Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh has intimacy problems

26 replies

taxidriver · 14/11/2007 11:17

we don't have sex unless he hs had a drink.

always been like this. however now he can't get an erection. he wont/cant have sex.

so upset withthis lack of intimacy.

what should i do.
what would you do

always tempted to throw him out but then i would be alone and probably would not meet anyone else anyway.
he is my best friend, but that is it.
crap husband, crap father.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 14/11/2007 11:32

Talk to him.

HappyDaddy · 14/11/2007 11:34

the second part of your post, might actually help to answer your problem. You say you are only with him as you don't want to be alone. He can probably feel this from you and is understandably less than thrilled.

I went through a phase of this with my ex. I could sense her animosity so didn't want to talk to her, let alone sleep with her.

Talk to him, really talk to him. It'll help you both.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/11/2007 11:55

He can't get an erection even if he has a drink?

Is couples counselling an option?

As HD says, if you're always tempted to throw him out, and only with him because you're afraid you won't be with anyone else ... well, that's hardly confidance-inspiring and erotic is it.

madamez · 14/11/2007 13:23

Much better to be alone than with someone you don't much like. You might find if you separate from this man then you can become at least friendly co-parents to your DC: at present you're just going to end up despising and resenting each other more and more.

Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 13:48

but i tell him he is my bestfriend and when we seriously talk about splitting up i cry and tell him i love him.

i do talk to him
for 3 days in a row "can we have some "intimacy" but no,
lord knows how how children were conceived.
the timing had to be right for him,

OP posts:
Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 13:50

it is so depressing. i am always reading that sex is a vital part of a relationship.

OP posts:
SuzieSweep · 14/11/2007 14:02

I feel sorry for you however I feel a hypocrite saying that because I am the one that doesn't want it. DH is up for it anytime, anyday.

You say your DH only wants or should I say wanted it when he is/was drunk, hmm, that is weird, so now you say he can't get it up - could THIS be the reason he can't get it up if he drinks all the time, I mean, if a bloke drinks too much booze I think it is almost impossible to get it up.

Maybe you need to tell him to lay off the booze or at least cut down. and I most certainly would have asked him why he only wanted it when he was drunk, that must be a complete turnoff.

I would ask him outright what his problem is. Mine is I suffer depression and anxiety so find it hard to get in the mood. Could he be depressed taxidriver?

Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 14:06

thank you suzie.

he is so shy without a drink. a different person.

i am hoping the drink is the reason for the impotence. we have lived with his for years and years.
sohe has a fear of impotence and a shynss anyway. the drink cures theshyness but causes the impotence.

i feel so crap having to beg him, to no avail. dc out for a bit on sunday but no,
he comes home from work, bfore he touches the drink i suggest what we coudl do, but no, he woujdl prefer to drink.
and bingo,
he stays up later and later at night. avoiding me.

OP posts:
SuzieSweep · 14/11/2007 14:13

You poor thing taxi. You really need to sort this out. I have to say I was the one that would rather have a drink than sex and I think the reason for me was I suffer acute anxiety and depression and just COULDN'T get in the mood at all - I am also very shy, alcohol makes a shy person more confident and because I was anxious all the time the booze relaxed me. I use meditation as a form of relaxation instead of booze now.

I really hope someone else can come along and give you some advice.

Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 14:15

thanks,
will perhaps look later.

OP posts:
Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 14:51

be back much much later

OP posts:
madamez · 14/11/2007 14:52

Hmm, reading more it is possible that he is suffering from depression. It's also true that the more one person pushes for 'intimacy' whether it's sex or attention, the more the other person withdraws, so you need to get out of this pattern. Perhaps make a rule for yourself that you only ask for sex/attention/conversation on 3 nights a week instead of all the time?

It is also possible that he wants to split up but is kind of hoping that you will do the actual splitting - some people are lazy like this.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/11/2007 17:12

It sounds like he may have some issues around sex. There are some books by Relate on relationships, including one on sex. I've not read it, but I expect it is good.

Alternatively, some form of counselling, separately or together, might be wise.

Does he fancy other people? Does he fancy you? Does he show that he appreciates you by other means, if sex is difficult for him?

Does he masturbate?

Does he get erections when he sleeps?

Impotence can be a self-fullfilling prophecy, a man gets nervous about it, and then because he's nervous, he can't get aroused.

Impotence can also be a sign of a serious illness (e.g. diabetes), and something he should talk to his GP about, particularly if he's not getting erections while asleep.

tissy · 14/11/2007 17:14

how can he be both your best friend and a crap husband/ father?

being bad at sex doesn't make you a crap husband or father, so what else is wrong?

HappyDaddy · 14/11/2007 17:18

When I said talk to him I didn't mean "please shag me". I meant talk to him about everything, all your problems. Don't shy away from any of it.

What's the point otherwise?

Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 21:09

had anotehr "talk"
going to set dates for the "event/s"
take day off work.

he does love me, he says, Too Tired he says.

i think drink is the problem - but am sure that is going to go away.

no i believe he doesnt masturbate.

OP posts:
Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 21:11

the irony is that i got together with him cos sex was always so good, and is, with him.
but i have to instigate and get so many rejections. it is our big issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 21:13

what else is wrong? well the lack of help.
just general laziness!

OP posts:
Dixichik · 14/11/2007 21:15

There may be physical reasons why he can't rise to the occasion (blood pressure probs etc.) Or he may be depressed, if he knows you think he is a "crap father" "crap husband" he psychologically may think he is also crap in bed and that's not going to help.

Taxidriver, is the most important thing for you the sexual part of the relationship. Couples can have fulfilling and loving relationships without sexual intercourse.....

Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 21:18

well dixi, that we don't have one, seems to be important to me,
um
no we rarely do stuff together en familie, don't like that either.
having read this (MN) i know there are a lot worse, and he ignores my rants etc.,

OP posts:
Original poster
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 21:19

cos i do rant but he rarely rants back..

OP posts:
Dixichik · 14/11/2007 21:22

Your man sounds like an old man before his time. Is he really knackered all the time? Does he have a hard manual labouring job? I'm not trying to make excuses for him at all. Just trying to see if there is a reason for him not wanting to be intimate with you. I think it's usually the other way round with the woman not wanting it! Most men are eager to get their rocks off aren't they??!!!!

Dixichik · 14/11/2007 21:23

Sorry to state what may be obvious to others, but do you have any suspicions that he may be getting his rocks off elsewhere?

nosecondchild · 15/11/2007 02:05

taxidriver - we're in the same boat. Dh and I just don't have sex. It's been the same for years and like you it has (in the past) caused so many problems for us. From my experience and our issue isn't resolved by any means, by talking it through we've found a solution that works for us. All I would say you need to have a big heart to heart with your dh that isn't about demanding sex but is about understanding why this is an issue for him.

Instead of planning time for sex when the children are out sit down and really talk about why this issue is there. I suspect that if your dh takes time off work specifically to have sex he'll be unable to maintain an erection as he will feel under even more pressure to 'perform'.

If you didn't feel able to do something that everything about you described as 'important' how would you feel if your partner demanded it of you at all times? I'm not having a go, believe me I've been in the position where I've felt I've been begging and it's not good for either of you. I'm sure your dh is now expecting you to bring it up at all times, expecting him to magically get an erection and from my experience that just isn't going to happen.

You have to have an eye on your self-esteem as well. As we live in a society that demands that everybody be 'up for it' a mis-matched libido can be a relationship dealbreaker. However I would suggest that you approach things from a different angle. Instead of 'when are we going to have sex?' perhaps you should both approach this as 'how are we going to have a happy relationship?'

Unless there are deeper issues at work (and you post does suggest that) if you approach this issue as a team that both wants acheive resolution then the pressure may well ease and he can begin to get erections again. It's going to be a long process and it may well be that you agree to not even try and have sex while the underlying issues are resolved.

As others have said, first stop should be a trip to the gp to make sure there aren't any health issues. After that some councilling may help.

You both need to want it to work. It does sound from your post that you may have given up on this relationship but if you do split would you be better off? Don't let the 'sex issue' cloud your judgement on that. HTH

HappyDaddy · 15/11/2007 10:05

You say you rant at him. How do you think that will help?

So far I've read that you don't like him, rant at him and wonder why he doesn't want sex.

You still need to TALK, not SHOUT or apportion blame. See your whole marriage from both sides.