Why am I so hung up on him?

[Binoculars10]

I’m really struggling to get over someone I only dated for 4 months. I know I’m being ridiculous, I am more upset/hung up over him than I was when my 6 year relationship ended

I know it’s cliche but we really had a connection we both felt the same way and it felt like everything was falling into place. Then he started having random fits of jealousy, he acknowledged he was unreasonable and explained he had some MH issues and trauma/abandonment issues.

I had to have some boundaries around how he was being, which long story short ultimately led to the end as I refused to pander to any jealousy/oddness.

He was the first person I dated after my LTR ended, which was quite emotionally abusive and controlling so I’m not sure if that’s why I’m so hung up on things not working out. But I just can’t get my head around it - it really did feel like the sort of connection you don’t find many times in your life, and I’m usually quite sceptical over things like that.

we’ve been no contact for 6 weeks now, I felt better at first but the past week or so I’ve been really ruminating and having odd dreams I haven’t felt this low in a long time, everything feels a bit flat and pointless and sad. I think it’s triggered a bit of a depressive episode for me; which I know is really silly and OTT.

Any words of advice please?
Tia

Hey Tia, length of time means nothing. You had a connection that was very real regardless of the ending. You can grieve that and the future you thought you had.

Sounds like it ending was right though. So many people use MH as an excuse just to be a bit of an arse.

You’re doing really well to get to 6 weeks. Hang in there! It will get easier.

Sounds like a classic narcissist. Be glad that you had good boundaries and stood up to him.

Thanks for the replies. I keep going over it in my head, trying to work out where I went wrong or what I should/could have done differently

It was so full on and felt perfect at the start then he just seemed to change overnight. It really threw me, I think if it had ended a better way or we just turned out as not compatible I wouldn’t dwell over it like this, but we went from having this intense connection and talking about our future (initiated by him!) to everything falling apart a bit.

The exact same thing has happened to me, it is so heart wrenching.

He changed within a couple of weeks, to a completely different person.

I'm still not over him and miss him every day.

I hope in time it will get easier xxx

It sounds a bit like love bombing. I think you have been really strong to recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable and to put yourself and your safety first. Stay strong OP, it will get better.

It was so full on and felt perfect at the start then he just seemed to change overnight.

The first red flag was ‘everything feeling perfect’. Real people aren’t perfect.

It sounds a bit like love bombing

Yes, it does.

Don’t give this person any more power over you. Move on.

Ah it’s only because he was new and shiney and you were excited by rush of feeling and potential. It’s sometimes harder to give up a new relationship than an existing long term one because of the ‘what ifs.’ In reality, the buzz would have worn off eventually, and you’ll have discovered his faults, and that your relationship would have been like others - imperfect and requiring hard work to maintain. It’s all an illusion. Hang in there, you’ll get over him. Are you taking care of yourself and planning outings for when restrictions lift? Start looking forward to your future and meeting new people. That’s a great way to move on.

@Binoculars10

Thanks for the replies. I keep going over it in my head, trying to work out where I went wrong or what I should/could have done differently

It was so full on and felt perfect at the start then he just seemed to change overnight. It really threw me, I think if it had ended a better way or we just turned out as not compatible I wouldn’t dwell over it like this, but we went from having this intense connection and talking about our future (initiated by him!) to everything falling apart a bit.

This is classic for a relationship with someone with narcissism I'm afraid. That early intensely connected phase is what gets under your skin but I'm afraid it's fake. He instinctively said and did whatever you needed to hear, including how special it was and how rarely he feels that way. As long as you keep going over all that, believing it was real, the longer you will be stuck. Sorry, I know its not nice to hear.

First off good on you for having good boundaries. What he painted as jealousy was actually an attempt at control. Love bombing, controlling behaviour and intensity - you were dealing with a narcissist (npd) and you are very lucky you got away.

A hurting heart for a while is a small price to pay. You got yo keep your sanity!

Read up on narcissists, the more you learn the more you realise how bile they actially are.

*vile they

And there was literally nothing you could do or say differently that would have changed the outcome. Except ignore your very wise instinct to end it. Then you would have ended up in a real mess. You're a shero for ending it when you did 💪

I think you've dodged a bullet.
You're going through a perfectly normal phase of grieving for the relationship you thought you were developing. Well done you for recognising your boundaries were not being respected.

@Notagain20 I’ve just looked up narcissism and he seems to tick a lot of boxes especially with the excessive contact at the start, I remember waking up to endless text messages, calls all day etc at the start, really full on, saying he felt this intense connection as soon as we met. I thought it was a bit OTT at the time, but I genuinely did like him and developed feelings over the first few weeks. But then he would have these odd jealous outbreaks, once he went completely mental at me because I was ‘ignoring’ him when I was online, but he had only been waiting two minutes for a response

It seems ridiculous looking back now. I know I did the right thing by having boundaries, it’s not nice thinking a lot of it may have been fake from his side, but I think that acknowledging it will help me move on. Plus if he felt such an intense connection with me, I can’t see why he would have been ok with throwing it away all of a sudden

Thank you @Wanderlusto @Beamur it’s reassuring to hear you agree i made the right choice - It was really difficult to not reach out to him but I knew the way he was being just wasn’t healthy or normal!

@Tornfuture123

Ah it’s only because he was new and shiney and you were excited by rush of feeling and potential. It’s sometimes harder to give up a new relationship than an existing long term one because of the ‘what ifs.’ In reality, the buzz would have worn off eventually, and you’ll have discovered his faults, and that your relationship would have been like others - imperfect and requiring hard work to maintain. It’s all an illusion. Hang in there, you’ll get over him. Are you taking care of yourself and planning outings for when restrictions lift? Start looking forward to your future and meeting new people. That’s a great way to move on.

Yes i know you’re logically right! I’m trying to prioritise self care, I need to lose about 2 stone so I’ve made a start on a healthy diet and gym membership, and I’ve started some voluntary work for a charity to keep me busy. I’m trying to make plans to meet friends too, I have thought about dating but I don’t think I’m ready yet, hopefully in the summer once I’m over this slump I’ll feel a bit more up for it

Sounds great OP - you’re doing all the right things, keep it up, and one day you’ll look back on this bozo and have a good laugh about it, I promise

I remember waking up to endless text messages, calls all day etc at the start, really full on, saying he felt this intense connection as soon as we met. I thought it was a bit OTT at the time, but I genuinely did like him and developed feelings over the first few weeks. But then he would have these odd jealous outbreaks, once he went completely mental at me because I was ‘ignoring’ him when I was online, but he had only been waiting two minutes for a response
^^^
Massive red flags here. You left one controlling relationship and walked straight into another.

Luckily you kept your boundaries. Keep him dumped, and I recommend doing the Freedom Programme online so you spot the type quicker next time. Controlling men target vulnerable women - they seem to have a nose for them.

The fact you are looking for some blame in yourself for his controlling behaviour is worrying. I feel the FP will benefit you as part of your self care.

Sounds like love-bombing to begin with - it's incredibly intense and that's how they hook you. There tends to be a lot of mirroring and and future-faking, which creates this amazing sense of connection - but it's actually something they're manufacturing, maybe not even consciously - it's the idealise, devalue, discard cycle.

Maintain no contact - you will get past this.

Thanks for the replies, I had no intention of reaching out to him again anyway but the responses have definitely proved I’ve made the right choice!

It was all so full on and intense, I really got swept up in it I suppose. I doubt he will reach out to me again but if he does I will either block him or happily tell him to fuck off. (Can’t block him now as I’ve deleted his number/our chats)

Hi I'm 2 months out of my relationship. Just under a year we lasted.

Turned out he was a narc. Made me fall in love and was so wonderful. Promised me the world forever. Then all the bad stuff started. Putting me down. Mood swings. Never bothered about me unless he was in the mood. Never listened to my side of anything. Refused to say sorry. Women started coming out the cracks for various things. Still hooked on his ex. Texting another woman he claimed he didn't like and had blocked. Trying to plan a fake future with her too. We broke up when I questioned him on his latest Facebook add because it was painfully obvious he fancied her by the way he went through her photos and liked all the ones where she was half naked in holiday or showing flesh. Liked photos of her with her hair in a ponytail because that's how he likes girls to wear their hair!

He has hurt me for so many reasons. .
Telling me he loved me.
Knowing I had kids and still played me.
Promising me stuff that he was never gunna do.
Borrowing money from me yet still lying to me.
Lying to my face.
Rubbing his ex in my face.
Putting me down in different ways.
Trying to encourage me to change my hair and get a tan.
After we split he added a new woman. She's about 50. He's 47. I'm 32. He told me he's repulsed by big ladies and hates this town she lives in. But she's his new fix and she's a very large lady. He's horrible.

What I do is take each day as it comes. Some are harder than others. But little things have helped.

Keeping a diary of my thoughts. Writing down things he did that hurt me or were wrong.

I treated myself to something nice to go in my living room to give myself something nice.

I've started walking in peaceful places like woods and fields with family and friends. Company is so important. But I also go for a quiet walk on my own to think.

I listen to music when I'm down to keep my mind busy.

I force myself to think of other men and what sort of things I'd like. Sounds daft this one! But alot of men are nice. So think about the lovely guy out there you have yet to meet. He will not put you through the pain and stress and make you sleep well and feel positive.

Sounds cringe but wake up. Make a coffee. Look outside and just try and enjoy how peaceful it is. Focus on how peaceful you feel. I have had to do this alot! Because as much as I feel sad sometimes I love the peace I now have back. He was really draining me emotionally and I'm so thankful that I can wake up now not having to wonder how he is! I also am glad I don't have to care about his social media and what he's up too. Because he's not my problem!

Remember that he was not good enough for you. He lost you. He couldn't afford you. He couldn't give you the happiness you want or deserve. So he looses! You are way to good and he needs to move on as you are not his!

It's all about finding that strength again. These sorts of men break you. I'm in touch with another of his victims and she's on anti depressants. I am stronger than her. She talks about him like she's really sad still. She doesn't see her worth and is still yet to really click on what he did to her and her children. She has taken responsibility for being the one who was probably not enough.

Sorry this is a long post. I got 10 positive days in a row followed by 2 bad ones. Today is another positive one! I feel strong today. Probably because he's changed his profile photo to one of him 5 years ago before he went grey. Bless him! Trying to attract attention through old pictures.

Keep your chin up and welcome to inbox me x