Myself and Husband, total lack of respect toward each other

[JC2021]

Myself & husband are coasting in our relationship - we had a few problems before our DS was born, now there seem like many more and we don't click too well.. I feel we are drifting apart living under the same roof - he is very selfish as a person and really does prioritise himself. I am doing the child-rearing housekeeping full time SAHM, he is working full time and thinks god owes him for doing so...

Lots of odd dynamics at play, lockdown was difficult - one one hand he provides safety, security for my son and I on the other I fantasise about what life would/could be like without him.. He has mummy issues, which filters onto me.. literally tells her everything, every disagreement, our finances.. all of it!

I have literally no income or savings or independence for that matter.. that leaves me very vulnerable..

I don't know where to begin - but in our last argument he told me to 'F*ck off' and I told him he doesn't know who he is.. He slept with someone while we were engaged over 6 yrs ago.. and tbh it wouldn't surprise me if he is messaging someone else now as he is very cagey with his phone and doesn't leave it for a second, always on it..

he won't do counselling and seems happy to coast as we are.. although deep down i don't think he is happy at all..

my son is 2.5 yrs - due to start nursery in sept.. i don't live near any family or 'friends' (those very few who i actually have left)

has anyone else been in this situation? what did you do? outcomes?

My wish is that I get a job to support/sustain myself, to build a (new) social life, to live for myself as well as my son, to prioritise myself and my happiness/wellbeing.. to be independent in each sense of the word.. I need stability for my son, I had none as a child and has left me making wrong decisions to attain safety and security.

thank you in advance x

This is what I wrote to you previously and I could ask you those same questions now:-

"What do you get out of this relationship now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar between your mother and father?.

He is abusing both you and in turn your son. His actions are about wanting power and control.

Would you still call him a wonderful father?. He is not because he is treating you, the mother of his child, like something he has stepped in.

Would you want your son to become potentially a carbon copy of his father?. Think carefully on what you want to teach your child about relationships here. He cannot afford to grow up within such a toxic environment thinking that his dad's treatment of you (and therefore all women) is right. Many people as well work full time and do not at all act like your H does. He has ground you down and will continue to do so as long as you and he remain together".

You are not safe and secure when you are with your H so in turn your son is not either. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. This is no legacy to leave him.

What is your definition of stability and what does that represent to you?.

No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know even now. The fact you also did not have safety and security as a child is relevant and the crap lessons you learnt about relationships stemming from that need to be unlearnt through therapy. Abuse like you describe from your H now takes a long time, perhaps years, to recover from and your own recovery has not even begun yet.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those fully. Do consider further contacting the Rights of Women organisation and a local firm/s of Solicitors; you can divorce this man and rebuild your life without him in it day to day. There will be a financial settlement.

I would also think he has actively tried to sabotage any and all attempts for you to go back to work as well.

You have a choice re your husband, your son does not. Do not let this terrible relationship you are now in with your H become his "normal" too.