NC with ex | Mumsnet

Hopefulmama123 · 2021-05-03T17:27:31+00:00

Just found out that my ex who has been leading me on to gain access to our child has actually been dating another women for 6 months, and is now living with her and her son. I feel so so hurt, I was supportive of him and his claim to have awful MH problems. All along he has been going home to this other women after hanging out with me and my daughter for the day. I have decided to go NC for a couple of weeks. As I can't go on like this, I miss him terribly even though he is an awful human being. He completely love bombed me at the beginning of our relationship and he is doing the same act to this new girl they are 'so in love' I found out via fb and mutual friends 😭 she has posted many picture of them together, I had no idea and thought he was getting better with my help and we would end up together. We have been together for 3 years and we're engaged with one baby. Help me keep him blocked, I know I need to move on for the sake of me and my daughter. All the 'love' was just an act 😭😭

Fitforforty · 03/05/2021 18:29

If you have a child together and he is not abusive to that child then I’m afraid you can’t no contact. Your child has a right to a relationship with their Dad. Get an app for contact about parenting issues and keep all communication about issues to do with your child.

Scottishskifun · 03/05/2021 18:30

What's your access agreement for your child?
Can you find a third party to go through?

Although going NC with him directly to give yourself a break you still have a child together so need to find a way which works so your child isn't deprived of access to her dad.

brandnewcoffee · 03/05/2021 18:35

How old are you OP?

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:36

I was just going to go NC for a couple of weeks to try and get my head round it all. I have blocked him on the messenger app but he can still ring my phone or text me.

It has only been 24 hours and I have not heard from him.

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Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:37

I am 31 he has been coming to see the child once a week for a few months now. Our baby is nearly 1

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Chattycatty · 03/05/2021 18:39

Sounds like he wants a relationship with his daughter and you should allow and encourage that. Don't stop access because you are hurting.

omg35 · 03/05/2021 18:40

You need to separate your feelings of hurt from your daughters right to know her dad. He hasn't cheated on her or mislead her really, just you. You can't block him, you just need to chalk this up to experience and be the bigger person. Getting on well with him will make co-parenting much easier moving forward

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:42

I hear where you are coming from. I am hurting so badly.

Him visiting once a week is tough as she doesn't seem to recognise him and get quite upset if she is left with him.

But I suppose that is only going to get worse if he doesn't see her for a few weeks.

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Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:44

He just lied to my face for so long.

I asked him just last week if he was seeing anyone and he said no.

He has been dating this women for over 6 months, and now live together.

He has been playing happy families with us, going out for coffee and walks. When I ask him if we had any future he said you never know what might happen

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Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:45

I thought we had a future and there is no chance of that.

He left very abruptly and claimed he was sleeping on a friends couch.

He may have cheated on me I am not sure, he won't answer this,

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omg35 · 03/05/2021 18:48

He's treated you appallingly. YANBU to be upset but you've created this little human with him now so you are unfortunately tied to him until she's 18 or he loses interest. Not sure which is worse tbh. What you can do to help yourself is make the call you're never going to be together again and do your best to remain civil. You'll also want to prepare yourself that as time goes on and he meets someone serious and DD is older, contact could be for longer and away from you. This all sucks. I've been there, but it's part of parenting to put your child's feelings above your own even when the pain is intense

Theunamedcat · 03/05/2021 18:48

@Hopefulmama123

He just lied to my face for so long.

I asked him just last week if he was seeing anyone and he said no.

He has been dating this women for over 6 months, and now live together.

He has been playing happy families with us, going out for coffee and walks. When I ask him if we had any future he said you never know what might happen

Yeah I would find that betrayal hard to swallow too

So you have only blocked him on messenger not on your actual phone? That seems reasonable

Have you removed him off your Facebook or social media if you have it?

Do you have a friend/family who can be present next time he visits to prevent any "talk" from him?

I would stay low contact with him keep it strictly about your child

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:52

@omg35

He's treated you appallingly. YANBU to be upset but you've created this little human with him now so you are unfortunately tied to him until she's 18 or he loses interest. Not sure which is worse tbh. What you can do to help yourself is make the call you're never going to be together again and do your best to remain civil. You'll also want to prepare yourself that as time goes on and he meets someone serious and DD is older, contact could be for longer and away from you. This all sucks. I've been there, but it's part of parenting to put your child's feelings above your own even when the pain is intense

I am going to find this so hard to do, but I know you are right.

His behaviour when he first left was so unpredictable. He was claiming that he wanted to Kill himself and has several accidents.

From breaking his arm, falling at works, to crashing his car, drinking heavily.

I thought I was supporting him through this, he seems a lot better now, obviously no thanks to me. He is in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship.

He has moved nearly 2 hours away.

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omg35 · 03/05/2021 18:54

Google grey rock technique and go with that. You have to engage about DD but there's no need for you two to be anything other than pleasant with each other and keep it solely to matters regarding DD. Don't engage with the drama which is happening to keep you emotionally invested

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:54

Yes only blocked him on messenger not my whole phone, he could get through if he wanted too.

I have deleted him of all social media. He has already blocked me on Facebook to avoid me seeing all the lovey photos of them together.

His friends were under the impression I knew about this other women.

It's my ego that's hurting more than anything.

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Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 18:55

@omg35

Google grey rock technique and go with that. You have to engage about DD but there's no need for you two to be anything other than pleasant with each other and keep it solely to matters regarding DD. Don't engage with the drama which is happening to keep you emotionally invested

Ok thank you for your help

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Ardvark111 · 03/05/2021 19:18

I'm sorry for your hurt, believe me in time when the novelty of new rship wears off from this woman she will kick him to the kerb soon enough sounds like he has jumped straight in there they will soon find out each other's personalitys / ways, and he may even piss her off by stepping out of line with her kid

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 03/05/2021 19:53

@Ardvark111

I'm sorry for your hurt, believe me in time when the novelty of new rship wears off from this woman she will kick him to the kerb soon enough sounds like he has jumped straight in there they will soon find out each other's personalitys / ways, and he may even piss her off by stepping out of line with her kid

Thank you. He can keep the act up for quite a long time. I used to say he was ' too good to be true' to my friends as he just seemed to go out of his way to make me happy.

But the way he has treated me now. It is all an act. He managed 2.5 yeah with me. As soon as the baby arrived things changed, like he didn't have me to himself anymore.

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Ardvark111 · 03/05/2021 22:42

@hopefulmama123 due to the child you share being so young you will need to maintain some amount of indirect contact do you have a 3rd party to be a inbetween person between you n your ex,? Sounds like you'll have to be mum + dad to your child in the interim in ref to him if in the future should he comes crawling back tell him he made his bed n to lie in it,!! Be kind to yourself x

KarmaNoMore · 03/05/2021 22:48

Op, this will hurt and hurt for a while but you need to put your child over your feelings. If there is a single thing you both can do for your child is to keep the lines of communication open as you will need that communication to parent appropriately separately. This would save you from thousands of misunderstandings and avoid your child being caught in the middle of conflict by being forced into the role of the messenger once he can speak.

Reduce contact with him, ask him to take DS out rather than opening the house to him but whatever you do, for the sake of your kid, do not stop talking to him (unless he is violent or abusive, that is)

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 04/05/2021 06:27

I do see where you are all coming from.

It's just been such a hard year, I just wanted a couple of weeks to pull the shreds of what's left of me back together. He has been so manipulative.

If he really wanted to contact me he can. I am just reducing my contact heavily.

No more playing happy families. As he clearly is not thinking like that.

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KarmaNoMore · 04/05/2021 08:04

That’s ok and good enough, as long as you can continue to communicate about your child things will be okay.

In the meantime, be very very nice to yourself and try not to think too much about it as the more you think about it the worse you will feel, and you need to be in one piece to keep taking good care of your kid.

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 04/05/2021 08:17

Thank you so much, it is strange how a message online can be so comforting.

I have just dropped my DC at her day care and can't stop crying in my car. I finally have time to stop and think. A good and a bad thing.

I will try to stop the thinking, I keep wishing I had done things differently and that it was my fault, but it was ultimately always going to end this way. It's probably better now than when we were married with more children. He has some deep rooted issues that were just waiting to come out.

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KarmaNoMore · 07/05/2021 08:41

This will sound silly but do not allow yourself to indulge on “what ifs” “or how dare he to...” the former because you cannot change the past and the latter because as much as he is the one in who didn’t behave well, you cannot allow yourself to see yourself as a victim because that puts the power on him and takes it away from you and you need to stay strong and in one piece to rebuild your life.

But at the same time, remember that we cannot stop loving people suddenly, we care even for those who have wronged us. So just accept you are going to love him until... you don’t but in the meantime be your best friend, put yourself first and don’t let your thoughts hurt your feelings.

You can deal with this and over the next few years you will find in you a strength that you never thought you had within you. Because whatever people think about “single mothers” there is no more empowering experience a woman can go through than becoming one, so as long as you don’t let your heart go bitter over the journey, you will be fine and eventually much happier.

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 07/05/2021 08:59

@KarmaNoMore

This will sound silly but do not allow yourself to indulge on “what ifs” “or how dare he to...” the former because you cannot change the past and the latter because as much as he is the one in who didn’t behave well, you cannot allow yourself to see yourself as a victim because that puts the power on him and takes it away from you and you need to stay strong and in one piece to rebuild your life.

But at the same time, remember that we cannot stop loving people suddenly, we care even for those who have wronged us. So just accept you are going to love him until... you don’t but in the meantime be your best friend, put yourself first and don’t let your thoughts hurt your feelings.

You can deal with this and over the next few years you will find in you a strength that you never thought you had within you. Because whatever people think about “single mothers” there is no more empowering experience a woman can go through than becoming one, so as long as you don’t let your heart go bitter over the journey, you will be fine and eventually much happier.

Thank you 🙌🏼🙌🏼😭😭 I am feeling a lot better about it even just a few days on.

I listened to a podcast with a similar view and I've been trying to stop that exact thinking of the 'what ifs' etc the break up has happened and it has happened for a reason. I have to trust it is for my greater good.

Yes it still hurts
Yes I still love him

But hopefully in time this will be fixed. I just want to be the best mother I can be for my baby. I've already done so much more than I thought I could. I've got to start believing I can do this and be happy again one day!

Thank you so much for your post. It has given me a morning boost xx

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