Affair

[LondonLass2]

Hi, my partner of 12 years had an affair last year, we’re 33, she’s 20, 19 when it began. He left me for her and lived with her in her houseshare. We have 2 children. He’s currently buying a new house, which she was going to move in with him. He now keeps telling me he still loves me, and how gorgeous I am, and how I’m everything he ever wanted. I offered him a chance to try work things out before he moved out, he didn’t take that chance, instead he moved out to be with her. He says things like “it’s easy for you to move forward because you hate me, but I love you and I can’t move on without you” ..... I don’t really know the point of this post, Maybe Im just needing someone to tell me I’m not going crazy, he’s moved on with his mistress???
I like to think I’ve been really good with how I’ve dealt with the affair, i haven’t aired our dirty laundry and havent told a lot of our friends in order to save his reputation. My head is a mess with this and I know I don’t want us to be back together, he’s hurt me too much, and put her first, he still defends her now if I say something bad about her. But to me, he has no right to tell me he still loves me and I’m all he wanted, right?? Thanks.

I've been in a similar position. I believe it's all about manipulation and control. They want to keep us on the back burner as an option if it doesn't work out with OW. They don't particularly like the thought of us moving on and starting new relationships. I would recommended giving yourself some time to heal, take your time, eventually new things will filter into your life.

I have a cordial relationship with my ex too but no more than that. I think you've shown dignity and believe you me, I know how hard that is to do so well done you.

Ignore it, is this coming out of no where?
He probably realises that being with her was a big mistake, she's barely an adult compared to him, when the novelty of her wears off he knows they can't be that compatible but who's gives a shit right? Not your problem anymore, don't even think of trying to get him back, let him suffer the consequences of his actions and move on from him.

Well, it's all about him, isn't it? Whether he thinks he loves you and can't move on without you or not, it's really irrelevant as you've said you know you don't want him back. He made his bed, now he must lie in it. You're not crazy and no, he really has no right. I'd ignore him.

Well....of course he's made a mistake and he knows it. But you deserve someone who chose you and will keep on choosing every day forever. It's a pity he's not that person. Be firm with him, he ended it and needs to stand by that decision. You're going to find someone wonderful one day OP, this loser is not the one.

Well he’s either bored with her or she’s bored with him. Maybe she wants a younger, fitter, better model than your middle aged ex

And he’s trying to get into your knickers and lay the ground work for a return......

Invite him to fuck himself.

Omg 20 ! How grim.

Sounds like you’ve been handling this all very well OP. Continue to hold your head up high and move on with integrity. Of course he has no right in telling you any of that. It’s all words, right? Actions speak louder. But don’t dwell on any of this - not worth it.

Thank you everyone, it’s good to know I’m not going crazy and that others agree after everything he’s done that he has no right to say these things to me. Thankyou xx

OP - of course he can tell you he loves. He can tell you anything he feels like telling you.
However, it doesn’t mean that you have to forgive and forget.
You are hurt, and are still in a lot of pain. It’s quite clear. I am sorry it happened to you.

As to him - most likely he realised that the grass isn’t greener. And that whatever drew him to her was short lived and didn’t make him happy. So - he realised that he made a mistake.
It’s a good thing he did. At a minimum that can help you heal.

But as I said - you are too hurt to even think about forgiving him. So - don’t.
If he is truly sorry - he can wait and hope you would change your mind. And prove that he is really regretting what he has done.

He has no right to say that, you don’t owe him a relationship now. Are they still together?

I’d definitely question his motives now. Life with OW probably wasn’t what he thought it would be and buying a new place is expensive. Makes what he left look comfortable.

I don’t think you should keep what he did a secret to protect him. No need to shout it from the rooftops, but being open with your close circle will most likely feel cathartic.

I think people often keep this kind of thing to themselves with a view to taking the cheater back because they would find it embarrassing otherwise. It’s up to you what you end up doing, but you have nothing to be ashamed of (unlike him) and should get some support from the people around you.

OP, he is still playing his ego games.

In December you wrote that he:
-Cheated and left for OW.
-Wanted you back and you reunited.
-Moved back in but messaged OW constantly and refused to stop.
-You gave him an ultimatum, but he wouldn’t discuss it and left you in limbo.

He obviously returned to OW eventually but is sniffing around you again. Like you previously said, “He wants what he hasn’t got.” He is repeating his pathetic pattern!

Well, he likes shagging two women at the same time, and he needs a new mistress as the old one is now his girlfriend. So he thinks you'd be ideal.

Also, if he can get you back on side, he won't need to feel bad about being a shit and cheating on you.

Don't protect his reputation at a cost to yourself, op - reach out to friends and family and get support. You owe him fuck all.

If you get drawn into the “I’ve got feelings for you too” it’s as if it’s forgiven or complicated.

It’s really not, he betrayed you and has split up your marriage/family.

Also as pp said, you don’t have to tell people but don’t not tell them for his benefit, especially if they would be a support to you.

@LondonLass2

Thank you everyone, it’s good to know I’m not going crazy and that others agree after everything he’s done that he has no right to say these things to me. Thankyou xx

Well, he has the 'right' to say what he wants, but you have the right to call BS, tell him to jog on, kick his sorry ass into the middle of next Wednesday and I hope you do this.

Move on. He wants to keep you hanging. B plan. Spare option. Who does he think he is. Watch him squirm when you meet someone new!

Stay strong and let him go and f&ck himsrlf ! He broke up your family and shags 20!year olds

2.5 years ago I separated from my now ex husband. We were both 32 at the time and I later found out he'd been having an affair with a 19 year old cleaner that he managed at work. It was really gross.

Found out later that "they mutually agreed to end things" but obviously she dumped him, which he later admitted. Karma is a bitch

He’s just trying to keep you on the hook. Hold your head high, maintain your dignity and only speak with him about the children and related child matters. Good on you for knowing your own mind

He's a prick !

Good on you for resisting his attempts to derail you once again. 🌺