Think husband is having an affair

[thinkIamdone]

We haven't got along for a while anyway as I had years of his abusive behaviour, and checked out emotionally. We have older teens, one left home and I moved into their old room last year.

I don't want to divorce because I worked hard for this home and it is my kids home. However last year I found some suspicious texts on his phone. One "you have the potential to join my life and i love that. Is that for you, if not say so x" and a reply from this woman (J) "in answer to your question, i said that if you had given us a chance of a proper relationship things might have worked out".

At first I thought it quite funny as he likes to string women along. I confronted him though and he said it was more a game than a relationship. He's a liar though and frankly nothing that comes out of his mouth, I believe. Anyway he said he would stop contact and block her. He got a new phone, but like the idiot he is put in his DOB as passcode. So I check it today and there she is under a man's name. No intimate talk but he appears to have been visiting her on the east coast. She sent him the postcode, so I googled it, so I know more or less where she lives.

I don't know whether to be angry or amused. I think I am sad because some other woman is getting the 'nice' side of him, whereas I suffered years of rage and abuse at his hands. He can't cope with stress and his previous job was full of it.

Do I just ignore and keep checking the phone? Confront him again? Have an affair myself?

Leaving isn't an option at the moment, but I am getting the little quackers lined up so to speak.

@Fabiofatshaft1 I didn't say I hate him, I just don't like him. I'm not happy in the marriage, but on a day to day basis, not unhappy either. Lockdown has been difficult because we are more together than previously, but once things open up again and I can meet up more with friends and do things, he can just get in with his life and I can with mine.

I said once I had slept on the possible affair, I just didn't care about it, and I still don't. Finding the messages upset me but just for 24 hours. We can talk to each other about children's hobbies, household stuff and it's normal, I just don't bring up anything from the past because he has effectively silenced me by blowing up. So yes, he has everything his own way, but very little impacts on me now. He does cooperate with me when it doesn't impact on his free time. It is a complicated set up I know, but I know there is an end in sight.

If my sis plans fall through, I'll just divorce him anyway.

@Onthedunes I agree with you I am very ambivalent about my H. His abuse was always verbal because he can't cope with stress. He was diagnosed with adult attention deficit disorder, so has huge difficulty multitasking. His job (now changed) was very stressful and he found he could only manage the job if I and the kids didn't put additional pressure on him, but a family needs attention. His response was going off every weekend fishing and other hobbies, and every evening gaming. So sod all for his family. When I nagged about this he turned on me. He also had an abusive childhood and a horrible mother, so he has issues with intimacy and women. However much I understand this and his behaviour, it doesn't excuse it. He is also selfish and self centred and never supported me. Some narc traits for sure, but a Jekyll and Hyde character, who can be incredibly caring.

I am going to get out and I will leave him because I am done. I just want to go on my terms. His possible affair threw me for a bit, but I now don't really care. He does have a good side of course, and has far more time for the DCs but knows I won't entertain him ever. A part of me does want him to say sorry and take responsibility but I know this will never happen. He will just gaslight me, so I never go there. Either way it won't change how I feel. We've been together 20 years and the early years have destroyed all the love I felt. The last 5 he has been much nicer to everyone but it is too little too late. Yes, v complex!

Just don't neglect yourself and your wellbeing as he has.

You count. How you feel day to day. Just because you are used to the hurt doesn't mean you should allow yourself to continue in that everyday for the sake of renting for a year or two. If it removed you from having to live with a selfish, self centred knob it would be money well spent.

Also, be prepared. His type gets nasty if he knows you seriously mean to split. Don't tell him until the day you are doing it (if at all).

I understand @thinkIamdone

There are more marriages out there like this than people can admit.
It's not weak and it's definetly not selfish, it's called self preservation.

One comment stood out to me.. he effectvely silenced me by blowing up. Nothing can ever be resoved this way except by death can it op?

He is an abusive prick, to be silenced into accepting his chronic behaviour , I should imagine your resentment levels are off the scale and your repulsion for his fairness in your marriage.

And I can imagine, you leaving and taking half his assets has to be scary, this man is not reasonable and I'm sure your reticence in leaving pronto, has something to do with this.
He's a controller alright, a Mr nice guy if you do as you are told and never bring up anything he doesnt want to hear, but when you do.....
Watch out I bet he's one hell of an evil cunt.

Just guessing..... its a war of contention and he does sound narcisistic with little empathy.

keep posting, this must be so hard for you.
x

Yes. Keep posting. Vent on here.

Marriages come in all colours of the rainbow, I guess.......

Why did you think it was funny that he likes to string other women along? It is pretty horrible thing to do.
So it sounds to me like you still care about him, just as @Fabiofatshaft1 wrote and you are turning the hurt that you feel towards him into anger with these women - instead of directing your understandable hurt towards him. I don’t think this is going to help you move on - it will keep fucking with your head.

I'm very confused how there's not much equity in the house, but then you own the house outright and there's no mortgage??

Weird one isn't it? These sort of arrangements blur the lines.

My neighbours are in their early 60s and have grown sons in their 30s who've left home a long time ago. They split up when the husband met someone else 25 years ago. He came back because the wife made it difficult for him to see the children who were small then but stayed friends with the girlfriend but not romantically. They don't live as husband and wife, have separate rooms and lifestyles and you never ever see them together. You see him doing the garden and cleaning his car a lot.

A few years ago she put all his stuff in bin liners and left outside because she saw him walking down the street with the woman he was still friends with. He's not on the deeds of the house either as she bought him out when he left originally but says he's entitled to half of it if he leaves.

Neither of them will leave, but if he met someone else she would go ballistic. He says he won't divorce her because she would kick him out and he can't get a mortgage now he's retired. It's a very odd carry on. Neither one thing or another.