Would this bother you. Am I overreacting to this

[bookworm20]

DP has form for being a bit flirty. He is a chatty person, but at times I have let him know he seems to have been just a little too chatty with some women and its made me a bit uncomfortable.
I have also, in the past, clocked him having a look at good looking women when weve been out. Just a glance and thats fine. I'm not saying he can't look at anyone as long as its just a glance and not full on letching.

At the weekend we went out and I left him to put something in a bin and he was waiting by the door to a shop. A woman walks past, and he full on looked her up and down, turned his head to watch her as she passed him and then actually turned his whole body so he could continue looking at her.

He then seemed to remember me and looked over, but the whole thing just left me feeling really hurt. He was properly checking her out. He may as well been dribbling and panting like a bloody puppy. And I just felt a bit shit really. She was pretty, slim and probably 10 years younger than me.

he has told me in the past I am the only person for him, he could never look at another woman yadda yadda, which is obviously bullshit. I mean not like she was walking down the street in a bikini and heels or with flshing lights above her head and drawing attention to herself. I felt like I should apologise to her for my letching BF!

Am I totally over reacting to this or would anyone else feel pretty damn disrespected? We have had a few arguments lately, but who hasn't after being copped up because of covid. I just feel he either totally forgot I was there, thought I couldn't see him, or just didn't care.
And I'm also now thinking, if he's like this when I'm with him, what the hell is he like when I'm not?

After that incident, I did keep a bit of an eye on where he was looking and he also 'checked out' 3 other pretty, slim, younger women. Not in the same way but he did look a little longer than I would consider a casual glance in someones direction. One he did a second take at.

I have told him how I felt a bit hurt and disrespected by the first incident and that I'd clocked the others, and he does not seem sorry he hurt mu feelings, he just seems annoyed that I'm hurt by it.

Do I need to give my head a wobble or am I justified in feeling like this? I actually feel a bit betrayed I suppose. I'm aware that being cooped up for lockdown and desperately needing a haircut and feeling a bit crap about myself may be contributing to this.

I can't look at him today. All I keep seeing is his face following that woman and he clearly wasn't just admiring her handbag or thinking he'd like a game of scrabble with her.

My exH used to do this when out with me and our DDs, obviously eye up other women in front of me, he would lift up his sunglasses to get a better look I would get hurt and angry and we would argue about it and he would deny it as an issue. I used to think the same as you, if he's like this when I'm around what's he like when I'm not!

I found out he had cheated throughout our marriage in the end. He couldn't keep it in his trousers and his behaviour around other women showed me he didn't love or respect me enough to stay faithful. I will be wary of any man now who is always flirting and letching around, I can't deal with the insecurity it brings.

Horrible misogynistic, creepy behaviour from a man who has no self control or dignity. It is possible to find strangers attractive while in a relationship, but there is no need to pant after them in the street. It is a form of control over women that I despise, and it makes women feel unsafe out and about when men act like this. I could never be with someone with a wandering eye, not only because it is disrespectful to myself. It is about the impact it has on the target, which is never flattering or nice.

No,it wouldn't be for me, kind of seems a bit desperate somehow ,.and embarrassing and disrespectful for you.
Play him at his own game, start gushing over his friends etc, see how he likes it.

I thought controlling people was an offence but apparently it’s ok to label men as creeps for looking at a beautiful woman .Sometimes a man can see how beautifully dressed a woman is .I remember seeing a woman who was quite attractive but her dress sense really suited her and took her beauty to another level .I wanted to compliment her on her dress sense but was scared because it could have been misconstrued as interest .
I look at beautiful cars ,dogs ,cats even well designed houses It’s the reason God gave us eyes

Imo it's got little to do with disrespecting you. It's revolting behaviour anyway. It's treating women as an object to be looked at. Staring is rude.

It's also disrespectful to you, but honestly I'd have lost interest having seen him do it once.

It's rare for a physical specimen to be so attractive that you can hardly help looking. It certainly shouldn't be happening multiple times a day.

I caught my partner doing exactly this when I came out of a shop. He was sitting in a wall waiting for me but didn't see me straight away. The woman looked a bit uncomfortable and I felt really embarrassed. I didn't say anything because to be honest there are bigger things to worry about in my relationship and it was (as far as I know) a one off. Made me feel horrible though.

No this is horrible.
I’ve been married for 33 years and never noticed my DH leering at another woman. I’m sure he does notice beautiful women but he respects me enough to not make it obvious.

OP,
It really is disrespectful of you.

It's not about jealousy it's about respect for himself, you, women in general.

I don't think most men behave like this, just the sleezy ones.

You sound far too good for him.

God overbearing much are you saying you have never checked out another man or woman in your life

*I did want to yell out though, I'm so sorry for my letchy BF who was just dribbling over you.

Perhaps if it happens again so blatently, that is what I will do. And then calmly walk away and leave him to it*

This actually sounds like the perfect response. And then dump him because who can be arsed having to do that every few days?!

YANBU.

Ok so I’m 50/50. I do genuinely think that if you’re feeling slightly insecure or crappy about yourself then him looking at other women feels a million times worse. I am not saying I agree with his behaviour because from what you’re saying it isn’t just a glance over appreciating someone’s beauty it sounds borderline creepy what he is doing. It is just human instinct to look at something/someone we find attractive. I mean when I drive and I see a good looking man I look! But within the next couple of minutes I would of completely forgotten about them. What I am trying to say is it doesn’t mean anything. In beginning of my relationship I would get SO worked up if my partner looked at women (the odd glance) and i found it so disrespectful. I come to realise this was due to my insecurities and lack of confidence which made it feel so gut wrenchingly awful! I now am confident and trust my partner 10000% so if he wants to look at an attractive woman who walks past I don’t have a problem with it ( I think around 5 seconds is an acceptable amount of time ) 😂

I wouldn't tolerate it. I'd just feel a bit contemptuous towards him. It's so sad and pathetic for any bloke to be unable to help himself 'checking out' women. What kind of adult does that?

He's creepy. And I'm pretty sure that many of the women who he's a little bit flirty and chatty with are cringing inside and wishing he'd just fuck off. He's not fooling anyone. I don't personally know any women who are flattered by men who behave like this, or who appreciate it. Mostly they just think they are sad losers.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you don't like it. So what are you going to do about it? Are you willing to end your relationship because of it because it doesn't sound like he will change.

I've noticed certain types of men do this. It's rude, pathetic and disrespectful to the person being leered at and to the partner. I mark them down as losers/thick.

When I've seen older men [over 60's-80's] do this, it's been when the wife/partner has popped into a shop for example and they look young girls/women up and down blatantly with their tongues hanging out. When the woman is wearing shorts/small tops in the summer their eyes are nearly popping out. It's revolting to see and makes me feel sick.

One day OP your partner will be older, and will still be looking women up and down I guarantee....and he will be the dirty old man who people are disgusted by.

It is disrespectful and also it's the fact that it would make me respect him less for doing it, put both things together and it's a recipe for resentment and contempt, both of which are the death of a relationship ime. There's not much he could do to redeem himself either in my eyes at least, once I'd seen that side of him it would eat away at me even if he never did it in front of me again, sleazy men give me the total ick.

I wouldn’t trust him. If he’s behaving like this whilst in your company, what do you think he could be doing behind your back?

If he was my BF he'd be dumped. That's disgusting behaviour, he is a nasty misogynist letch and a gaslighter.

This isn't much help OP but you've really made me laugh with admiring her handbag or thinking he'd like a game of scrabble with her

I think a quick glance is fine but if he's started planning 7 letter words then he's probably looking too long.

If it was my dh and he turned his body to letch at another female whilst with me I'd tell him to give his disrespectful head a wobble and tell him to stop embarrassing you