Obsessed with thoughts of possible cheating

[DorothyWasRightTho]

I have recently become obsessed with the thought that my partner cheated on me. Years ago (2017/18) I went through a really low patch with my mental health and really pushed him away. I had counselling eventually and worked through my feelings which weren’t really anything to do with him or the relationship and things were a lot better. Around this time I found a hair bobble behind our bed. I know this sounds innocuous! But it was 100% not mine and I hadn’t had any friends to stay over in our room so couldn’t be that. I asked him at the time where it had come from and he said he didn’t know and I left it at that. But recently I feel like I had a wave of realisation come over me that he had cheated. I was quite close with one of his mates wives at one point but we drifted apart. I can’t help thinking she knows and feels bad and so didn’t want to see me anymore.

I cannot stop thinking about this, I know the logical thing would be to talk about it but I feel like that is something you can’t take back. My mental health hasn’t been great this past year and I am wondering if obsessing over this is a symptom of that. If anyone has any advice I’d gratefully receive it!

Trust your gut. I wish I did earlier.

That said, try not to obsess and let it drive you mad. If you can check his phone & put your mind at rest.

Gosh don’t trust your gut, Christ it’s a hair bobble.

Op it could have been there for ever and never noticed before.

The friendship could have drifted for many reasons but doubt it’s because she thinks you husband cheated

Don’t go checking his phone that’s crazy. It was three four years ago

If you have a history of depression or other MH problems - start there. Go back to your doctor.
After a year we all have had - it’s understandable if your symptoms come back. And obsessions over some possible past events could be a symptom.

How is your relationship currently? Do you have kids? Has the relationship moved on and are you moving towards marriage?

Haha that couldn’t be two more different responses! He is and has been in the past slightly cagey around his phone and now has it set up to auto delete all messages after a month or something to save memory.

Thanks @MMmomDD I have thought I would like some more counselling at some point but I’d like to do it for as long as necessary and can’t afford that privately at the moment.

We had a baby last year which has been amazing but obviously strained our relationship sometimes as it will do, especially during a pandemic! I would like to get married but he’s always been a bit vague about it. I’ve never been pushy about it, getting a house and having a baby felt more important.

With regards to the hair bobble, is there any possible way it could have got there innocently? Would an affair partner wear a hair bobble? Was it a kiddie one or for adults? How old is your bed and would you have cleaned under it/behind it?

I have been through something similar. Had a few years of really difficult MH and grief where I was only just holding it together and functioning for the DC. When it passed and I rejoined life iukwim, I had similar concerns as a few things in those years didn’t add up but never got to the bottom of it and probably never will now so made my peace with it. It did open up painfully honest communication between us though (he denied getting up to anything) which has massively improved our relationship.

Can you contact the mates wife on the pretext of a end of Covid catch up. See if she wants to meet for a coffee when cafes open up properly later in the month? Reminisce about that period, if that’s when she stopped seeing you, to see if it prompts anything?

If you want to set your mind at rest, could you look through bank/credit card accounts from that period. Old emails/messenger/Facebook etc.

If there’s nothing, then you need to find a way to move on if you’re happy in the relationship now.

Thanks for your reply @DroopyDaff and sorry to hear you’ve been through that. Glad it’s improved your relationship in a way though.

I cant think of any way it would have got there. We rented the house and it was unfurnished so definitely appeared in the time we were there.

I do wonder if I’ll get an opportunity to ask her at some point but don’t think I’ll go out of my way to engineer that!

As I said he’s pretty hot on auto-deleting old messages etc so I don’t think I’d ever find anything. I think you’re right, I’m not going to do anything about it now, we’re exhausted, haven’t spent any decent time together for over a year and general stress is affecting my MH.

Have you ever had a cleaner?

Have you ever been diagnosed with OCD? There is a kind of OCD called Relationship OCD (referred to as ROCD) which involves involuntary, repeated unwanted thoughts about your relationship. If the only ‘proof’ you think you have is a hair bobble, from years ago, I would have a look at ROCD and see if you think this might be affecting you. If you have ever had young relatives or kids of friends over, the bobble could belong to one of them who fancied a bit of trampolining on your bed, however, if you can’t quiet your mind and you are constantly returning to the subject and mentally revisiting it over and over again, I’d have a chat with someone at your GP surgery about OCD and ROCD. Take care X

Never had a cleaner/young relatives etc.

That is really interesting I haven’t heard of ROCD. I went through a period in the first lockdown where I had really intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to my baby. It didn’t last long but this feels similar in that i can’t stop myself thinking about it sometimes and get in to a negative spiral of thoughts. Thank you, I will certainly look into it.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will try and forget about it for now and work on my general mental health and just try and enjoy some time as a couple again. Hopefully I will feel better about it, and if not.. maybe we’ll discuss it at some point.

@DorothyWasRightTho your intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to your baby are classic OCD. I honestly think you should talk to someone about the thoughts about your baby and the thoughts about the hair bobble. OCD is very, very persuasive. You can convince yourself for a short while then the constant thinking unpicks your conviction and you start all over again until you get reassurance. Rinse and repeat a thousand times until the penny drops and you realise it’s OCD, not reality.
ROCD can take many forms. Wondering constantly if you really love your partner, if they really love you, worrying over and over again that you might cheat, or that they might cheat etc etc. The thing about OCD is that the content of the intrusive, repetitive thoughts is usually miles and miles away from anything that you or your partner would actually do. The fact that you have already realised you had repetitive worries about bad things happening to your baby (which rationally you know wouldn’t happen) shows me that you have noticed your MH tendencies. This whole ‘cheating’ thing could actually be associated with that. There’s loads of help out there and it can be dealt with. I hope you get it sorted. X

The thoughts about my baby only lasted for a brief time but it was very intense and upsetting. I can see similarities for sure with these thoughts. Thank you so much @Thewookiemustgo

Another thing that might help you put your mind at rest. I live alone, I'm pretty organised, tidy etc.

I find things I didn't remember I had and go as far as feeling that I've never seen them before in my life etc but it's impossible, so I know I must have.

The brain is an incredible, but fallible thing!!

I found an earring. It wasn't mine and I wouldn't be gaslighted into believing it was mine. But I did let it go, because I couldn't prove it.
Nine months later I read his phone. Turns out it wasn't the earring of the woman he thought it was. Was another woman's instead. A few messages later.... there was also a third woman.
Hair bobbles don't appear from thin air.

Op, there is no doubt some folks have had cheating partners and they will come on here telling you it must be happening to you too.

In reality this was years ago, the bobble could easily have been somewhere hidden for years and just got displaced or you just didn’t see it, even belonged to someone who lived there previously. It happens quite a lot. The mind is a funny thing.we all have things we don’t remember putting somewhere, or looked for ages for them realised dor some reason it was just in front of us and we didn’t see it, as an example.

As you’ve had intrusive thoughts before, and it appears to be happening again and there is very little to nothing say he is cheating here, I’d focus on it being a potential mental health issue as this stage. 💐

What Thewookiemustgo suggested is a very real thing, my ex was 'diagnosed' with it. He was convinced I had cheated or would cheat (I hadn't and never would). He would revisit tiny things like being me being ten minutes late home from work one time years before. It was born out of insecurity. Being on the receiving end of that level of paranoia was awful. The problem was he knew it had no basis, but kept accusing me anyway, convinced I was going to leave him someday. He was basically pushing me away to prove his point.
Then his counsellor labelled it as ROCD, and in doing so validated his behaviour. He seemed to think an official diagnosis linked to his poor mental health gave him a free pass to continue accusing me because he was ill and couldn't help it. Unfortunately for him the Police thought otherwise when he attacked me one night to get hold of my phone in order to prove I was lying.

OP go and see someone for help with this if you think it could be what your issue is. You don't want to end up in the mental health mess that he did.

I have OCD, from you mentioning the intrusive thoughts about the baby, now this, it sounds pretty likely. Don't underestimate the effect stress can have on OCD and intrusive thoughts. OCD is an awful disorder, you deserve help. Your local area may offer self referral through IAPT - just Google IAPT plus your local town/s. Also, the Mindfulness Workbook for OCD and Imp of the Mind are so so helpful, if you want something in the meantime.

It's important to know that your obsessions can change over time, so you need to learn skills to manage this and accept it as part of you. Secondly, obsessions attach to the things that matter most to you. It's no wonder you've been obsessing about threats to your baby and your relationship.

Please take good care and get yourself referred for a possible diagnosis and support.

Hi OP, i suffered with intrusive thoughts many years ago, scared the living daylights out of me for months before I got help, and I also suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and OCD, not the compulsions side of it, but Obsessional Thinking, I could have written your post, its exhausting, you cannot silence your mind no matter what, the thoughts are on a loop and the temporary relief you get from reassurance is fantastic, but pretty soon after, your own mind puts a different spin on it and then you're back to square one. With GAD my anxiety and OCD will spring up about anything but usually it comes back to whether my partner has or will cheat. It generally has nothing to do with his actions, but the tiniest thing that can add weight to your concerns (a hair toggle in your case) serves as evidence to the OCD brain. I really feel for you, but I nearly lost my relationship due to this, so I would say please get some help amd advice, and if you can, pay to go privately even if its just for a few sessions as it can work pretty quickly. The hardest part is the also the cure, I was told that seeking reassurance was actually feeding the thoughts, and that I had to learn to live with doubt sometimes. Its well worth the hard work though.

OP has said the hair bubble was NOT there when they moved in.

Like a pp said, it doesn't appear from nowhere... to behind a bed.

Why the hell would you not trust your gut? Instinct is very powerful and not usually wrong.

OCD/ROCD might explain the OP's feelings but she didn't imagine the hair bobble.

If she's never owned a hair bobble amd there is no one else who might have been in her bedroom otherwise with a hair bobble, well it got behind the bed somehow.

I have not lived with anyone except my 2 daughters since my marriage ended in 2013, however I have found a pair of knickers before in my drawers (brand new drawers since the divorce) no idea how they got there but they definitely aren't mine or my children's. If I was living with someone I'd be suspicious, but I don't, and therefore I'm not worried, strange things happen sometimes, a hair toggle isn't really that far out there.

This is me! I have the most amazing husband who I adore who I am in danger of driving away. I start CBT next week..