I met a group of friends. They were welcoming and were eager to invite me out places, and I was excited and eager to go along as I felt it was the first time I was really going to experience parties and social life in a big way. I felt included and seen in a way I hadn’t before, as I was so used to being alone in my room and not socialising. It was a big change for me and I was very grateful for those parties.
I got to know a few people better, one girl named Alexa and another named David. Alexa was someone that had a mother my mum knew very well at school, so I knew her briefly from before sixth form started. I also knew she had very severe mental health issues. She was severely anorexic, and I had spoken to her once but didn’t know her very well apart from that. David’s family briefly knew my grandmother, one girl I spoke to at a party and another I knew well from primary school.
One evening, Alexa, David and I were in the computer lounge together. There was a sort of game going on, and I mentioned in a conversation about mental health I had ‘traits’ of asperger’s. Alexa seemed angry at this, her mood switching towards me. Her sister had been diagnosed with Asperger’s, so I assumed maybe she was offended I had mentioned I had traits when her sister was actually diagnosed. I notice the following day or so she unfollowed me on Instagram.
From this point onwards, Alexa seemed a lot colder and less friendly towards me. Quite noticeably she would be dismissive when I would try and talk to her, and it seemed quite clear she didn’t like me. I didn’t mind as I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong for mentioning my Asperger’s traits, considering now I have a full diagnosis.
David* began getting to know me and we began going on walks. He also had severe mental health issues and was vulnerable, and he confided in me about them. I wanted to help him in some way or support him, and seeing as we got along we developed a bond and it seemed to be heading in a romantic direction.
One day, after a party where David and I seemed even more close and he told me he had taken four too many pills, we spoke in the kitchen at sixth form and Alexa interrupted us. She asked if they were meeting at 4.30 to go for a walk. Alexa had previously not let me join a conversation and I had felt offended by this. I felt even worse now that she was going on a walk with David. I was confused and hurt as I felt perhaps David liked her, or she was trying to ‘take’ him away. These were my feelings and as inaccurate representations they may be of what was actually going through their minds, I own them and take full responsibility for feeling this way.
I went home and told my mother. She was upset for me, she then happened to see them together in the coffee shop, and I went on a walk by myself because I was angry. I then receive a message from David asking if I’m okay. I reply harshly that I’m not, that I didn’t “know they had a thing”… and that I needed some space.
I realise now this was manipulative and an immature way of responding. I let my emotions get the better of me and I should have been more reasonable, and I should not have sounded punishing and shaming to someone that showed me kindness and friendship.
David took three days of school, I assume for mental health reasons due to my outburst, and when he arrives back we go on a walk together to talk things out.
Wanting to solve the problem between David and I, I tell him that I feel Alexa is “spiteful”, “causing problems”, “trying to get in between us”, and if I remember correctly that “they should talk to her or do something about it” in a very frustrated way. This is perhaps my biggest mistake of all, as I realise I should not have mentioned Alexa and I should have asked David directly if this were the case, not assuming what happened and what was going on. I mentioned this because while what I said had some truth, that Alexa had been rude to me in the past, the reason I mentioned it was to make Alexa look bad. It was an extremely immature thing to do and what possessed me to think this would change how he truly felt about me I’m not sure. I now realise I cannot change how people feel if they like someone, and I should never attempt to persuade or control someone’s feelings.
The next day, I find out the boys had excluded Alexa via. social media from the group and David had sent her an angry message. Alexa was crying and hurt, and I was genuinely shocked to find out she had seriously been excluded from the group. I spoke to one of my teachers about it as at that point I was teary and upset too. After I speak to this teacher I see David, and tell him “they’re your friends not mine”.
That evening, David checks into hospital because he thinks he might try and kill himself.
Is this all my fault? I feel bogged down with guilt even though this was years ago. I can't get it off my chest or forgive myself. I'm usually anything but a bully or vindictive person.