Am I in the wrong /overreacting?

[Vamoosh80]

Hi
This is my first post as after a weekend driving myself mad feel I need some outside perspective.
I have massive trust issues and have a real issue about being lied to. Usual roots in childhood etc. H knows this. We've been together 20 years and we've had many many serious arguments about it. He knows it's a big deal.
Like a lot of people from what I've seen on here I found porn on his phone. This was about 2 years ago. He had been sent images of naked women by a friend so hadn't sought them out but had then exchanged really lewd and upsetting messages with the friend about the women in the pictures (when in the house with me). I went mental. He promised it was a one off and if he got sent more he just wouldn't comment.
Fast forward to now. Same friend sharing the same kinds of images. Some videos now not just pictures and some quite gross to be honest. Also friend sending picture of cocaine. H replying saying he wishes he was there and will try to come along next time etc. We've never used drugs and I'm shocked that is apparently something he feels he is missing out on.
When confronted H says the porn pics is "what men do and he's not a bad person" and the comments about the drugs were "saving face" but it not something he gets involved in. Big issue for me is when I asked about the friend H swore blind to my face he doesn't touch drugs. He then had to backtrack when I said I'd seen the pictures. He said he didn't want to "upset me". He knows how I feel about lies. And yes I know I shouldn't be looking on his phone but I do if I feel something isn't right.
Now what? This is such a pattern of behaviour. We'll argue. He'll continue to do it because it's "what men do" and when asked he will lie, which is the biggest issue for me. I also will not wonder every time he sees that friend what they're up to/taking. And I know I won't get the truth if I ask.
We have 2 young kids and he's not violent etc. But I'm so fed up of constantly having the trust shattered. Over stupid things.
Am I overreacting to be so upset?
Thanks for reading!

I don’t think you are overreacting necessarily but I don’t think it is a good idea to snoop on your partner and of course he shouldn’t be lying to you. Have you ever thought about having couples counselling to talk about the lack of trust in your relationship?

I doubt this is any different from what you'd find in most men's phones. Maybe just dont look unless you have suspicions that somethings going on which so far, it isn't

Thanks for commenting. I do think that is probably a good idea but I'm not sure he would be happy to do it. Mind you maybe it's something I can do alone to try and sort out my own issues.

I think you are being very controlling and using having trust issues in your childhood as an excuse to snoop on his phone.

You either trust your partner or you don’t.

your dh sounds quite weak willed if he can’t stand up to this friend. How come you’re checking his phone?

Having someone look through my phone would be a line in the sand to be honest. Whether or not his friend touches drugs isn’t really any of your business so not sure why you need to grill your DH in that.

All that said the graphic porn images would make me question the relationship.

No one likes to be lied to OP. But I think you need to accept that most people do tell little white lies every now and then, to represent their behaviour in a positive light.

If I were you, I would try to stop focusing on the 100% honesty side of things quite so much, as I think it is muddying the waters here, and focus on his actual behaviour (rather than what he says). Is there anything he has done that is unacceptable to you? That's more important IMO than your expectation of total honesty.

I think counselling (joint or individual) could be a good idea to help you with this.

I doubt this is any different from what you'd find in most men's phones.

I disagree with this, not all men have pornographic images and cocaine snaps sent to them. My partner and I are really open about porn use and previous drug use. I don't actually check his phone but I'm fairly certain his friends don't send him photos like that, they're fairly grown up though your husband sounds like a bit of a sheep, OP.

You sound like toxic and controlling one

I'm 100% certain that I'd find the same on my DH's phone. Ive seen the odd dirty meme when he's had WhatsApp up on his desktop but I've never bothered looking through everything on his phone . It doesn't sound like trust issues. It sounds controlling.

I think you need to work on your own issues a bit to be honest as it really isn’t normal to be checking your partners phone like this. He should maybe tell his mate to stop sending stuff like that though but you need to stop doing what you are doing as it making you feel like this

I think you need to be more realistic about people. People tell lies and men and women take drugs and watch porn. That's life.

I think you've got terrible advice here OP. It reminds me how someone once said you can post the same question on a different day at a different hour, and get a completely different response!

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. A marriage is supposed to be a really close and important, intimate relationship that is even more trustworthy than other relationships of trust, like work colleagues or acquaintances.

If you are married to someone who swears blind that he didn't do something, and then you find out he actually did, that's a huge breach of trust. Of course it is. There's a huge difference between little white lies (answer to: does my bum look big in this?) and full on blatantly lying. You are right not to trust the word of a serial liar. Does that mean he will be unfaithful to you? Probably not, you can't extrapolate that, but you can be justified in saying 'I cannot trust this man's word to me.' And that's a difficult position in a marriage. I'm sorry he lets you down like that. You deserve to have someone be authentic and trustworthy in a relationship.

To be honest he sounds immature and a bit of a weak person if he has to save face all the time. You can't do anything to change that, I'm afraid. But you're not being at all unreasonable.

You've had many serious arguments about this, but the problems remain the same. You have a pattern in your relationship and are going round in circles - having a massive row every so often about lies you have caught him out on doesn't stop him lying again. Nor does it stop you from going through his phone and driving yourself crazy.

Apart from the porn and his dodgy drug-taking friend, do you have reason to distrust him and go through his phone? Not issues from your childhood, but actual issues with him where he has cheated on you or similar?

If you have not, then you need to get a handle on your own issues and not just blow them off as baggage from your childhood that entitles you to behave however you like. Whether the relationship survives or not, you need to address this and self-soothe, not use it as an excuse to police and control a partner.

If porn is a dealbreaker for you, then your partner has shown you clearly time and again he has no intention of stopping viewing it, so actually make the break instead of kicking off over it again and again yet sticking it out. Your ultimatums are meaningless hot air.

Thanks all for your comments. I appreciate people taking the time to read and share their views. In terms of the question as to whether he's done anything before the answer is "I'm not sure". In the year leading up to our marriage he had a friendship with a work colleague that I suspect may have been more. They went on a work trip and when he came back he was like a different person and he said he didn't want to marry me and we broke up for a while. I didnt check his phone etc and at the time believed nothing had happened when that's what he told me even though the behaviour was really out of character. I then got accidentally sent a message he'd meant to send to her. It wasn't overtly inappropriate but was intimate enough to suggest something had been going on - saying "I miss you". I asked why he'd been sending it and he said I was reading too much into it and that he'd distanced himself from the friendship and that's what he meant by missing her. The trust issues in our relationship developed from there. My father was a serial cheat/adulterer and drug taker which is why drugs are personally a big deal to me - not other people taking them as I have friends that do, but I wouldn't expect my husband to lie to me about it. For example the settings in which we see some friends are different to others (I avoid certain nights out with one friend that is very into drugs because its not my thing and she knows that and will let me know if it's going to be that kind of night) and we all respect that there are parts of our lives we don't have to always share as part of the friendships.
But like the last poster says the cycle is never going to change unless I sort myself out.
Oh and re the question why was I looking on phone. We're having an extension built and he's been taking photos of the progress. My sister asked to see how it was looking so I was looking in his pictures to get the photos. As the other messages had been sent on what's app they were in the media gallery. It went from there. I didnt just pick it up and look through it. My point was just that I would if I was worried about something and part of my wishes I had that time with the colleague as maybe if I'd have got the full story. It was the same the time before. It was around Christmas and he's taken the kids to Smyths and taken pictures of the stuff they'd liked and I was sending them to myself (with his permission). Again the porn was sent via what's app so popped up in the gallery. But yes I shouldn't then have gone and read the messages about the porn / drugs and I appreciate that's my issue not his.

I think it's him not you. Just your gut feeling that he's evasive and up to no good etc. I've felt insecure with one man and secure with another, I was the same person so it had to be down to their behaviour. If they lie about one thing then its only natural to wonder what else they're lying about. God I hate this 'all men ' nonsense. Like children would eat every sweet in the house if allowed to, there is a reason that boundaries are put in place. He can't just do whatever he likes when he's married to you.

@Gyh863 that's exactly it. I always think if lying comes so easily what else is there happening where the truth isn't told. I also don't really see what the point is with some of the lies. For example, even though it's not for me, we have some very good friends that we know occasionally take drugs (although not when we're with them). It's not like that in itself is a problem I just can't see the point in swearing blind that this particular friend "doesn't touch the stuff" when they clearly do. Mind you, DH goes on a lot of "boys nights" with said friend and I guess doesn't want me to know what said friend (and from the sounds of it DH too) actually is into...

For example the settings in which we see some friends are different to others (I avoid certain nights out with one friend that is very into drugs because its not my thing and she knows that and will let me know if it's going to be that kind of night) and we all respect that there are parts of our lives we don't have to always share as part of the friendships.
Perhaps your DH sees you compartmentalising friendships without issue and thinks that what you don't see doesn't harm you.

I think you need to be more realistic about people. People tell lies and men and women take drugs and watch porn. That's life.

You've had really weird advice on here, OP.
And I completely disagree with this statement. Yes people watch porn, not all though and not everyone is okay with it so it is completely acceptable to set a boundary there and say you're not okay with it, the same with drug use. However I think your issues run deeper than this and you don't trust this man atall. Like a PP said, I have also been with a man I didn't trust (couldn't put my finger on why) but I was so suspicious of him and I checked his phone etc at any opportunity, I eventually found a lot of horrible things had been happening behind my back. Now I'm with someone and I trust him, I just have a feeling about him and I don't need to check his phone or his social media etc, I just don't have that same gut feeling that I have had previously. Trust your gut I would say. I'm the same person, having come through and shitty relationship with all of the trust issues to show for it but I just don't get a bad feeling about my partner. Gut is so important, IMO.

@abeanbaked thank you for this. Yes, you're right. My guy is uncomfortable. I don't make a habit of looking for things but I do feel suspicious a lot and inevitably it comes out in the wash that something isn't quite right. As you say I accept some people are into porn and drugs. I'm not and didn't think DH was either. The porn thing we've discussed before so I thought he knew where I stood. I spoke to him about it and it's basically been left that "it is what it is" "it's only banter" "it's what men do and good luck to me finding someone that doesn't" etc. He pointed out that he's sent the porn he doesn't go looking for it but I don't think that means he needs to encourage it.
As another poster said though by letting it repeat in a cycle just shows I'm full of weak threats. I feel really torn between my gut and disrupting my young family because I know he's untrustworthy when his defence is always that it's not like he cheats, is physically abusive etc. I don't know. Maybe I expect for too much and as others have suggested am the toxic one here.

*gut

Even without getting into everything else, not cheating and not being physically abusive is really scrapping the barrel in regards to a healthy relationship. I mean that's really the bare minimum.

I doubt this is any different from what you'd find in most men's phones. Maybe just dont look unless you have suspicions that somethings going on which so far, it isn't

Irrelevant! Why do people think men get to make the rules and it’s a woman’s place to follow them? Just because a lot of men might do this, it doesn’t mean women have to bow down to it and accept it.