Am I being emotionally abused?

[Jayfluffybigboots]

I need some advice because I feel like I'm at the end of my tether and I can't tell if I'm over-reacting or if I'm just as bad as him.
Whenever I argue with my partner or try to have a conversation about issues within our relationship, or when he addresses something small he escalates it very quickly and I get upset and reach his level to try and get my voice heard, I love him and want to resolve issues because they are few and far between, but he discounts them and says I cry over everything straight away but I don't, it’s more the shouting that upset me, and he says I should just leave if I don't like something.
I left yesterday after what felt like such a long week, he wanted to take over cooking and shopping because I am working full time and studying part time, and on Tuesday he rang me to ask what we had for tea and I said there is easy food we can have Kiev and chips and salad, to which he replied "I'm not having chips two nights in a row that's bullshit".
Then yesterday morning, at 7.45am, he said the kitchen is a mess with all these cups everywhere, I said there is only one and and I leave the house for work at 5.45am 3 days back to back and I reuse that mug plus I don't have time to think about putting it in the sink that early. He escalated so quickly and called me a waster and a slob and just kept shouting over me when I'm trying to explain myself, and after three 13-hour shifts I started crying (which he says I always do and he doesn't take me seriously when I'm crying) and I couldn't get anymore words out and he was still shouting so out of frustration I kicked him in the shin, I know this isn't any way to act but I admittedly lost it and it hurt me more than him because I have a broken toe, but I felt so insulted and I'm really burnt out with working and studying and cooking and cleaning and he says all I do at night is sit on my phone (which is all I can really do after a thirteen hour day).

I really lost the plot and packed all my stuff and left for my mum's and the whole time I was sorting my stuff he was saying "Do you want me to say I want you to die" and just putting me down saying I'm not helping him to achieve anything when I literally don't have a spare second.

Most of the time I feel he is my best friend and we like all the same things and have a cute little dog together, but I make adjustments to make him happy and don't arrange to do things I know he won't like me doing without him, I am 100% not perfect and have made mistakes myself like coming home drunk out of control twice in our four year relationship and he never lets me forget it, and all arguments follow the same pattern and nothing really gets resolved, and it’s always tiny issues that don’t need a massive argument he could just ask nicely, and sometimes he says that’s just the way he talks to people close to him and would do with his sisters as well.

I actually feel quite relieved to be at my mum's (even though we aren't super close) and I don't really miss him, so maybe that's my answer, I just worry about the dog because he won't let me take her.

Is this verbal abuse because I'm not sure and I think I will probably leave anyway because I don't see him wanting to have a real conversation about this, he just wants to apologize and move on, and when I came back to get my laptop he was crying and said he didn’t want us to break up but this is not the first time this has happened and I told myself next time I will leave and now I have I feel confused.

Please any advice would be good, I emailed women’s aid because I get confused and words muddle on the phone sometimes but they won’t reply till after bank holiday :/

Yes I do think it's abuse and you have done the right thing by leaving

DON'T go back

Yes sounds abusive. There is also WA /Refuge 24 hrs Helpline, call them, they’re great.

You've made the right decision. No matter how unreasonable you were to kick him you can put that behind you and recover your equanimity without him.

Don't go back. Make this a clean break and new start for yourself. Nobody can live with that level of tiredness and cope with such constant negativity and niggling.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What was your parents relationship like?. I ask only as you do not mention your dad at all here.

He has more red flags here about him than are present at a Communist Party Committee Meeting. So no you have not overreacted here. Its not you, its him and he is an inadequate abusive man who will continue to drag you down into the gutter with him.

Stay at your mother's for now but look into obtaining a flatshare with other women or renting your own place asap.

Such men hate women too, all of them (his comment re his sisters are telling too). You have absolutely been in an abusive relationship with this man and you need to stay well away from him now. Block and delete him. I note too he cried; tears can be manipulative and he is not at all sorry for what he has done to you.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I am sorry about the dog but he will further use that animal against you here mainly because you like it; that is why he does not want you to care for it.

Good on you for emailing Womens Aid.

Remember too that women are not rehab centres for badly behaved men. He also used you as some sort of emotional punchbag for his own faults and failings. Get some proper therapy based help for your own self and as part of your recovery from his abuse also look at the Freedom programme online.

You sound as bad as each other. You can’t kick someone so hard that you break your toe! It sounds like you’re trying to label him as abusive to justify your abuse.

You both clearly don’t handle disagreements well and don’t communicate like adults. So you made the right decision to leave.

Thanks for your advice, I kind of knew it deep down I just needed a bit of clarification.
My dad died when I was 14 and he was a kind, genuine and loving man who was silly, I payed with us and was hardworking. My mum married a nightmare after that who was verbally abusive and manipulative but she would join in on the bullying he did to me and my sister but she’s kind of better now she left him.
I feel stupid because I should know the signs from experience but I’m a people pleaser I guess...

Yes he's so abusive he's tipped you into that cycle of retaliation. Get the dog out when he's out and start again without him.

That’s not what I said, I already have a broken toe and I was wearing flip flops when I kicked him so it hurt me considerably more due to the broken toe and I’ve never done anything like that before I was at my wits end

I am so very sorry to read about your late dad . Unfortunately for your sister and you, she then went onto marry someone abusive and manipulative (he if you think about it is probably scarily similar to this man you've been in a relationship with).

I would urge you to get therapy based help for your people pleasing behaviours, they need unlearning. Its also partly led you into being with someone like this abusive person and people pleasing if not addressed will continue to cause you real difficulties in life and relationships. People pleasing behaviours indeed sometimes arise as a response to fear associated with trauma.

Get treatment for your anxiety. People-pleasing is an unhealthy way of managing your anxiety. As you change your people-pleasing patterns, your anxiety will probably increase. I encourage you to work with a therapist or doctor.

Identify what you need and begin to ask for it.

Being assertive is not selfish.

Set boundaries so that others don’t take advantage of your kindness or inability to say “no.”

It is OK to have conflicts with others. Appropriately expressing your displeasure or disagreement is a sign of a healthy relationship and healthy self-esteem.

Practice doing things you enjoy – pursue a hobby or interest, catch up with friends.

Spend time by yourself. Once you are more independent and realize you’re OK by yourself, you will be less afraid of rejection and abandonment.

Do not stay at your mother's any longer than is absolutely necessary.
Firm up plans to move out asap.

Please leave. This isn't a healthy relationship. He's shouting at you and you're physically trying to hurt him.

Can you make plans to leave while you're at your Mums?

Bloody hell, he's awful. Do not go back or he'll trap you and gave you like this forever.

You are allowed to get drunk without it being held over your head later, and leave a teacup out, let alone the other stuff. He's a controlling bastard.

I’m not planning on staying long at mums, just to save an extra bit of money, I’ve nearly finished my course as well so I’m planning on applying for jobs abroad when that’s done and just being alone for a LONG time!!! I need to go back and get a few things I forgot but he took my keys off my car keys so I have to wait till he’s in to get my stuff.

This is 100% abuse and you don't have to put up with it. Because abusers make you so traumatised, stressed and frustrated apparently it's quite common for people to lash out and start using the abuser's tactics because you don't feel heard and don't know how to get out of the situation. I wouldn't worry about your one kicking him in the shin - sounds like he drove you to it. There are lots of resources out there - try Relate or Women's Aid to start perhaps. If you've got a safe place to stay suggest you stay there while you process all of this. Therapy would also be a good idea. Good luck.

Thanks everyone, helping me to process and reassess what’s been happening for the past few years