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Relationships

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Original poster

Maintaining a relationship with DC's STBex SM and half sibling

15 replies

BlowDryRat · 02/05/2021 10:43

I'm looking for some advice. ExH and I have 2 children together. After our divorce, he got remarried and had another baby with his new wife. He hasn't told me anything (and likely never will) but the DC tell me that his new wife has taken the toddler and moved back to her parents. This happened several months ago and they haven't seen either of them since.

ExH was abusive and our relationship is non-existent. I got an NMO to stop him harassing me and all communication goes through my DH. Communication is limited to arranging contact with the children. He lives a couple of hundred miles away. His new wife's parents live 400 miles away. I haven't had much contact with her but got on well on the rare occasions we met, until the last year when she started weighing in with exH's nastiness. After a couple of incidents I blocked her number and emails.

The DC miss their step mum and their sister. I want to make sure that they maintain some sort of relationship. She's obviously in a bad place (although hopefully better now she's left exH). I don't want to come across as gloating over their failing/failed relationship. I'm not. She's been an excellent step mum to my DC and if it hadn't been for the last year's events then I would have said we would have been friends on other circumstances. I'm sad that she will no longer play such a big part in their lives.

How do I go about reaching out to establish some form of contact?

OP posts:

Original poster

BlowDryRat · 02/05/2021 11:00

Just to add, I know it should be exH's job to keep contact between the siblings, but he just won't. He will be too busy feeling sorry for himself to think about anyone else.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 02/05/2021 11:01

If she joined in with exh harassment, I wouldn't court any sort of relationship tbh.

People are complex and they can choose to scapegoat at random, it appears she may have started to blame you for your ex's behaviour. I would he concerned that she could get back together with your ex and/or share information (true or not) with him and it would be harder to dispel if you have actually visited, hosted and conversed with her, than if you could simply say to him or to any authority "none of that is true, in fact I haven't seen or spoken to her since x date".

Think very carefully about this and prioritise the safety of yourself and your own children.

DonLewis · 02/05/2021 11:02

I'm not sure I would.

Maybe unblock her and see if she makes any contact.

Glitterbaby17 · 02/05/2021 11:05

I’m a SM to DSD15 and also have DD3 and DS who is 7 months. So understand the situation a bit. It may be that when your she was behaving badly last year things were bad at home and he was being abusive towards her and she felt pressured to pile in on you. Not that it excuses her but maybe give a chance to see if the person you get on with is under there still.

I think if done gently she would appreciate you reaching out as the toddler might like to see their older sibling. I’d be very gentle, empathise that you appreciate it may be a difficult time for her etc but it would be nice for the kids to keep contact. If she’s living with parents a long way away you might need to facilitate travel there while she’s finding her feet. If she says it’s too much leave the door open until she’s feeling stronger. Hopefully you can make it work for all the kids sake.

GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 11:06

I also wouldn’t contact..... long term in 6 months or so to a year when the dust has settle then yes the children are half siblings and they should get to know each other but stay out of it for now

Didiusfalco · 02/05/2021 11:06

I think at this moment you probably do nothing. If she was an excellent step mum then she is probably basically a nice person and doesn’t need the guilt of worrying about your children too at the moment. Let the dust settle and then reach out tentatively, perhaps by email and see how she reacts.

MajorMujer · 02/05/2021 11:07

I'd unblock and send one message about keeping in touch for the sake of all DC involved then leave the ball in her court.

amylou8 · 02/05/2021 11:08

I would keep well out of it to be honest. Although of course you want the best for your DCs morally this is not your problem. You don't know the circumstances of the split. Her behaviour has caused you to block her in the past. Even if she is amenable, realistically how much of a relationship will you be able to maintain if she's 400 miles away.

AmyFl · 02/05/2021 11:10

I would just let her go, just focus on your own family.

Sakurami · 02/05/2021 11:11

400 miles away is too far to try and maintain a relationship. I'd leave it for now and then when the dust has settled send a message and see if the siblings can keep in touch.

Original poster

BlowDryRat · 02/05/2021 11:22

@PicsInRed

If she joined in with exh harassment, I wouldn't court any sort of relationship tbh.

Think very carefully about this and prioritise the safety of yourself and your own children.

I hadn't thought about this aspect at all. It's a good point.

She gave up her career once the baby was born to be a SAHM, although as their DD isn't yet 2 she'll be able to salvage it. I've never known a time when exH was solvent, other than when I bought him out of the house. I know money will be tight for her so I was thinking of taking the DC up and staying nearby for a few days during the summer holidays, with perhaps a trip to the beach together once or twice.

You're all probably right though, I should let the dust settle and see how it goes. I'll unblock her too.

OP posts:

oldstudentmum · 02/05/2021 11:40

She may have already tried to contact you but found she was blocked. I’ve been in your situation, nasty messages from her when together with ex. She apologised and although we are not friends I have the child to stay over etc. Children shouldn’t pay for the actions of parents behaviour. Perhaps FaceTime calls between siblings could be a good way to maintain a little contact.

Theunamedcat · 02/05/2021 11:44

Do you know the parents address? Perhaps your child can send her child a card for there birthday Christmas etc? That might be a less in your face way of doing it

AtLeastIWasWinning · 02/05/2021 11:47

First step is to unblock her . Then if she doesn't make any contact for a few months, just send her a little message about the children having a relationship and leave the ball in her court. See what she suggests or if she takes you up on it at all. Definitely don't jump in with days out or anything like that first.

Original poster

BlowDryRat · 02/05/2021 11:58

I don't know her parents' address but could probably find out easily enough. The child's birthday is in the summer so that might be a good time to get the DC to ring her.

OP posts:

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