Husband messaging other women

[JNS1]

Hi,

So the other day I stumbled across some messages my husband has been sending to a couple of other women (they came up on a shared ipad presumably that he didn't realise he had Facebook still logged into) now I realise I shouldn't have read them but I do have trust issues mainly from my lack of self esteem after recently having a baby and being at my heaviest its at an all time low.

The messages themselves weren't flirty but he has been talking to these women near enough every day just small talk and stuff, we've been together 10 years and I have never met either of them nor has he ever mentioned their names in conversations about friends. Also when I went back on the ipad he had deleted these conversations but no others which I find strange if its as innocent as it seems.

So my question is am I being paranoid that he's having these secret conversations or would you be concerned if your other half was doing the same?

I’d certainly be keeping a close eye on it! Don’t say anything to him, keep your powder dry just now.

The fact he's never mentioned them and is deleting the conversations is suspect. But as there was nothing explicit I'd hold off asking him for a while but I'd be keeping a close eye on things.

So much depends on the content. It's strange behaviour but perhaps they're friends and it's totally innocent but he fears if you know about it then it might upset you or leave the wrong impression.

Don't get me wrong it's rarely that and usually because there's something going on but chit chatting about children and work and the news is not how men generally communicate with women they're shagging or trying to shag.

As others have said you need to keep an eye on it.

As I mentioned I do have some trust/self esteem issues and I have flown off the handle a few years ago because he was texting someone that I was convinced fancied him which turned out to be totally innocent and he ended up deleting her and not talking to her anymore to make me happy (I realise I am sounding like a complete bunny boiler here 🙈 but I promise I'm not that bad!) So I know if I bring anything up he'll say that's why he deleted the messages.

One of the messages was just talk about a holiday we're going on soon and house prices in our area ect so not flirty at all i just wish he wasn't so secretive about it all.

I don't have trust issues and I would not be happy about this.

Ask him..

@JNS1

As I mentioned I do have some trust/self esteem issues and I have flown off the handle a few years ago because he was texting someone that I was convinced fancied him which turned out to be totally innocent and he ended up deleting her and not talking to her anymore to make me happy (I realise I am sounding like a complete bunny boiler here 🙈 but I promise I'm not that bad!) So I know if I bring anything up he'll say that's why he deleted the messages.

One of the messages was just talk about a holiday we're going on soon and house prices in our area ect so not flirty at all i just wish he wasn't so secretive about it all.

I understand your perspectives, but then how could.he a say about messaging them e.g. I've just chatted with x today, and he may not want to be seen to be rude to you, e.g. If he thinks you knowing he's chatting to z will make you suspicious and to keep the peace it's better to just to have the conversatio n without announcement of it, unless you mean he keeps the record of the convo so you.can also read it ?

Just ask him in a non-confrontational way. You could be worrying over nothing. You also really need to work on your confidence.

Wouldn't bother me whatsoever and I'm sure my OH has many conversations with both men and women I don't know about.
If you have been known to kick off over something innocent, why would he risk that again, even if its purely to avoid upsetting you.

Written conversation is no more intrusive than spoken, so would u get upset if he were chatting to some random woman in the supermarket?

However of course the heavy mob will soon be on here telling you he's having an emotional affair and to leave him before he leaves you. If you are prone to insecurity it's the last thing you'll need but hey ho

I think your previous overreacting means he's unwilling to share details of these friendships as he's afraid of you flying off the handle again, perhaps work on these trust issues first and the openness will come?

Personally I think it’s dodgy he deleted if nothing in it. Has to be either he fancies these women and trying to build something or more lightly there is nothing in it and knows you would be jealous or whatever so kept it to himself.

Context is everything. He has experienced you flying off the handle if he has an innocent conversation. He didn’t challenge you then and instead just deleted the messages.

Now he is chatting to friends who are women. To avoid a repeat of the past he deletes the messages. Probably aware that you have seen them and read them.

You gave him a perfectly valid reason to delete messages. Whether they are innocent or not. These were innocent and he felt he had to delete them. You felt you had to check up on whether he was chatting with friends. And the problem is worse.

Now as two grown adults with a child you need to discuss the situation you have both created. If you cannot accept that an adult can chat with other people then you really need to resolve that. He needs to put in place the right boundary rather than accept an unreasonable demand.

If they hide it then yes it's wrong and they know it's wrong. If they were just mates surely he would be like. Suzy text today. She said to say hello to you. That sort of thing!

Sadly this is something that happens alot now due to Facebook, phones and dating apps. It's horrible. I've just seperated from a lying idiot (possible narc) who was sneaky with women and his phone. He even had a women telling him how amazing he looked with loads of kisses Infront of me on his Facebook.

It's disrespectful and you don't have to justify your insecurities when your gut was right.

Ask him. I find that is the one and only way to handle these situations. Put them right on the spot and say who's Annie? I was on the tablet and saw you'd been messaging her and she's not a name you've mentioned. If he reacts like a maniac and doesn't just happily say who she is then he's got some explaining to do!

Are they not just friends?

I would ask who they are. How he knows them. That's it. You have a right to ask.... and be informed....but no right to go mental if they are honestly just mates.

Just ask him x

Did you read the whole thread of messages between them op? How far back did they go?
I find it odd that he has now deleted them but I assume that is because he knows you have seen them.

Surely he would have been better keeping them if they innocent as evidence of no wrong doing. Unless he really is walking on eggshells to the extent that he panicked and deleted? If that is the case, you really do need to talk. It’s not a healthy relationship if someone is fearful of the others reaction over something minor.

Good luck, I hope you get to the bottom of it and get sorted quickly. I know all too well that feeling after having a baby and feeling you will never get your self esteem back. You will.

Nothing innocent needs to be deleted and hidden.

Even if the messages are harmless, his thoughts and intentions are not - not if he has to deceive and hide messages that's lying.

I'm sorry this is happening to you

I think you have to ask him as they could be friends but certainly deleting stuff suggests its not innocent. Unfortunately its so easy for men to message women and make out its innocent when its not....

@sunnyblackwidow

Nothing innocent needs to be deleted and hidden.

Even if the messages are harmless, his thoughts and intentions are not - not if he has to deceive and hide messages that's lying.

I'm sorry this is happening to you

That’s nonsense, and clearly you’ve never been in a relationship where your partner is jealous and snooping on you. It can drive secrecy

So I've had a conversation with him this morning, I casually dropped into conversation that I noticed he was messaging a woman yesterday and asked who it was, he denied speaking to anyone and said I must be mistaken and it was only after I told him I already knew he admitted it. He said that i make him feel like he's doing something wrong and he can't have conversations with other women incase I get the wrong idea so it's easier to hide it from me. He did apologise and said he would be more honest in the future.

Both the women he was speaking to are from his home town that he's not seen for years hence why I've not heard of either of them, one added him on Facebook recently and they got chatting but I'm not sure how he started chatting to the other one.

I'm not sure how I feel now tbh half of me thinks that my jealousy has caused this but then the other half of me thinks that it's his secretive behaviour that had made me feel this way. He's a great husband normally and I have no other reason to believe he's being unfaithful

Be honest with yourself. Are you jealous? Or are you good with your gut.

My first and second boyfriends In my early 20s were both liars. Flirted with anything in a skirt. One cheated all the time. The other just fancied anything attractive. Both caused me stress and I was unhappy!! I was always on the lookout.

The third relationship I had was so peaceful. Not once in 8 years did I ever doubt or worry! Nobody made me insecure. I didn't snoop or suspect. He was good.

My 4th and most recent dropped himself in it with dramatic stories about females. Turned out he's a liar. A cheat. Women everywhere.

My gut has never failed me!

It's funny how he's deleting message threads with other women...and yet somehow he's convinced you it's your fault. 🤔

When I was married deleting texts I'd written to other men was not on the agenda. I was not afraid of any message I sent to anyone being read by my husband. Of course it's suspicious.