Struggling to move on from the past

[Honeycombskl]

I could really do with some help and advice.

I was married for 5 years, with my EXH for 10. When we first got together I made it very clear that I wanted to travel, live in different places, etc and he said he wanted the same thing. We became serious but over the years if any opportunity came up to go travel or move away he would say no. It became obvious that he actually didn't want to but we loved each other and stayed together, I hoped that one day he would change his mind as he would often say we would in the future, but that day never came. We weren't perfect together but we did have a really good strong relationship overall, the main issues were mainly lack of intimacy for me- sex wasn't as often as I would have liked and we rarely hugged, never any little kisses, etc but always told the other we loved them and did lots of thoughtful things for each other, and having different desires in relation to moving away or taking time out to travel.
I ended up in a job that was incredibly stressful, I was being severely bullied by my bosses and I struggled just with day-to-day living. I started going away and travelling myself as an escape, I would beg DH to come but he never did but was happy for me to go myself. It made me feel really lonely and I wanted to experience these things with him but he would always make up an excuse not to. We also had been trying for years to have a baby and it didn't happen. We went for fertility testing and it seemed that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without IVF.

One summer things had gotten seriously bad at work, I had tried to drive my car off the road twice on my way there and basically I think that was the start of a breakdown. I had time off booked already and changed my plans to mean I was travelling in the UK and that DH could come to meet me when he was off himself. He never did and it just made me realise that he would always find a reason not to do these things with me, despite always saying he wanted to. If we couldn't have children i felt like this wasn't a life I'd be happy with. I had a full blown breakdown and just wanted out of everything. I wanted out of my life, out of my job and out of my marriage. I told him I wanted to leave.

I know it destroyed him. He was happy with how our life was and was desperate for me to stay. I just kept pushing him further and further away because I felt like staying with him meant staying in this life that I couldn't cope with anymore. I wouldn't do anything to work on things and left.

6 months after we split up, in January 2020, I met DP. I told him I didn't want anything serious because of my plans to travel. We started seeing each other but then covid and lockdown hit. We ended up living with each other, not with the intention of it being long term but just during covid, and obviously travel plans were all shelved. Everything has been great with DP, we are so similar in what we want out of life and our approach and attitude to life that it has been so easy and blissful. In January this year I unexpectedly found out that I'm pregnant. After years of trying I was so happy and in a blissful bubble with DP. I told my EXH who was happy for me (we are still very amicable) but I had this guilt hanging over me since we had tried for so long. Now I'm 19 weeks pregnant and the last couple of days I keep thinking about my EXH and crying. I feel like I destroyed our marriage and have ruined his life and now I'm having a baby after us having tried for so long. I keep thinking about all the good times we had together and feeling bad that I didn't work on sorting myself out before throwing everything away.
I'm not looking back thinking I want to go back, I just can't seem to let go of this guilt of promising myself and my life to a really good man who loved me, and I loved him and then hurting him so much.

This doesn't take away from my DP who is actually perfect. We are actually far more compatible than me and EXH and I love him to bits but I was with EXH for 10 years and that attachment doesn't just go away quickly. I wish EXH had hurt me or been bad to me in some way so I wouldn't feel so guilty about moving on but he didn't. He did so much for me. I feel so guilty about my life being what it is now and having done what I did to him and that I didn't even try. I think maybe I didn't ever actually process our split because I was mentally in such a bad place, and now I'm processing it and finding it hard. Obviously I know I should have gone through all these emotions before getting into a serious relationship but it's just been the way things have happened rather than as a result of any plan or intention. I know with DP my life will be what I'd wanted, we both want to travel and do similar things, we never argue because we are so similar and it's lovely and easy. But I keep thinking about my past just now and what I did and feeling awful and like I ruined my EXH's life and gave up on him and us but I'm getting everything I wanted.

I would appreciate any advice please but I'm feeling really fragile right now and crying again writing this so please be gentle.

Anyone?

Sorry, I know it's long, tried to keep it as short as I could.

Your ex sounds like he lied to you continually about what he wanted to keep you hooked on. His actions were very clear though, he did what he wanted. He didn’t even meet you when travelling in the UK.

Honestly he doesn’t sound like a good man from what you’ve written just a selfish liar.

Go and enjoy your life

Congratulations on the baby too

i agree you ex was a selfish liar, of course he was happy in the life you had, since he never did what you wanted and any serious relationships is about compromises. if he had really wanted you tostay he would have actually put more efffort in doing things that made you happy, like travelling, but in 10 years he was never bothered about doing the things he claimed he wanted to do.

i think your current mood is majorly affected by your hormones though. give yourself a timeline to feel down and process your thoughts and feelings, and then let your ex and past relationship go.

Thanks. This is what my mum says to me. The thing is I don't think he meant to lie, I think he actually wanted to do those things but he had this tie to his family that he couldn't let go of and they came above everything and everyone else. He wouldn't move because he didn't want to be away from them in case anything happened. When we were together he would not do things for us, such as work around our house that needed done or even just something like taking our dog a walk, because his parents or sister needed him to do something at their house. It was something deep rooted and I still see it now when I speak to him, his life centres on them. I wonder if we'd gone to counselling or something if that could have been addressed though.
He did do lots for me as well, but always second to them and I never felt like we were a 'team', he would do lots of thoughtful things for me like plan amazing trips for me or get me things to take on my trips, but really all I wanted was for him to do these things with me. He did sometimes though after lots of persuasion but it never felt like he was fully in it with me. Like we would go away in a campervan together but when I'd want to go out and explore or walk in the hills he would just stay in the camper and wait for me and not come with me. Things he did were always for me as an individual rather than us as a couple.

I know I should go on and enjoy my life but I just find it hard picturing him not living his because I know he's not really. If I knew he was way happier without me and had an amazing new life that suits him better then I'd find it easier to put it behind me.

And thank you for the congratulations!

i think your current mood is majorly affected by your hormones though. give yourself a timeline to feel down and process your thoughts and feelings, and then let your ex and past relationship go

I think hormones could be playing a big part in it! I will try the timeline idea, I like that.

I think you are bound to be a bit sad as the marriage didnt work out as you hoped! None of us get married thinking it wont work out. But exh was rather selfish putting his family before you and pretending he wanted to travel when he didnt. You should be angry with him for not being a good husband.

I think though, its your hormones working very hard here making you feel like this! How lovely to be expecting after thinking it may never happen and with a new, much more compatible, partner. Many congratulations!

Sorry, you were feeling so desperately unhappy that you tried to drive your car off the road - not once, but twice - and he still wouldn't step up and be there for you in the way that you needed, and that he promised he would?? Because his family might need him?

He sounds awful, OP, and (kindly) I think you have a really warped perspective. Enjoy your new relationship and your baby and don't give your ex a second thought.

And just to be clear - if he is not living his life that is entirely on him, not you. He sounds unhealthily enmeshed with his family and that is his responsibility to address. Of course it isn't your fault for not trying couples counselling!

If he wanted to change and put you first he would have or at least tried to/gone to counselling. But he repeatedly didn’t. I mean who goes travelling in a camper van and stays in the van while their girlfriend goes hill walking by them self?! That’s just odd.

You loved him, but you weren’t right for each other, let it go now and be happy

Thanks so much for the replies. I know we weren't right for so many reasons. I think because he was really caring in so many other ways that that clouded my view. Sometimes though he was too caring, like he would go without so that I could afford to do something, but wouldn't tell me until afterwards so then I'd feel guilty but it was too late for me to do anything.

You should be angry with him for not being a good husband.

I definitely was when I first left. At the time I was really angry that he wouldn't do those things when I felt I needed them so badly at that time. However amongst not doing this, he was literally doing everything at home for me, cooking and cleaning, because I just wasn't coping with everyday life. I think it's things like this which cloud it now looking back. I still remember all the things that were wrong, not feeling a priority, not doing things together, crying to him about the lack of sex, but there were good things too.

I think you're right about me needing to remember that I'm not responsible for whether or not he lives his life. It does make me really sad to see he isn't but that wasn't something that changed when we were together and I didn't know if it ever would.

I need to just stop thinking backwards and think about my future and how positive it can be. It's just easier said than done and I think pregnancy hormones and guilt around being pregnant when we never could get pregnant are making it hard right now.

Also a thing to consider, if you had a child with him what's the likelihood he would have changed with regards to his family? There would have been not just you, but another person he would be disappointing by not being present, not being your own little family unit.

I actually find people like your ex so incredibly annoying, the are the martyrs and rescuers, they decide what YOU need and then make all the arrangements/sacrifices to give it to you. Of course, usually what you actually need is completely different, but any attempt to tell them this if fruitless cause they will just make you feel (directly or indirectly) guilty and ungrateful.

If you had done counselling and he had reduced the involvement with his family, you would also have felt guilty because you would know that he did it only because you were about to leave him and not because he truly wanted to. You were in a no win situation

@Cloudfrost

You are actually spot on! I actually described him as a martyr when we were splitting up. He was a martyr and a rescuer to the extreme, his job was even in the emergency services which I was proud of him for but everything he did and does was about doing things for others, which sounds great, but it was in a way that sacrificed our relationship and time together and was detrimental to his health. He would do work for his family to the point that it started having a physical impact on him and I said he should stop because it was clear he was hurt, even then he continued until he was incredibly injured and had to be signed off from work for ages and we couldn't do anything together or have sex for months and months.

He would do things for me at his own expense and then I'd feel really guilty for it. Even a couple of Christmases we agreed no bought presents as we were skint but on Christmas day he would give me loads of gifts that he'd spent a fortune on, getting himself into debt, whilst I just had a homemade gift to hand him. He would be grateful on the day but after mentioned more than once that I hadn't got him anything for Christmas.

I think it's maybe been hard for me to let go of that mentality/mindset of 'he's done/does so much for me'. I don't think he was intentionally manipulative, but it was. I raised it with him a few times but he couldn't see it.

It's very telling that he's still behaving in exactly the same way re his family now you and he are no longer together, it's clearly an issue with him rather than anything you could have changed. And if he hasn't changed that behaviour even after it effectively lost him his relationship with you then I doubt you would ever have got what you needed from being with him however long you'd stuck it out and kept trying.

I agree some of this will be pregnancy hormones (massive congrats btw!) and some just because you are happy and a generous enough person that you wish he had the same but he has to take responsibility for his own happiness just as you have. You are happy because you were brave and self aware enough to move on and find what you needed and you absolutely deserve that happiness, now you have to let go and accept he has to do the same for himself.

Oh gosh OP, you are actually describing my ex partner even down to the family bit and breakdown. He was actually the same: a very good man, did lots of things for me, thoughtful etc but when I really needed him at several points to do the things that were important to me he couldnt do it. He was remorseful, said he would change but never did.

I completely understand where you're coming from as I have never met anyone else in a similar position. I had a tremendous amount of guilt walking away. Some people pointed out that he wasnt a good man as he wouldnt have done all of that or would have tried to actually make amends when he saw the devastating impact it had on me. But I think there's something in him, he's just not capable.

I think it's very hard when there's no obvious abuse as such or not abuse that you are used to seeing or hearing about. But it is abuse in a way. And it is very hard to cut the cords. I was with him for 10 years too. It was actually very destructive. It's a very hard and difficult position to be in.

The way I see it now is that people aren't black and white; they're all shades of grey and so it's not necessarily that he's a good person and a great man or that he's horrible and abusive. But what it is, is that he did do some things that were ultimately very harmful and destructive to you and that's not ok and that's why your relationship ended.

It's very hard after ten years to let go of all that and untangle yourself from it but you're in a great place now and moving on. Maybe it would be good to chat to someone trained just to work through your emotions, let them out and then move on.

I really feel for you and hope you're ok.

I am wondering whether meditation mightily help you to process your feelings from the past. You seem hmdetermined to punish yourself for your good fortune and there isn't any need to do that. You got yourself out of a bad marriage that wasn't fulfilling your needs but feel guilty about helping yourself to a better future. No need to beat yourself up at all. Guilt is such a waste of energy. You have done nothing wrong. Your exhusband had agency in his behaviour. He didn't exactly fall over himself to change the things that were bothering you and the marriage broke down as a result.

There are a few apps that you can download where you can train yourself to be a detached observer of the feelings that are arising in you. No judgement, just notice how you feel which takes away their punch. As others have said it may be hormones but if you can detach from the guilty feelings you may feel better.

I think eventually you just outgrew him and the relationship. In a way he was your crutch that supported you at times, but actually that crutch was just slowing you down and keeping you back from following your dreams and finding true happiness.
People find happiness in different things, so just think he still helps people and that gives him satisfaction. If he wants to do that to the detriment of his personal life, then that's on him and no one else. Maybe one day he will meet someone who needs rescuing and he will be happy.