He told me he doesn't care about ds

[Trustru]

I just have no idea what to do. DS is a month old,me and my boyfriend are young and when We found out I was pregnant he wasn't very supportive but then he apologised for things he said (he told me to have an abortion or we'd be over etc). When I gave birth to ds he told me he regretted what he said and he was a good boyfriend and helped out a lot with son (as he should).

Earlier we went to the shops and I thought we were fine until we got back, he told me that he is embarrassed to be out with me and ds as he looks younger than he is and he feels like other people are staring at us and judging us. He started saying how he's young and maybe his family are right as they've been saying he's messed his life up. He then told me that he doesn't care about son or love him and he's got in the way of our relationship. I told him that me getting pregnant isn't just my fault, it's his aswell (we were using condoms but one time we didn't and he said 'I wouldn't get pregnant' and I believed him) and he blamed me for not getting an abortion. He's now gone out to sulk but I'm just not sure what to do. I love him but I can't believe how nasty he was about son And I'm not sure how I'd cope as a single mum.

It could be that he hasn’t bonded with ds yet. That bond isn’t always automatic and can take time to develop

He could also just be an arsehole and tbh with him sulking off and being embarrassed been seen in public with you and your ds, you probably would be better off without him.

It sounds like you are very mature and would more than cope perhaps even bloom without him.

The new born stage is hard and he may be finding that difficult but he’s not articulating that, he’s articulating that he doesn’t want to be with you or the baby

Listen to what he says/does. So far that’s try and pressure you into an abortion, be embarrassed to be out with you both and blame you for being pregnant. He’s hardly a catch for you and certainly doesn’t sound like someone you can trust and rely on.

Send him on his way, enjoy your baby and apply for Child maintenance. If that helps him grow up and he comes back desperate to be with you and the baby, great. Though I think sadly the opposite will be true but it’s better for you to find this out now than have the stress and emotional strain of him not supporting you and not wanting to be seen with you. You are worth more than this and so is your son

The dude has issues. And those issues are not your fault. Nor are they your responsibility to fix.

Sulking is not ok. I'd ask him to leave. To have a long hard think about whether he wants to be with you or not. Tell him that the child is part of the relationship. And for now he should go. Because he is either all in or all out and you deserve better than this wishy washy bs. And so does your son.

Dont waste your life trying to convince a shitty person to sort their shit out. Gove him once chance to pull his socks up. To appologise for his bs and start taking responsibilities.

If he continues to be a shit...drop him and flush him. Because just because he stays with you, doesnt mean he has your back. You can still end up a single parent even in a relationship...you can still be alone with someone.

You don’t say how young you are, but being young parents is really tough, I had my eldest daughter at 16 and it was hard going, I was a single mum from the beginning and I won’t lie it was hard work but luckily I had my mum to help me out.

I’m assuming you’re both in your teens? Your bf sounds pretty immature and typical teen lad who’s always embarrassed and stroppy. I think you’ll be better on your own if I’m honest, obviously keep the line of communication open for your child’s dad, facilitate contact if it’s safe to do so and rally round as much support as you can.

I say this because what you don’t need as a new young mum is to be worrying and stressing and upset at your boyfriend.

What are your living arrangements?

I have a little sympathy with him, I'm sure he's found it a bit of an eye opener being a young dad. It will have had a huge impact, and he probably wasn't ready for any of it.

However my sympathy stops dead at the point where he did anything that made life harder for you. You have had to cope with all the same stuff he has, plus huge physical changes.

There's a concept called circles of support. We all need support, but need to take that support from someone more resilient than we are rather than less. So in this case, you and your baby are right at the centre of the circle, with him supporting you and getting support from other people.

It’s okay for him to have these thoughts. But it’s not okay for him to lay them on you when you’re a few weeks out from giving birth and learning to cope with a newborn too. It puts stress on you and that isn’t fair.

You need to set him straight I think, tell him you know it’s a massive change and a challenge and you feel it too, but he needs to speak to someone else about how he feels rather than you, maybe his family or friends or a therapist or the samaritans. He can look into support groups for teen parents online, they exist. And remind him that while he’s processing his feelings that’s fine but he’s still a father now and you and the baby both need and expect him to step up and behave like one.

I'm 17 and he's 18. I live with my mum and he has been staying here since ds was about a month old. I think he could be cheating with his ex as she messaged me a few weeks ago saying they were out together but I didn't believe her as he convinced me she was lying so now I'm not sure.

@Trustru

I'm 17 and he's 18. I live with my mum and he has been staying here since ds was about a month old. I think he could be cheating with his ex as she messaged me a few weeks ago saying they were out together but I didn't believe her as he convinced me she was lying so now I'm not sure.

A week old I mean*

Much better to have no father in the picture than to have a shit one.

I really feel for you, but you sound very mature and you clearly want the best for your son. His behaviour is horrible.

I don't think I could manage being a new mum and having to train up my baby's father as well. Really, being responsible for himself is the very least he could do.

I would say don't waste your time on him. Being a new mum is huge and the fathers role is to support you and your baby. He's being horrible at what she be a beautiful time.

However he's very young and could possibly be a lovely dad in the future. So I would take a step back from the relationship, ask him to live elsewhere for now at least. And give him every opportunity to see, spend time with, look after your baby. It's then on him if he takes this opportunity. You have the strength inside you to cope on your own and I bet once you get yourself sorted out and your head straight, you will feel positive and capable!!

This sounds very hard for you, but you sound incredibly strong and level headed.
Don't be pressured into staying with him because your scared of being without him. You can parent on your own, you have support from your mum, claim cm from him and see wha benefits you are entitled to, it might not be as bad as you think. With the potential cheating on top, I couldn't live wondering what if.
Good luck

He got back and he apologised and said he didn't mean what he said and that he cares about ds. I'm now so confused and just have no idea where to go from here.

Old enough to have sex
But not man enough to take the consequences?

He should be proud that he is a father with a healthy child & a good girlfriend/mother

Stay strong, you are fortunate to have the support of your family

It is a big responsibility to be a parent

You've got to go to the front door...and kick him out.
You need to look after yourself and your ds.
Boyfriend should be supportive and an equal parent. Someone to rely on and share responsibility with.
He sounds like all he adds is stress and turmoil.
Focus on you and baby. He's not able to give you the support you need or deserve.
You have a baby to look after, don't start worrying about having to look after this man child too.

Please don't spend your life lowering your expectations in order to accommodate his effort.

@Trustru

He got back and he apologised and said he didn't mean what he said and that he cares about ds. I'm now so confused and just have no idea where to go from here.

I really feel for you. You’re both still at that age where you have a lot of living and maturing and experiencing to do, but you also have a beautiful baby to think about.

Is he helpful with the baby? Does he do night feeds and nappy changes and all of the stuff that comes with being a parent?

What does your mum think?

I think your best plan of action here would be asking him to move back to his parents and give you some space, you’re a new mum still bonding with her baby and still learning how to be that mum, it’s tough at any age. He can come over and bond with his son too which is very important but what’s more important right now is your well-being and it sounds as if he’s just causing you a lot of worry and stress. See how being apart is, see if it helps you both to feel more settled.

My daughter is the same age as you and I’d tell her always to look after herself and her baby first. Put YOU first. Don’t allow him to make you feel like shit, or dampen your joy over your baby. Don’t let him walk all over you, if he’s doing shady shit you kick him to the kerb and learn to co parent together. You may find he doesn’t bother but you will be ok and you’ll be a great mum and bring your son up to be wonderful. I was 16 and a single parent, and my daughter is now 18 and she’s doing so well for herself (even if she’s lazy). You will do good.

Yes he does a lot for ds, he feeds and changes him and sometimes gets up early with him.

My mum thinks he just needs to get used to being a dad.