I thought having 2 children would put past things behind us...

[LAlexander7]

Hi,

My wife and I have been together for 12 years married for 7. We've had some ups and downs, and my wife had anorexia and mental health challenges including real lack of confidence and had been sexually assaulted when she was younger. We're in our 30s now, and we have 2 children under 2. We've had a stillborn and 6 MC's in our journey to being parents.

My wife has real ups and downs and is being really challenging recently (she's been like this since we met) she really lacks any sort of confidence in many things especially being a parent { I genuinely think she's fantastic) and she didn't go back to work after our son died, she's a children's nurse. So she's kinda put her career on hold. She feels fat, unfit no career, marriage crumbling etc.

I find her so difficult because when she's down she gets really angry, shouting, unreasonable, stubborn and generally really hard to be around. I've not helped in the past, I'm trying to be calmer when things like this happen now.

If we split up a part of me feels this is one long game of "see I was right, I'm not good enough for anyone, I knew I wasn't worth anything" and the last thing I want is for us to divorce as I do genuinely love her to bits and for the most part we get on well! I want the kids to see their mum and dad together as a happy family!

Well fwiw (and I don't mean this as harshly as it probably sounds) children are not a magic bandaid that will fix all your problems and insecurities and make your relationship rock-solid, sometimes the exact opposite tbh. I imagine she probably found the 6 MCs quite difficult on top of all her past struggles. On the flipside yes it can be hard being the partner of someone who is dealing with mental health issues. Would she be open to getting some counselling or similar?

You cant fix her OP, not at all. Is she getting help for all of this?

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
I have had a stillbirth, and I think at times my DH would say the same things as you've said about your wife for many of those things.
For father's stillbirths are obviously as unbearable as they are for mother's, it's the loss of your child, of course it is beyond agonizing.
However, for a woman, from my experience anyway, it comes with so many emotions that really are impossible to process. I know it's not my fault, but I blame myself, I blame my body, I blame myself for it failing my son so badly. I know that there was nothing that anyone could have done to prevent it but I still feel the way I do. I, like your wife have had anorexia for years and then on top of that, having a very warped feeling about my body, knowing that it has done what it has and caused a stillbirth, just adds to my feelings of low self worth.

I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest but... maybe if you can see any of this in your wife, maybe it would help.

I know it's very hard for my husband dealing with my mental and phsyical health issues so I imagine it is for you.

Are either of you getting any help?

Sorry I missed out a word there :
I think at times my DH would say the same things about me as you've said about your wife for many of those things.

Op you sound like a strong amazing couple. Going through so many losses and then being parents to 2 young dcs most women would've given up. I'm sorry for your losses. Your wife if she hasn't already suffered mh issues she most definitely would now. She must be made of titanium if not. I've suffered sexual abuse and eating disorders and it's not something that disappears its something that always under control. Children can put strain on the most solid relationships as children are hard work consistently. You have no time for selfishness or desires. Your wife really needs you more then ever right now more then she would ever say. You can do it op

@YarnOver

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I have had a stillbirth, and I think at times my DH would say the same things as you've said about your wife for many of those things. For father's stillbirths are obviously as unbearable as they are for mother's, it's the loss of your child, of course it is beyond agonizing. However, for a woman, from my experience anyway, it comes with so many emotions that really are impossible to process. I know it's not my fault, but I blame myself, I blame my body, I blame myself for it failing my son so badly. I know that there was nothing that anyone could have done to prevent it but I still feel the way I do. I, like your wife have had anorexia for years and then on top of that, having a very warped feeling about my body, knowing that it has done what it has and caused a stillbirth, just adds to my feelings of low self worth.

I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest but... maybe if you can see any of this in your wife, maybe it would help.

I know it's very hard for my husband dealing with my mental and phsyical health issues so I imagine it is for you.

Are either of you getting any help?

No we're not at the moment, she had some CBT which helped and I have some therapy separately

Yeah all your comments I mean, it could be my wife that wrote that to be honest.

So much great advice here. Also with two kids under two she will be SHATTERED and lack of sleep can also trigger really poor mental health. Does she have lots of help with the little ones?

I was going to say the same as the previous poster - even without a stillbirth and her previous mental health/eating disorder issues, two under two triggers enough lost sleep and personal space to cause very poor mental health in any woman.

If you want to save your marriage I would increase whatever practical support you can offer even if you have to spend to do it (cleaner, buy takeaways or ready meals, babysitter/occasional night nanny) and also make sure you both have proper therapy to deal with the bigger issues now before they come between you - both separate therapy and couples therapy

@LAlexander7 I don't really know what else to say because I can't speak for your wife or you.
But you know that stillbirth absolutely breaks you. Be kind to yourselves.
I think that you know that having two living children isn't going to fix you because you must know that two very young children is ridiculously stressful - in fact, having young children and having just had a stillbirth (I don't know when your little one died in relation to the two you have now) actually stopped me from grieving properly. I has 8 sessions of therapy but I was so exhausted and run down from the sleepless nights and total exhaustion, that as lovely as the therapist was, it ended up being totally pointless.

Our relationship can get a bit firey especially when we are exhausted or our children are being particularly testing. And indeed when my mental and physical health get challenging. I actually have long term mental health support and whenever we bicker and I mention it to my care coordinator, she usually helps me see what the situation is doing to my DH as well. It really is hard OP, I'm on the other side of what you're dealing with and I know it's bloody difficult for my DH and to be totally honest I admire him for choosing to deal with my issues as well as eveyrthing else he does with and for us as a family.
For you it will be exhausting, you're not sure what to say and how to say it, but it sounds like you want your marriage to work and you wsnt to support your wife. The kindest and thing I've always most appreciated from my DH is him just asking how I am. Without it being anything to do with the children, or work, or anything ... Just .. asking me how I am and being genuinely interested in the answer. And that's hard because with two young kids, career, finances to take care of, and picking up the slack from the things I can't do due to being unwell ... It's hard to stop a sec and just ask that question.
I don't know what you can do but it sounds like you want to try and you want it to work. Good luck and massive well done for what you've done for your wife and all your kids so far.

Two children under 2 is normally enough to stress test most couples, let alone with the background of losses.

It really takes time to recover and often this is completely underestimated. Professional help is probably needed for you both.

Do you have family support, at times both of you must be exhausted.

My advice is not to do anything rash.. accept that life at the moment is tough. A family member had similar challenges and their children are now older, they managed to get through the tough years by having reasonable expectations and both would describe their relationship now as the best ever. It is wonderful to see how they now have such a strong family unit.

If you can change how you react as you mentioned you are doing that will help.

Are you ok OP?