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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Looking for someone who separated with 2 young kids

15 replies

Poppyseedjoy · 03/05/2021 21:42

Hi, another thread from me. I am seriously considering separating from my husband but I don't know anyone who has my circumstances. My family lives overseas so I don't have any family here, and I have some good friends but none of them live very close. I would like to separate from my husband but the though of having two young kids (1 and 3 years old) by myself I am not sure I could do it. Which is silly because I do the most of their care. And also I cannot cope with the idea that sometimes they would not being with me to be with their dad. Can anyone share their experience? I find it all very overwhelming and scary

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 03/05/2021 21:54

Of course you can, I had a newborn a 3 year old a 5 year old and a 6 year old when my ex left, he’s not bothered with them since so I’ve done it all alone. I’m sure you will manage. Many single mums do

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 21:57

I left and I regret it as I lost my little ones. 50/50 at first but then he alienated them further.
Depends what your husband is like I guess? If he's relatively reasonable then you should be fine.

Annabellerina · 03/05/2021 21:57

What is your reason for wanting to separate?

If you do most of the care already then you will absolutely cope, I promise. Depending on what your husband is like you may even find it easier without him.

As for the children sometimes being with their dad, you will also cope with this. In fact you may come to cherish those times. The little time I spend without my children refreshes me and makes me a better parent when they return. And again, depending on what your husband is like you may find he isn't that interested in having the children that often anyway.

Happycat1212 · 03/05/2021 21:59

Not necessarily he will want 50:50 if he doesn’t bother with them now. My ex disappeared! I doubt he will go for 50/50 when you say you do most of the care anyway

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 22:13

@Happycat1212 It depends on the husband really. I was 100% the main carer but as soon as I left ex applied for 50/50 (and got it) as a revenge tactic.

Original poster

Poppyseedjoy · 03/05/2021 22:15

I think he would want to have a 50:50 for principal and he would get an au pair. As per why I want the separation I wrote another thread but basically he never wants to spend any time with me, has been an year now, he works a lot and when he doesn't work he watches TV or play and is always locked in the study. He plays a bit with the kids or help with bathtime but doesn't do much more. He sleeps in every weekend until late because he goes to bed at 2 am every night and of course this upsets me and he says that if I am upset I should get an au pair to help me. He also say that I am a nasty person, just because I.complain of his behaviour. It is really unbearable

OP posts:

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 22:20

@Poppyseedjoy Guessing he is wealthy?
Do you work, OP?

Original poster

Poppyseedjoy · 03/05/2021 22:22

He is not particularly wealthy, he has a good job but not savings. I do work full time and have a good salary too less than him but I have more savings and I also own a flat I get rent from

OP posts:

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 22:24

@Poppyseedjoy You would be fine financially then which is really good. I just assumed with the au pair comment he was well-off.
Would you stay in the house?

Original poster

Poppyseedjoy · 03/05/2021 22:27

We bought it only 18 months ago, but I don't mind selling it, we have a big mortgage on it. I just wish he would go back to who he was. He changed so much, he told me this is the real him and to be honest is not possible for me lo live with someone who doesn't care about me at all

OP posts:

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 22:32

@Poppyseedjoy I guess what I mean is would he be OK to leave? My ex wasn't so I had to.
I totally get you. My ex just cared about making money. I was the trophy wife, expected to do whatever he told me to do. It was hell in the end. He wasn't capable of love.

Original poster

Poppyseedjoy · 03/05/2021 22:37

He said he wants to separate but he would not leave and I said me neither. Not sure how to get over this. You said that your ex alienated your kids, how did he manage that?

OP posts:

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 22:41

@Poppyseedjoy It was the same here. We ended up in private rented. Still in rented seven years on.
Oh, over many years. Told the kids I didn't love them etc. Got way worse when I had a baby with my fiancé seven years after the divorce. Said I never wanted them and so on.

Original poster

Poppyseedjoy · 03/05/2021 22:44

Sorry to hear, this sounds something he could do. He tentd to manipulate reality. So did you both moved out of the house and each of you rented a place and you sold the common house? How old were the kids? Did they do 50/50 to start with?

OP posts:

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 22:48

@Poppyseedjoy He's still in it. I got a settlement of sorts but it was rubbish.
Yes, they were 3 and 6. They are now 11 and 13 and now with me just every other weekend (not my choice).

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