Do you ever feel like just upping and leaving?

[Ticotico]

NC for this. I’m not going to up and leave, I can’t, but I don’t want to be identified irl.

My ASC ds12 has just slapped me round the face and kicked me in the stomach as I wanted him to stop Minecraft and have a bath. His autism diagnosis includes PDA (demand avoidance) - neither sanctions nor rewards work, you have to get him to see the value in doing something if you want him to do it. He’s getting almost as tall as me and is starting to be violent when things don’t go as he expected. I have no experience dealing with this, I don’t know what to do.

My (asd) DH has depression and is potentially suicidal. He can’t help. DH and I are in therapy as he has effectively sexually coerced me for years, though neither of us realised. Ive coped for decades with his ASD shutdowns but can’t anymore.

DS hates school, even though he couldn’t be in a better school. The last year has damaged his mental health hugely.

My DD(15) is lovely, easy going and happy but feels as if all my time and energy is spent on DS (she’s sort of right, despite me trying to actively make time for the two of us every week.)

DH doesn’t get involved in parenting at all, if anything he’ll have breakfast with DD. But he and DS don’t get on so he leaves us all to it for the rest of the day. Sometimes he watches a film with them.

I do so wish I could just get in the car, drive to a large city, rent a bed sit and just start again. But I can’t, obviously, there is no way I’d leave the children to deal with the consequences. But I really, really wish I could some days.

Anyone else feel the same?

I’ve been feeling like running away recently, the only thing stopping me is knowing my cat couldn’t live in my car with me. I know that sounds dreadful, as I have 2 children, but my mind is so frazzled that I’m only concerned about leaving my cat behind

I’m sorry you’re going through this and feeling that way.

I don’t even have kids and I often feel like that! So sorry to hear all the stress you have heaped on you OP, it sounds like there is a lot going on there and I don’t think anyone could blame you for feeling overwhelmed – you wouldn’t be human otherwise. Is there anyone else you have for support, any family close by? You sound like an absolute superwoman

I have three children and one has asd with pda profile.

Our life is awful - I am way down the rabbit hole at the moment.
Fed up of being a punchbag, fed up of her hurting everyone even though it's not her fault.
There are very dark days for me.
DH is as depressed as me and we just exist.
I do try but I feel numb.
Some respite would help but there isn't any and no family to help either.
Just realised I'm probably not cheering you up, but I just want you to know I totally get it and know where you are coming from
I hate all the autism is great posts. It bloody isn't, especially when they have vcb and pda, and they mask at school all day 🤦‍♀️
Life is tough and full on and it's like walking on eggshells al the time x big hugs from me x

This sounds so hard and I can identify with parts of what you have written.

Op you need a break. Don't ask permission. Just organise it and go. Get yourself a holiday cottage for an extended weekend if budget allows. Just do it. Maybe take your DD?

Ongoing you need outside support with your ds's violent behaviour towards you:

www.pac-uk.org/our-services/cpv/

Support groups mentioned in this article

Dear OP, you are not alone, I have been feeling like that more or less this whole last year. First Covid and working from home seriously affected my own mental health. Then DH loses his job. My two DDs mental health is totally ruined too. My MIL just died by apparent suicide. In all this I have been planning separation from my DH after 26. Yes, it does feel like when it rains it pours and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It is exhausting and suffocating and some mornings I cannot get out of my bed, some days I feel like I will get sick and die. My blood pressure is up and down, my hearts starts racing while I am laying in bed, I get horrible headaches I never used to get.

I do not really have an advice for you, not something I know will work, but I can tell you what I am doing. I started going to therapy once a week, I take yoga classes (when they are open) twice a week, I meditate once daily, I started reading bible, first time in my life, and praying every night, I go for walks whenever I can, started opening up about my problems to friends and family (I used to hide all this like a dirty secret b/c this is how I am raised), I spend unhealthy amount of time on MN sharing my experience with all these amazing women, have a beer or glass of wine every night, watch impossible amount of Netflix whenever I can, kiss and hug whoever lets me and tell my self, whenever I can that I am an amazing person, that I deserve to be loved and cared for too and that this will all be over soon and I will be able to breath again.

My thought and prayers are with you. Stay strong, it will get better and do reach out if you need support. We are here for you.