This is so hard!

[Mumof3dogs]

Backstory so far ..
28 year marriage, DH high flying career me SAHM to support this .
3 DC in their 20s - one still at Uni .

He has been borderline NPD for years in addition to turning into a grumpy version of victor meldrew!
Sounds lovely right?

We have been in a cycle of him ranting at me , apologies after and him thinking all is fine after such rows .

He talks over me , puts me down, doesn't consider my feelings only his - you know the type .

Sex life is dead - I really can't do anything with someone who I have no affection for .

So fast forward to this week, after yet another row at the weekend when he actually told me that maybe we would be better apart, I snapped and decided that enough is enough and I'm done!

Spent many hours stressed and worrying but finally told him a few days ago that I agree and we should part as neither of are happy.

The look of shock on his face was priceless, I doubt he had really meant it so didn't expect me respond in such a way.

Anyhow , now he is trying hard to be the nice person he thinks I want in the hope that I will come to my senses and everything will be back to his sense of normal .
I think the phrase is he trying to hoover me back in ?

I am trying to be nice and not shock him too much, but how on earth do I get him to take me seriously?
I have a lot of affection for him as we have been together for so long but I don't think he can change nor do I believe he will.
I'm finding it frustrating that I have made this huge step only for it to now seem to have been sidelined by his "oh we have to keep trying dont we ?

Sorry for the ramble / any wise words welcomed..

Dear OP, I am in almost exactly the same position as you are. I have been with my DH for 26 years, three kids, 22, 19 and 16. He is a good dad and he has never been physically abusive to me. However, he is emotionally abusive, yes. He is a narcissist (although not a diagnosed one), he is domineering, disrespectful, unappreciative, controlling and has no ability for compassion, is rude and obnoxious... Sorry, I could go on and on. The thing is, last January I thought I had enough. I started going to therapy to work up my courage to break up, when Covid hit. I decided to postpone everything until it is all over but fast forward more then a year later, our family has been through hell, in addition to Covid, especially my DH, loosing his job, his mom. Of course, I was not going to initiate anything yet because of this, because I am an actual human being, loving and caring, but a situation presented itself and I felt I could not lie so I told him the truth. That I am done with this marriage. I told him I did not want to do anything yet, until he is back on his feet, but he decided to leave anyway, I think just to make me feel bad, or perhaps hoping I will change my mind, who knows.

The other day he comes to me and tells me: “For the record, I do not want this, I do not want to leave, and I do not want divorce, it is all you. Good luck explaining this to the kids. What are you going to tell them or other people, why you are divorcing me? Lack of communication? I think you are giving up easily, not really fighting for our marriage”. I felt frozen, did not know what to tell him, felt so guilty, feel guilty all the time. However, afterwards, when he left and I was breathing again I realized how manipulative this was, blaming me for everything, not taking ANY responsibility for what has happened, not ever saying he was sorry for any of it. And to tell me that I am giving up easily after 26 years. How many more years should I give him, how many more years should I wait for him to become a better husband?
Oh, I though this is all YOUR fault, but yes, you are right, I want it. I want to break free from you!!!! I am done with you!!

Please do not let him "suck you back in". I know exactly how you feel, how hard it must have been for you to say, enough is enough, so do not let him take it away from you. Stay firm, tell him it is over and start planing separation. You deserve to be happy! I keep telling myself, I do not know how many years I have left to live, but I want to be FREE. Free to do what I want, free to say what I want and go where I want. To love myself and care for myself.

Lets give each other support. I am here to listen.

I would suggest speaking to a solicitor about divorce proceedings and then telling him you've spoken to a solicitor, you are preparing the application and he needs to take you seriously. When I told my narcissistic husband I wanted a divorce he spent a whole day trying different tactics to get me to change my mind. Don't believe any of it. And don't worry about being kind to him - he's just cross you made the decision and not him.

I was in your position 5 years and he was so shocked I asked for divorce and virtually begged me to stay and promised me the world.
I fell for it, things improved for a while, but gradually slipped and his behavour has got worse and worse over the past couple of years.
I finally left him 2 months ago and moved back into my mums (kids are adults).
I felt such relief when I left and my only regret is I was talked into staying 5 years ago. I've wasted 30 years on this man - I'm not wasting anymore.
To top it off, after him begging me to come back back and promising the world again - he was on an online dating site 6 weeks after I left looking for my replacement!

Be kind to yourself and put your feelings and needs above everything. See a solicitor and start procedings. Good luck with everything

Get yourself a solicitor.
Get yourself your own bank account if you don’t already have one.
And get yourself a job if you don’t already have one.
He’ll work it out eventually.
Oh and ask him about his private pension 😉

@loveyourself2020 thanks for the reply!

I've been through the job loss - 4 times and have stuck by him and held his hand - though little thanks I have ever had!

My DH sounds to have been just like yours in behaviour and I have been pushed that one step too far and decided enough is enough .

Thanks for the support- I need it to stop myself from just from just going back for the easy life!

I loved your comment of giving up too easily - I was told the same and I agree so much that we shouldn't have you wait more years for them to be better husbands !

Sending support your way!

@Dogfan I think a solicitor is a good idea / will look into it this week .
At least currently we can do stuff like this remotely!

I think he is cross that I have called his bluff and gone with his suggestion of separation- I doubt he really meant it but was using it to control me and put me back in my place . He thought I should be happy that he wasn't leaving me!

Seeing how next week progresses should be interesting, can he keep up being super nice or will he slip back I wonder ?

@thelonggame thanks for the warning- this is what I need to help me stay strong!

Another 5 years of this round be hellish, so having made that decision I want to stick to it.

Funnily enough one of his first comments when I said we should spilt was that he didn't want to start the dating game again and surely I wouldn't too nor want the shame of a second divorce. I mean another relationship is not top of my list for quite a while so would not be my top reply!
And the shame of divorce - I think I can cope with 🤣

@DinosaurDiana
Thanks for the reply!

Luckily I have a monzo account plus I opened a new account too last week.

Job wise I have been working for the business he set up do he could work ( after losing his job for the 4th time )
How long I will get paid for this who knows, depends if he will stay amicable like was promised last week when he first suggested a split.

I have got a part time job due to start soon though so that's a start .
It's hard finding something when you have been out of the working world for so long. Needless to say he was very mad when I was offered the job as I hadn't told him I was applying and hadn't asked him about it. His concerns were all selfish ones and there was no wow well done!

I have also enquired about a house to rent and may go look at it next week. I have told them that I will pay the rent upfront so fingers crossed that could be accepted.

We are away at the moment at our holiday spot ( previously planned)
In seperate rooms and beds thankfully.. he has been trying I suppose- less grumpy / moody than normal and actually pleasant and helpful- even washed up!!
How we go on when we get home will be interesting as I am guessing that the mask will slip fairly quickly!
Wish me luck 🤞🏻

A week on from dropping the bombshell on my DH and I'm not quite sure how I feel.

I guess relieved that I finally said it but also frustrated that DH doesn't seem to think that I was serious.

He wants us to try hard so we don't throw it all away. This means him bending over backwards trying to please me - from actually doing the washing up, to sending me loads of texts in the day , to trying to plan stuff for us to do "together "
He seems to realise that he has well and truly messed up and could lose me ( which is good) but his efforts are making me feel pressurised which is not good.

Last week I was full of inner strength and felt empowered once I had made the decision. Now I feel to be slipping back to the previous shell of a person.

So folks I need some wise words and encouragement to keep going .Any tips on how to push through this would most appreciated!

He is hoovering you back in to the relationship with the grand gestures and love bombing.
How long will this good behaviour last I wonder? He was the one who suggested you'd be better apart and because you agreed and called his bluff, his attempt to control and make you behave backfired!

I am all for working on a marriage and if it is salvageable and you want to make it work, then by all means do so. However, if he is a narcissist and is only doing this because he couldn't get one up on you, then I would be extremely wary of him.

Dear OP I really understand how you feel. My DH is completely opposite of yours, did not even try to change my mind, just accepted it, but he did make a point of saying this is all my fault, I am the one breaking our marriage and "good luck explaining this to our kids". We are still in the same house, have not told kids yet and it is very, very hard. I know that I am doing the right thing but the guilt is killing me. To get through all this I keep reminding myself that I did not come to this conclusion lightly. It has been years, decades of being mistreated and feeling miserable and the day has come for me to regain my life.

So I would say, trust your instincts, do not let him fool you. What he is doing is temporary, you know this cannot last. He is just trying to "prove" to you that he can do better, but this does not mean that he WILL. Think of your future. You deserve to be happy, you want to break free of his control. Stay strong!!!!

Hi op,

Please find your anger, and stick to your guns. These men don't change, at least not without intensive and expensive therapy.

The fact that he's been so nice NOW means he was being intentionally abusive all these years. He put you through years of hell, simply because he could. He's putting on an act now to suck you in. That's was abusers do. The ranty, nasty, grumpy, dismissive, disrespectful version is the real him.

Get a shit hot solicitor and he will take you seriously, I guarantee it.

@Mumof3dogs

The very fact that he can be nicer when he wants to is what his current behaviour is showing.............isn't it a shame he did NOT want to be 'nice' to you for the past 20 odd years

Get yourself a solicitor and begin divorce proceedings asap, because you can be certain that his mask of 'good' behaviour will bloody disintegrate !

Once he knows you're NOT going to fall for his 'nice guy' playacting, you'll have zero regrets about leaving !

Start writing down everything he has ever said abd done to you over the years or if you've written a diary read it when you get the wobbles.

I brushed under the carpet my husbands indiscretions because after 2 weeks of not talking to each other what he did didn't seem that bad, but this went on for 17 years.
When I was really done I started telling people we had split because I knew pride would stop me going back to him abd it did.
I also read old diaries to remind me what he did for years.

Our brains work hard when we are asleep to deal with trauma and bad memories so we are left with only good memories, it's why over time affairs/bad behaviour don't seem that bad.
You need to keep reminding yourself of the past.

Him suddenly doing all this is another way to keep control of you, he could have been nice and done housework and spent time together before but he didn't want to.
Now he is worried he is losing you he's trying to be the nice guy.

If you split no one actually cares, I was worried I would be judged by everyone but no one really cared, a few people who didn't know about the split said I looked happier and I needed to hear that because I then realised I'd carried a burden of a husband round for years.

I mean this gently op but reading your posts I suspect he was right and you didn’t mean it. Can you hand on heart say you’ve any real inclination to leave.

Thanks for the encouraging messages - helps give me strength to get through the day !

I will try to reply individually later.

One thing he said this morning made me upset- he was thanking me for making him a drink and finding something for him.
Said he now realized that he should have been saying it all along and he is noticing all I do for him.
What made me sad is how it feels all too little all too late!

@Mumof3dogs I wonder how you are doing?

I could have written your post OP. I need to get back to UK first though , as it’s going to be financially undoable to get my stuff back without the financial clout to do so. I am fed up of feeling like someone’s punchbag crosses with Cinderella. My trump card is if he doesn’t play nice and I think to be honest he will have a meltdown is I am more than happy to tell everyone I am leaving because of his secretive daily porn addiction for years (which he doesn’t know that I know). To the lady who mentioned partner was on a dating site within 6 weeks despite being ‘devastated’ - that was my experience in my first marriage — I find devastation only lasted till they lined up another sucker

@freeatlast2021
Thanks for checking on me!
I'm still here but ..
Still separate rooms, more rows and for me no much has changed - he seems to think a few weeks of washing up have solved everything 🤦🏼‍♀️
After last row we have both started counseling- his prompted by his work saying he was being very angry at work - lol
For me it's good to offload and also get some tools to help me deal with the past present and future.
I still in my heart think it's broken beyond repair but I'm going through the prescribed process to try
I have found a lawyer who is now lined up and I'm on a new job hunt too .
Holiday is Looming so I will have to chat with him to make him behave for a week
How goes it for you @freeatlast2021

@Mumof3dogs Glad to hear from you, but sorry that you are still in that difficult place. My husband finally moved out on Aug 1.

I have to say that it was very hard both living under the same roof and seeing him pack up an go. I definitely was relieved when he left and I could sleep in my bed, but the few days around the move were very emotional for me. It has now been four weeks and there are all sorts of emotions coming and going. I know that I need to be patient and that it will take time before I can really relax and enjoy this new life.

I have never regretted my decision. Our relationship has ran its course and there was no fixing it, this I know for sure. However, I do feel guilt and sadness a lot of the time, mostly for him being alone and all, but I am definitely looking forward to this new life.

@Mumof3dogs sorry, I just realized that you may not know who I am since I changed my name. This is former loveyourself2020.