Is it possible for me and my children to go NC with just one parent (when the parents are still together)?

[poetsdream]

I currently do not have a relationship with my mother, my choice (always had a difficult relationship - 3 years ago realised that I can step away to protect myself.)

The silver lining is that my relationship with my dad has gotten better - I was not close to him growing up.

When I have children, I would want him involved in their lives (to whatever extent he wants to be involved), but not my mother. This is because she is prone to rejecting people/ cutting them out / pushing them away if they do something that she takes as a personal attack or wrong - reasons I believe the general population would find unreasonable. I don't want my children to develop a "good" relationship with her, ultimately to be rejected like I have (and I'm not the only one!)

Is it even possible for my children to have a relationship with my dad? How would you explain if they ask why they never see their grandma, or why they never go to grandad's house?

I think the main issue might be whether or not your dad will agree to this. If they live together she might make his life very difficult if he continues to see you and your child when you won't see her. Is she likely to ask your dad to choose?

@KylieKoKo It's hard to say but I don't think she would ask him to choose. He doesn't work, she works and also spends a lot of time abroad in her home country while he stays home. One of my siblings is also not on speaking terms with her. How it works with us and this situation is that we see him when she's away, or we meet outside for a meal or something during a time when she's unable to make it due to work. We avoid arranging something with the whole family together unless she is abroad as I don't think he would feel comfortable leaving her at home while the rest of the family meets. I wouldn't feel comfortable either as that seems too pointed, and sad. I'm not in the business of 'leaving her out' per se, just interested in avoiding all contact with her.

Yes, it’s possible, but only if your dad is supportive and cares enough. I went NC with my stepdad (my dad died when I was younger) because he sexually abused his own children. I left the possibility open that my mum might still have a relationship with us if she accepted what he did was wrong and was willing to reach out and get some therapy and support so we could have an independent relationship with her. She wasn’t willing to do that, stuck by my stepdad and refused to have any sort of further relationship with us unless we minimised his abuse. I refused to do this and we are now NC with both of them with no hope of repair. It’s the right decision but I wish they could have been grownups who made proper responsible decisions on behalf of my children.

@mindutopia I'm sorry to hear that about your mum - I guess facing the facts about her partner was harder for her than losing the relationship with her child and grandchildren, so sad.

I think my husband and I will just have to have a frank conversation with my dad, and see how much he wants to be involved, and whether he would be willing to keep the boundaries we set in regards to my mother.

We'll also have to think through some responses to likely questions from the children.

It would be interesting to hear if the situation can be navigated with some success... but maybe it's just impossible!

I would say no this is not possible if your mother and father are still together. He gets what he wants out of their relationship and this arrangement they have works for them both. He has failed to protect you and your siblings from the excesses of her behaviour by also enabling her. He has not changed fundamentally since your childhood and nor has your mother. It will be the same deal for your children as well. I also think he could promise much but when push comes to shove he could well let you down yet again and further side with his wife. I would also say that unless he fully accepts responsibility for his own part in this dysfunctional family set up (sadly unlikely) I would not be seeing him let alone with your children in tow.

Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them remain abusive. I would not let your dad off the hook at all here because he also cannot be relied upon. If your DHs parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy, then I would encourage your children's relationship with them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

You will be a parent yourself one day. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for goodness sake, don't show it!. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from your mother whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behavior; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things.

I would also suggest you now read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

IME no it was not possible. My M was totally loyal to my D, chose him over me when the chips were down, accepted his version of events unquestioningly and carried his (hurtful) messages from him to me.
As @AttilaTheMeerkat outlines you need to think very carefully about what level of contact you allow given how difficult your own experience has been ... they won't change.

When we had ds mil bowed out of our lives. Sadly fil followed suit despite tearful pleading from dh.
That twat walked off and left him sobbing in a supermarket cafe.

Hopefully things will work out happier for you op..

@Aprilshowersandhail
There is something truly devastating about being rejected by both parents. I was 42 & it nearly broke me. Why do people have to be such shits?

I have been nc with both my dps for 20 years. Genuinely doesn't bother me. But my dh is a lovely man!! Never wronged either of them. Some days I feel mad we never see them out and about just so I get chance to ignore them and show we don't give a shit...

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thanks so much for your considered response, lots of great advice there, especially about presenting the situation to a child in a matter-of-fact and assured manner. I've seen the Toxic Parents book recommended a few times on here, I'll check it out.

Thanks @Aprilshowersandhail & @tobedtoMNandfart for your experiences. Very sad to consider that it probably won't work out...