Finding it hard to hold back

[Mmmmdanone]

I recently told my husband that I wanted us to separate. We can't afford to do anything about separate houses at the moment so for now are still living in the marital home together with the children.
As he is not the one who wants to separate he seems to think he is the innocent party. I've only really told him I don't love him any more and not the detail as to why. I don't want to have any argument or bad atmosphere as we are trying to get on for the sake of all in the house. But he has been a bloody awful husband in so many ways. Many of the issues are incidents that happened years ago (and I should have ended it then) but are still part of the reason I don't love him. He genuinely seems to believe he's done nothing wrong and it's all me. He keeps saying we are separating because of "communication problems" but that isn't it at all, unless we're talking about his moodiness, dismissiveness, talking over people, rolling his eyes etc etc. I feel like I might explode and tell him everything I hate about him, but obviously that's a bad idea.
Any tips for my sanity?

There are two options.

Either you get some counselling for you that helps you process how you feel about him or ask him if he is willing to undertake joint counselling to help you separate amicably.

If you are going to live together and with children I would not get into it with each other over what has gone wrong. Unless you both have high emotional intelligence this will go wrong. And you will be at each other’s throats for the duration.

Would you really be open to someone who is harbouring ill feeling towards you, telling you exactly what they think of you. I wouldn’t and I can’t see how it will solve anything. This is what will happen if you do it to him, you will get it back in spades.

You won’t get closure and you won’t get validation. You will get hurt and so will your children.

I have been in the same situation - living in the same house after separation - and it was horrible. All I can give you is sympathy and suggest that you don’t do almost everything that I did.

The only thing that worked for me was going grey rock.

Mostly I said

Mmm
Ok
Whatever you think
That’s nice
You might be right
I don’t know
I’m too tired / stressed to think about this right now
That’s an idea

Actually other things that worked for me was refusing to discuss anything that wasn’t about the children or the house.

This was very hard for my ex. The most important thing is his life is his work , in fact it’s the only thing he really cares about. We used to work in the same industry and he spent hours every evening talking to me about work. Basically I gave him hours of free consultancy every week, on top of my FT job and having FT responsibility for kids and house.

When he left our marriage he rather naively assumed that all that emotional labour would continue, and he was gobsmacked that it didn’t.

To him “staying friends” ( which was always a ridiculous idea in our situation ) meant “ You will continue to provide all domestic servicing while I will be free to shag other people and treat you like shit”.

“Would you really be open to someone who is harbouring ill feeling towards you, telling you exactly what they think of you. I wouldn’t and I can’t see how it will solve anything. This is what will happen if you do it to him, you will get it back in spades.

You won’t get closure and you won’t get validation. You will get hurt and so will your children.”

This. He’s agreed to you separating and for all you may feel that it is entirely his fault that the relationship has ended, things are rarely so clearcut because no-one is perfect. I don’t think attributing fault in this situation will help and will only make things worse.

Thank you all for your advice. Actually, strangely, I kind of want him to lay into me with all my faults. Is that strange? A couple of times if I have said anything critical of him he says something along the lines of "well, I could criticise you. You're not perfect. But I won't". He sounds so superior when does this and I kind of want him to let rip and tell me how terrible I am. I don't really know why. Maybe so I don't feel so guilty for being the one to end it.

@Mmmmdanone
Are you sure you are not talking about my DH? OMG. Exactly the same. We have been together 26 years. He is not physically abusive and was a great dad to our 3 kids when they were young. He also cooks, so most of my friends thought he was an angel. As a partner, however, he is horrible. He literally thinks he knows everything, he does everything the best, he will put you down, laugh at you, criticize you. We DO have communication problems. We cannot talk. That is, if I say something is bothering me, he is going to go into defensive, immediately, he will start arguing with me. He never listens properly, try to understand, say he is sorry or try to change. Eventually he will stop talking to me and this may last days, weeks, months. Also, he is very cheep and has always been controlling when it comes to money.

Two weeks ago, I told him I want out of this marriage. Same thing as yours, he said that none of this is his fault, that I want a divorce, that he thinks I did not try hard enough to work on our marriage... and all that BS. For a moment there I felt bad, well he is right, I do want out, but later I realized what he is doing, he is blaming it all on me!!! I do want to leave but it is because he is an a-hole!!!

Sorry about my language and my word explosion, I could not control myself. I am so mad, so full or rage. You see even now, at the very end of this long and painful relationship he cannot admit that he is at fault, apologize, ask for forgiveness or do anything, really useful or helpful. I am just so sorry that I wasted best years of my life with this man. Really.

We are also still living in the same house, and I told him I wanted him to leave but not yet, as he has been trough a lot and has lost his job, but he told me he will leave in July. In the mean time, living together is hell. We do not talk at all. I would like to at least pretend for the sake of our kids because we did not tell them yet, but no, not a peep from him and he knows I hate this. He said, "good luck explaining this to the kids.", but somehow I think, well I hope, that my kids will understand.

Just hang in there. I think that you are past explaining and arguing. You made up your mind and are ready to leave and I am somehow certain that he is not willing to listen and understand anything. Sending you virtual hugs. Stay strong.

Thanks for your kind words loveyourself2020.
They sound similar but mine doesn't cook. And isn't a great father (although he thinks he is 🙄)!
Hope you get through this very difficult time. At least there's a timescale for you hopefully🤞. I have no idea how or when me and husband are going to separate.
Good luck to you x