Will I ever stop feeling like this?

[willthiseverstop]

During 2020 my husband had an affair with a colleague. He decided to end it after she gave him an ultimatum and we decided to try again. Sadly it hasn’t worked out and he will soon be moving out of our family home. I 99% believe they are not currently in contact (except for work), but he hasn’t ruled out restarting their relationship once we’ve separated.

However, my issue is that whilst I chose to forgive the affair, I have an incredibly strong reaction to any mention of her name or anything that reminds me of her and it’s getting worse. I end up shaking and in tears. I can’t bear the fact that this woman may be a part of my life in future, that I might be forced to be around her for the sake of my children.

Will this ever stop or get better? How do I cope if they end up together?

“ It's not an instant fix, but I usually find that understanding why we are feeling or reacting how we are can bring some peace ("yay I'm not crazy!") and make it much easier to figure out what to do next or simply how to ride it out.”

I think that’s why I’m posting here as I’ve tried to figure it out and failed so far. I need to rationalise it so I can deal with it. I am extremely risk averse and like to feel in control so this whole situation is difficult for me.

This is all helping so thank you to anyone who’s replied so far.

Yes you will.

My exH left me for another woman, then came back and then left again for her.
Then we tried again (because I was weak) and I realised I could just not forgive his betrayal and so I ended things.
I used to get upset and angry at the mere mention of her name. Now (2years on) I'm at the stage that if he told me he was back with her, I would be almost relieved in a sense. She is insignificant now, but his betrayal cut much deeper and has left a lot of scars.

I feel total rage towards the OW and not enough towards my husband so this is hitting home.

I hope you keep posting

@Anniewilkes1 I suspect I many end up where you are. Once I’ve dealt with my feeling towards her I have to deal with my feelings
towards him and the impact what he chose to do has had on me. It sounds like you’re making good progress though. I hope you are doing OK x

@heartlex are ideas why you think that is in your case?

[quote willthiseverstop]@heartlex are ideas why you think that is in your case?[/quote]
I know what the OW looks like and a few other details but we’ve never met. It’s so much easier to pile it all on her as the stranger and think the worst of her than look across the sofa. I think of her as a thing/it rather than a person but it shifts day to day. I have to fight the urge to contact her. I want to tell her what I think of her but I also want to understand why she would be part of it.

I wish I’d never met OW. But for some reason (that I’ll never understand) she decided to try and be my friend. I wish I could get her to explain what on earth she was thinking. That’s partly why I’m so angry with her, that she came into my life and lied from the start. I guess that’s why I don’t trust her.

OP,

The betrayal is just enormous.
The fury that must be coursing around your veins for someon who tried to be your friend and then to betray you with your husband.
Now to hear that you may have to deal with her in an ongoing way through her having contact with your children.

That just sounds so stressful OP.

I think you should be very understanding of how you are feeling, and go so easy on yourself.

I think your upset is so normal and understandable.

It will pass OP - hang in there

Please speak to your counsellor - get it off your chest, it may very well help, instead of bottling it up.

As long as your children have you, that’s all that matters x

@willthiseverstop
Yes it is easy to blame the OW and not focus on the person who has hurt you the most. That's certainly what I did. It's taken me a while to move past it and I'm not sure I will ever get over it. I'm seeing someone now and I have to try really hard not to let my past betrayals effect my life going forwards.

The OW in my DHs EA reacted to a simple message I sent her to let her know DH was still married ( he never mentioned me in their interaction). She is a very ancient ex. I wasn’t rude or aggressive I just informed her of my existence and that DH wasn’t very tech savvy so I had come across their conversations on my device ( iCloud and linked accounts).
Her reply was a lengthy character assassination and a claim that it was just a simple catch up of old friends. It said more about her than me so I was able to suss out the sort of woman she is, we have never met and have no one in common. It wasn’t an innocent catch up but she was careful not to implicate herself. I suspect she has experience in EA via text. Since then she has resorted to covert methods. It is all very School girl, we are both in our 50s which makes it actually quite funny.
I was very hurt and would love to contact her husband and drop her in it but I’m a grown up and realise that it would not make me feel any better. The ripples it would cause for her would be far greater than for me.
However, the gloves will be off if she decides to try her luck with DH again. There will be no warning. Just a full disclosure to her DH and her grown up kids.
If DH wants out he is now aware that he needs to do it properly and before lining up a replacement.
I’m still a little numb from the whole experience and not completely convinced about my marriage. It’s been a weird year and I will see how I feel as lockdown eases. I feel a false sense of security at the moment and I need to see how I feel when normal life restarts.

What a horrible betrayal.

You say he's 'not ruled it out'. Not exactly Romeo and Juliet, is it?!

Him dumping her at ultimatum stage will have changed their relationship. They might get back together, yes. It's unlikely it would last. It's quite likely she'd take revenge by dumping him back. They both know she wasn't first choice. Not a good start.

So firstly - try not to worry too much.

Sounds also as if it might only take a new love interest to sway him off her. Or, even a casual observation from you that, if they did get back together, you'd possibly look at moving on yourself - moving further away, as you wouldn't want to be particularly near her. That'll panic him. He'll want his babysitter close and convenient.