Does anyone else know there’s narc ex fuckwittery on the way when ...

[UseMyName]

They try and be friendly to you.

Ex sent me a ‘funny meme’ tonight 🙈 dreading the next 7 days now 😬

My ex gets super helpful for a few days, offering to have the kids an extra night, offering to take stuff to the tip, asking if we need anything that sort of thing then BOOM!!! superfuckwittery of the premium kind I now know to refuse all these offers of help so he can't use them against me.

Do you think they think ‘well I’m the good guy I did/offered this’ therefore I can’t possibly be unreasonable?

I think that is exactly what it is! They get to feel all virtuous because they've been helpful/nice/funny

AND...if we take the bait and respond, it tells them that we don't really hate them and they're not really as bad as we think. Because we wouldn't respond otherwise!

Which is why it's SO important to ignore!

Oh god yes. My ex gets all friendly and pretends to be interested in how i am ect. Then the inappropriate behavior starts, of wierd creepy comment's, showing me explicit picture's of himself ect. I'm sure his girlfriend would be thrilled

Yes, it's called hoovering and it's done to assert control. In this case, he is attempting to control your and others' perception of him.
Everything they do is artificially manipulated and to do with control.

Just ignore them.

@UseMyName

Do you think they think ‘well I’m the good guy I did/offered this’ therefore I can’t possibly be unreasonable?

I think so, yes, but forwarding a meme doesn't earn him any credits. That's no effort at all!

My ex was like this, in fact he once told me he’s only nice to me when he wants something. I ignore him totally now, much easier .

@milkandhoney888 you should retaliate with a double whammy re your ex sending pics, forward them to his gf ( if you know her number etc, and take to the police, I have a feeling he will refrain from sending them again,!!

@ardvark111 oh i did that with his last girlfriend so unfortunately he now goes " oh dd or ds wanted me to show you a picture of XYZ and then goes oops wrong one" I then put him in his place then get the silent treatment or cold shoulder for week's, which is frustrating when you're trying to organise contact

@milkandhoney888 yes I did realise after my post you say he showed them to you in person and not texts etc, apologies for that,!! Still questionable he going around with pics of his own dick on his phone,!!

Yeah, I found about hoovering i.e. when they suck you back in with overblown gestures, meaningless words etc when I was researching into the condition a couple of years ago.

I then understood why they could be so damn reasonable and prepared to listen properly. When it was too late, after the fact and they had probably got their way. Or just disrupted things going along to my suggestion at the very least.

My spouse is better able to see, 'the storm clouds gathering' of a potential outburst/tantrum/floorshow and just wants us to get away to a safe distance away from the 'blast zone.' Otherwise known as going home.

So, I'm currently in possession of the silent treatment. Not sure why but I think I can guess. The post issue talk about what went right. What went wrong. What was said vs what was meant. Never going to happen. Hasn't happened yet. Unlikely to happen ever. Clear the air ? Get on an even keel with the narc ? Common ground where we understand each other better ? Not happened yet. I now realise it won't happen ever.

When my reading/researching around the condition a couple of years ago made me realise they are not very grown up. They don't grow up. They can't. It's part of being a narc. They have the same want - want - want of a toddler. The same urgency of need it now and the same meltdown tantrum if it is not forthcoming.

When I had a heartfelt, 'sshh the adults are talking' moment a while ago I saw the narc in my life for what they were/are.

Regarding this silent treatment I'm getting presently. For reasons best known to themselves. I just think, 'oh get over your self / grow up.'

I await the hoovering. I truly believe it will come. No matter how long it takes. I've realised it actually can't not happen. They won't be able to help themselves as it's part of how narcs are.

So then, narc, for your next trick............

Just left someone who I think is a covert narc- never heard of ‘hoovering’ so off to look it up!
Feel pretty daft for falling for the bastard....

They hide who they are and act like Mr Reasonable until they think they have you hooked.
So don't feel daft for believing him, feel good about yourself for spotting the problems and leaving.

@Thelnebriati

They hide who they are and act like Mr Reasonable until they think they have you hooked. So don't feel daft for believing him, feel good about yourself for spotting the problems and leaving.

Thanks theinebriati that makes some sense. I’m moving to my new place next weekend currently with family. People who know us / them don’t understand the issues or why I left. It’s difficult to explain and I don’t always try as the reaction and disbelief is hard to take. I will get through and feel better already but never wanted this to happen so there is a sense of loss. Take care everyone and look after yourselves

I'm 2.5 years divorced but still some financial stuff to sort out, I seem to still be attuned to his vibration as I somehow have a sense of when he's going to contact me out of the blue

he does it in a particular way to try to create an argument and then be condescending and get a control-power boost. usually when somethings going wrong in his life. I've been savvy to it for a few years & don't rise to it, grey rock, but you should know as long as there are any ties it will keep happening.

be neutral, respond don't react!