Have any of you ever left a really nice bloke who you just don’t love anymore ?

DinosaurDiana · 2021-05-02T07:47:29+00:00

Together over 30 years, married for most of it. Kids left/leaving home. Don’t feel I love him any more, haven’t for a few years. Don’t have sex, but peri so not bothered about that. I don’t ‘fancy’ him, in fact quite the opposite. We don’t do anything together, and I’ve tried but it feels awkward. He’s a really nice man but he just gets on my nerves. I’d be financially far worse off if we split. I’ve got this feeling of wanting to be independent, wanting to own own house where I can have/do whatever I want to it. Am I having a midlife crisis ? Would it be a mistake that I’d massively regret ?

Pyewackect · 02/05/2021 08:55

I'd have a conversation. He may help you pack your bags.

Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 08:59

really nice

But you far from attracted to him
He makes little effort
And when you do do something together, despite being together for thirty years it feels “awkward”

He might be nice but he doesn’t exactly sound a catch

minniemomo · 02/05/2021 09:08

My exh says he loves me as a friend but just had enough being married, so yes quite possible. My relationship was like yours with him @DinosaurDiana

My dp however is very different, and lets say peri is no barrier to sex!

Original poster

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 09:22

@Pyewackect

I'd have a conversation. He may help you pack your bags.

I’ve wanted to pack his on a few occasions, but always stuck with him. His years of MH denial, while having small children, was a particularly hard time but I cracked on.

OP posts:

GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 09:23

Leave! Life’s too short.

Why would you stay? For what reason?

litterbird · 02/05/2021 09:32

You dont have to justify why you want to leave but if you just have the conversation that you are having here and tell him. Relationships run their course and now its time to go and spread your wings. You are not having a mid life crisis but re evaluating your situation after being wife and mother for years and years. Always putting your needs aside for the good of the family, sacrificing your career, your dreams and needs for the good of the family. Your work here is done. Time for you. Time to find out what you want, who you are, where you want to go. Go get a really good job if you can to help financially and pack your bags....your new life awaits....you wont find it in the kitchen sink in your house with your husband..good luck!

BigFatLiar · 02/05/2021 09:34

If thats what you want.
I’d be financially far worse off if we split.
You both would. Sell the family home split the value and you both then have to buy somewhere else. Would you both be able to afford somewhere nearby, would you have to move. Would you have room for kids to visit if you moved.

Would you regret it Who knows you might find its the best thing you ever did, or it could be the worst. You won't know until after, if it went well - great, if not - tough.

Life's full of crappy decisions. Start by talking to him about how you feel.

Dery · 02/05/2021 09:37

A PP said on another thread - and I think there is truth in this - marriage for life made a lot more sense when women couldn’t earn their own living, had very limited control over reproduction and when average life expectancy was much shorter. It is heartwarming when people manage 50/60 + years of marriage but that doesn’t mean a lifetime commitment is right for everyone, particularly if you got together very young. I have also read that emotionally men do better from marriage than women. I suspect that may, at least in part, be because men get emotional support from their wives, whereas their wives can get it through a range of female friends and relatives.

It sounds a bit as if your marriage unit has run its course. That doesn’t make you bad or wrong.

The question is whether you would be happier alone. You may meet a fabulous new partner but there are no guarantees. Perhaps a good test would be - how would you feel if you didn’t meet anyone else but he settled down with someone new?

Also - I’ve never had much of a sex drive as such but I’m post menopausal and have more of a drive now than in previous years so your libido may reassert itself in future years.

WandaLust101 · 02/05/2021 09:38

Not 30 years but 10 years. Really struggled with the decision to leave and missed him terribly for the first year or so. We had issues concerning money and finances.

I’m now single and absolutely loving it. Feel a little lonely at times but it was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best decision I could have made for myself.

I would recommend getting some counseling to help you decide what to do. It will help bring you some clarity.

BigFatLiar · 02/05/2021 09:39

@litterbird

You dont have to justify why you want to leave but if you just have the conversation that you are having here and tell him. Relationships run their course and now its time to go and spread your wings. You are not having a mid life crisis but re evaluating your situation after being wife and mother for years and years. Always putting your needs aside for the good of the family, sacrificing your career, your dreams and needs for the good of the family. Your work here is done. Time for you. Time to find out what you want, who you are, where you want to go. Go get a really good job if you can to help financially and pack your bags....your new life awaits....you wont find it in the kitchen sink in your house with your husband..good luck!

This could go equally well for him.

He may be glad to see the back of you. Family raised, he can do what he wants, pack in that job he hates but he's been doing because he needs to keep the family going, buy a motorbike and bike around the world with his mates.
On the other hand he could be devastated.

Original poster

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 09:58

He doesn’t work, he retired early due to health.
I don’t want another marriage or co-habitation. I’d never want to be legally or financially attached to a man again.
I’m not a man hater by any means, I’m just not sure marriage is right anymore. I think you should want to be with someone, not have to be,

OP posts:

Pyewackect · 02/05/2021 09:59

I’ve wanted to pack his on a few occasions, but always stuck with him.
His years of MH denial, while having small children, was a particularly hard time but I cracked on.

.... presumably while he was putting food in on the table and keeping a roof over your head.

Anonanonon · 02/05/2021 10:09

@litterbird

You dont have to justify why you want to leave but if you just have the conversation that you are having here and tell him. Relationships run their course and now its time to go and spread your wings. You are not having a mid life crisis but re evaluating your situation after being wife and mother for years and years. Always putting your needs aside for the good of the family, sacrificing your career, your dreams and needs for the good of the family. Your work here is done. Time for you. Time to find out what you want, who you are, where you want to go. Go get a really good job if you can to help financially and pack your bags....your new life awaits....you wont find it in the kitchen sink in your house with your husband..good luck!

Hmm... not saying the OP might not have reason to leave, but try reading this out whilst switching the gender. Just saying it sounds all a bit classic male mid-life crisis...

GrumpyTerrier · 02/05/2021 10:21

Yes I left a wonderful kind successful caring and handsome guy because it didn't feel right anymore. I did question myself. But it's worked out fine for both of us, he is now happily married to someone else and my life is more what I want it to be.

Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 10:30

@litterbird

You dont have to justify why you want to leave but if you just have the conversation that you are having here and tell him. Relationships run their course and now its time to go and spread your wings. You are not having a mid life crisis but re evaluating your situation after being wife and mother for years and years. Always putting your needs aside for the good of the family, sacrificing your career, your dreams and needs for the good of the family. Your work here is done. Time for you. Time to find out what you want, who you are, where you want to go. Go get a really good job if you can to help financially and pack your bags....your new life awaits....you wont find it in the kitchen sink in your house with your husband..good luck!

It’s like reading the synopsis of cheesy film.

Keepithidden · 02/05/2021 10:46

Chances are he feels the same, I'm the DH in this situation and I wagwir my DW feels the same. The status quo works while it's needed for parenting though...

Keepithidden · 02/05/2021 10:47

Wager, even!

LindaEllen · 02/05/2021 10:47

This sounds exactly like my parents. They split after 28 years of marriage, when my brother and I had left home.

Seven years on from that, and they're much happier, still actually friends, and talk more/go out more than they ever did when they were married! So it's actually been quite a positive for our family.

My dad is the loveliest man in the world, and my mum would agree with that, she just didn't love him or want to live with him anymore.

Sundance2741 · 02/05/2021 11:54

I believe you should listen to your feelings. Unfortunately you can't know what the future will hold, but you can make the best of it.

But why do you think you may have cause for regret? Do you mean because you'll be less financially well off or is there more to it?

Perhaps some counselling would help you decide?

Original poster

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 12:07

@Pyewackect

I’ve wanted to pack his on a few occasions, but always stuck with him. His years of MH denial, while having small children, was a particularly hard time but I cracked on.

.... presumably while he was putting food in on the table and keeping a roof over your head.

As was I, as I was working.

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Original poster

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 12:14

The regret wouldn’t be about finances as I work.
I just wonder, if we didn’t live together, if the old spark could be re-ignited. Whether absence makes the heart grow fonder.
We’ve been together a long time, I used to adore him, we used to have fantastic sex.
I wonder if this is the way it’s meant to go, or if we would be happier apart.
I’m just putting my thoughts out there and asking for people’s experience.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 02/05/2021 13:21

Why not just talk to him about how you feel.
Maybe a bit more effort on both your parts may get you back on track, maybe not. Maybe being apart and 'courting' again may make a difference.

On the plus side If he's had to retire due to ill health and you separate you don't get stuck looking after him.

Ihatesalad · 02/05/2021 13:34

@DinosaurDiana— I sympathise— I’m on second marriage- 25 years now and realise I find marriage a bit dull without kids around anymore. I don’t like the expectation that you have to spend vast amounts of time with the same person and compromise an awful lot, put up with moods etc. . Maybe I would feel differently with someone who had a lot of local friends and interests and had plenty to do separate from me— but I don’t have that on his side - so feel a bit like a source of constant company /support. Thing is though I do care and I know a lot of women would be fine with someone who is always around— I am seeing how I feel though as covid undoubtedly highlighted this issue as did moving abroad and I would come back before making any decisions.

Original poster

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 15:51

@litterbird

You dont have to justify why you want to leave but if you just have the conversation that you are having here and tell him. Relationships run their course and now its time to go and spread your wings. You are not having a mid life crisis but re evaluating your situation after being wife and mother for years and years. Always putting your needs aside for the good of the family, sacrificing your career, your dreams and needs for the good of the family. Your work here is done. Time for you. Time to find out what you want, who you are, where you want to go. Go get a really good job if you can to help financially and pack your bags....your new life awaits....you wont find it in the kitchen sink in your house with your husband..good luck!

Thank you for what you have written. I did sacrifice my career so that he could push forward with what he wanted to do. I was very lonely at times.

OP posts: