. Except a messy break up down the line is my business in a way, as it will affect my DCs. Then I also feel uncomfortable not telling, as 1) I felt like I was going crazy for years and would have appreciated "proof" from someone, and 2) I feel that I've achieved something in working through the shame of having this secret (him cheating on me) that I never told anyone about for years, and now I feel like I've been thrown back into it against my will.

I'm angry that I can't win here, that I now have this burden of knowing about his dodgy behaviour and no way to deal with it. I know telling his DF is probably the wrong thing to do, and if she's like me she may well know already anyway. But I don't think doing nothing is fair on either me (the burden of knowing there is a ticking bomb) or her.

There is also an underlying issue here, that she is much younger than him (afaik she wasn't the OW, but I know he did know her before we separated), and he has controlling tendencies. So I'm worried for her 😕

OP posts:

Bumzoo · 05/05/2021 13:43

I don't really understand who he's seeing, is it your cousin's friend?

Regardless I'd say nothing.

RedMarauder · 05/05/2021 13:51

Only and only if she mentions dating him should you simply say - "Oh you are aware xxx is my ex-husband"

Then change the subject and talk about something else.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 05/05/2021 13:53

Do you actually have any proof, screen shots from your cousin for instance? I doubt you'll be believed without concrete evidence. Its a tricky one, but I do get what you're saying about the eventual fallout from this effecting your DC.

ScottChegg · 05/05/2021 13:54

So he's in a long term relationship and getting married soon, meanwhile he's doing idk what, online dating or something and has been talking to your now dh's cousin? Is that it?

Who is it your unsure about telling? The cousin or his partner?

denverRegina · 05/05/2021 13:56

What's a cousin in law and why can't he talk to them?

MarshmallowAra · 05/05/2021 13:56

Why would she be unsure about telling the cousin - the cousin told her she's been in contact with him on old!!!

It's his current partner/fiancee

MarshmallowAra · 05/05/2021 13:57

I'd send any proof from the cousin (in law) and say it's his MO.

Anonymously.

MarshmallowAra · 05/05/2021 13:57

Unless you're ok with not doing it anonymously.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 13:58

Your ex's fiance will never believe you so I wouldn't even bother. All you will accomplish is causing a massive shit storm in your relationship with your ex, which will then impact your children.

SelkieFly · 05/05/2021 13:59

Op said she had remarried so it's her new husband's cousin surely?!

LarsErickssong · 05/05/2021 14:02

Not sure why the OP is so hard for others to understand... OPs exH is due to get married soon, however OPs cousin-in-law has seen/spoken to him on dating sites not realising who he is, therefore OPs dilemma is whether to tell Exh's fiancée or not!

ScottChegg · 05/05/2021 14:13

I wouldn't tell the new fiancee, I think you're the wrong person to do that. You're too close to the situation and they're likely to shoot the messenger with your kids getting caught in the fallout.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 05/05/2021 14:15

I would get screen shots and try to find a way to send them anonymously.

Deathgrip · 05/05/2021 14:19

I assume you’ve told your DH’s cousin that what’s going on?

The fiancé won’t believe you, but she may believe the cousin if she wants to inform her and send proof. It’s a bit of a no-win situation to be honest.

Original poster

Live01818118181 · 05/05/2021 14:22

@LarsErickssong

Yes that's it - sorry if I've overcomplicated it!

You're all right though, I strongly doubt she'd believe me if I told her, and yes that could also impact on the DCs if he/she/both of them blame me. Yet anonymously can be written off easily too, so I don't think that would go any better.

DH doesn't understand why it is niggling away at me, but it is reminding me of being back in that position where ex's behaviour made me ashamed to tell anyone. Which makes me angry as I am not that person (blaming myself for it) anymore. Hoping someone else has experience of similar so can see why it's bothering me?

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 05/05/2021 14:27

I’d just ask the cousin to screen shots his messages and send it to the fiancé - and say smth like - ‘I understand this is your fiancé - can you ask him to leave me alone’
And not mention you or the whole history

She - the fiancé - can do with it as she pleases but at least she’ll have the choice.

Pricklykaktus · 05/05/2021 14:28

I’m not sure I’d say or do anything. Sounds like he’ll be like this forever if, like you say “he’s up to his old tricks”. Not to sound defeatist, but he and his new fiancé may just have to learn the hard way. Getting involved on account that it will affect your DC’s, well they’ll be affected by his behaviour regardless of how much you try to protect them. They may even learn from his mistakes themselves.

crackingcrackers · 05/05/2021 14:31

It's a tough one as you don't want it to blow up in your face. I think I'd also feel sorry for his young fiance as she could waste a good chunk of her life to him too, as well as all the pain when it comes out. Would you have wanted to have been tipped off about him? I think that if you can find a way to send his profile to her anonymously then that would probably be the best way forward. Does your cousin now know that it was him?

wobblywinelover · 05/05/2021 14:32

Don't get involved. The truth will out eventually

crackingcrackers · 05/05/2021 14:34

How often does he have you DCs? The longer he's with her, the more attached they'd get to her

ShagMeRiggins · 05/05/2021 14:36

Ask your ex: why are you contacting my cousin on a dating site when you’re due to be married to someone else?

I like direct and calm questioning. It usually gets good results.

Ask him to think of the children. That doesn’t always help, but it’s a valid request.

Original poster

Live01818118181 · 05/05/2021 14:45

@ShagMeRiggins

Ask your ex: why are you contacting my cousin on a dating site when you’re due to be married to someone else?

I like direct and calm questioning. It usually gets good results.

Ask him to think of the children. That doesn’t always help, but it’s a valid request.

I think this is probably the most realistic way I can approach it.

Yes I told cousin, but it's one of those immediate deleting apps, so there's no proof to show.

For a while he moved away and the children were with us full time, but he has now moved back to the area and we share them 50:50. For as long as they are happy with that arrangement anyway, as they are getting older and less keen on being away from home.

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 05/05/2021 14:50

Could your cousin start chatting to him, screen shoot some of it & then contact his fiancée saying she knows his ex & his children and wanted to warn her what he's like before she gets married to him?

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 05/05/2021 15:38

I just know I would want to know, but proof would definitely help.

Dacquoise · 05/05/2021 17:06

Had a similar issue with exhusband who is a passive aggressive nightmare, very manipulative and sly. Ended up in therapy because of the abuse. Was very concerned about his new partner, now wife and wanted to warn her. However, like others have said I very much doubt she would have listened, would have been perceived as jealous or vindictive so I left it. I am glad I did as she was abusive towards my DD. He is her problem now. All you can do is stand back and watch, step in for your children if necessary.

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