Don't know how to fix this

[katieak]

I guess I'm looking for some advice, ideally positive words of encouragement and maybe some hope rather than LTB!

Been married for 8 years, together nearly 20 and our marriage is not doing too well. We love each other so much but we're rowing a lot at the moment. We've recently had a life stressor which has put a lot of pressure on both of us, made us tetchy etc. Not quite sure how to fix it. We're both guilty, not one or the other.

No kids. Just us. So we can part ways without those complications (a house and stuff can be sorted). But I don't want to. I want him. I want us back.

He won't try counselling. I've asked. He won't.

We each have our own struggles away from the marriage. I'm trying to get help for mine. He won't really deal with his. Or ours. He does a bit but not consistently enough. The love is there but we just don't have patience with each other at the moment.

The thought of this being the end kills me but I don't know how to fix it when he won't seek outside help. Neither of us wants to give up but I don't think we can carry on as we are as this can't be good for either of us. I would do anything to make it work.

Please help.

What about a trial separation?
I'm currently one month in to a 6 month trial separation and I'm finding it a lot easier to see things clearer and know how I really feel

You can’t fix this yourself. You really can’t, no matter how much it hurts you have to accept that he needs to put in as much effort as you are and it doesn’t sound like he is.

Why won’t he get help?

I'm not sure why he won't try. The idea of therapy of any kind puts him off. He's tried it for himself and hated it so now won't consider it at all. I don't get the ins and outs of why but he won't.

Trial separation sounds like the beginning of the end. How do we figure that logistically? Who leaves? Who rents? Or what other options do we have? Neither have family / other options for living space so would mean a whole new place to which seems formal and expensive

Trial separation is certainly a make or break thing but you pretty much say you can't live with him or without him so I'm not really sure what else to suggest other than just ending it completely if he won't make moves to improve things at his end
My dh is also refusing any outside help and it was him who wanted the trial whereas it me who kicked him out . I've agreed to it but I don't think he will be coming back at the end as he's not making any moves to improve. It's helped me to put things in to perspective though and that I think I can be happy on my own

The thing is, I know I'll survive on my own. My income is fine and I have family who would go to the ends of the earth for me. I just don't want to. I want my hubby here if there is any way that can happen. I can be as independent as needed, I just want us to be ok. This is not about my position or needing him, this is about wanting the love of my life to be ok and for us to be fixed