Can anyone help me sort this out in my head?

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DH is dying, a matter of months according to the oncologist.

I'm devastated for my DC, far too young to lose their dad and I'm very worried about how losing their father will impact their future, but for myself, I find I'm making plans (in my head) and quite looking forward to my new life.

DH is a good man and a lovely father but our marriage has been no better than "OK" for a while. We get on as friends, we parent well together, but it's been a long time since I felt we were soul mates iyswim. There have been times when I've almost wished things were worse, so I could leave without being the villain who broke up a perfectly nice family for no real reason, but mostly I've been content enough, if a bit bored.

I've certainly never wished him dead, but (and I'd never admit this to anyone) it does feel like I've been given an opportunity for a fresh start. I'm doing everything needed to care for him and am glad to do it for the father of my children, but I don't feel devastated to be losing him myself. His death so young is very sad of course, but sad in the way it is when you hear of anyone who died too young.

Is this normal? Am I just protecting myself from unimaginable grief that's to come? How do I protect my (teenage) children from thinking/seeing that their mother is moving on already?

I don't mean moving on in terms of another relationship. I'm not even sure I'd want one anyway, but I'm quite happy at the prospect of being single. I'm sure there will be time when I miss him, but atm the only times I feel overcome are when I think about the impact on DC.

I realise this makes me sound awful and I don't want to be.

I was in a similar position to your children when I was 14, my parents split whilst my dad had cancer just going through getting a diagnosis I think (this was all very well hidden from me, even the fact he was terminal was but that’s another story). My mum moved on rather swiftly which of course I felt very angry about for a while but I knew their relationship was more of a friendship, they didn’t even sleep in the same bed so it came as no surprise really. My mum was still there for my dad, visited him once he’d moved out, took care of him by cooking him meals, Liaising with Macmillan nurses, his other family etc. She probably felt very similar to you and I don’t mind. She’s entitled to feel that way, I love(d) my dad with all my heart, he was wonderful & the best dad I could’ve wished for but their relationship had run it’s course it’s as simple as that. Some people may tell you you’re harsh, wrong, whatever else but you can’t help how you feel. It may well be that you’re protecting yourself & when he does die the grief will be immense, you’ve had children with this man, you’ve lived a life with him and it’s ended..but even if the grief isn’t all that much, that’s fine too. You cannot help how you feel and that’s that.

Tbh I don’t know if I’d characterise someone’s death as my ‘fresh start’. Obviously it’s a new chapter but to be looking forward to it feels kinda dark.

But maybe once he’s gone you’ll feel differently. This might be a defence mechanism to block out the grief to come, as you said.

@autumnalrain

Tbh I don’t know if I’d characterise someone’s death as my ‘fresh start’. Obviously it’s a new chapter but to be looking forward to it feels kinda dark.

Well yes, I realise that, that's why my head needs "sorting out"

I suspect there's an element of trying to persuade myself it's not going to be as awful as it is.

I think this is partly you being rational and pragmatic and it's a natural defence mechanism because the situation is so awful and beyond your control. Don't feel bad about it. You just need to do whatever you can to get you and the children through this time.

I think its partly self protection. People deal with things in different ways and that is ok.

My mum was still there for my dad, visited him once he’d moved out, took care of him by cooking him meals, Liaising with Macmillan nurses, his other family etc. She probably felt very similar to you and I don’t mind.

What are your thoughts on this op? My auntie did the same for her EXDH. They hadn't been in love for years but she helped and supported him until he passed. For her children, and because she still had love for him.

I think you're underestimating how hard this is going to hit you - personally, not just on behalf of your children.

@messybun101

My mum was still there for my dad, visited him once he’d moved out, took care of him by cooking him meals, Liaising with Macmillan nurses, his other family etc. She probably felt very similar to you and I don’t mind.

What are your thoughts on this op? My auntie did the same for her EXDH. They hadn't been in love for years but she helped and supported him until he passed. For her children, and because she still had love for him.

What do you mean by thoughts? As I said, that's exactly what I am doing. I've been a fierce advocate for him in dealing with the medical profession during Covid and am doing everything relating to his personal care at home.

In response to is this normal - I'm not sure there is a "normal" in this kind of situation. Everyone reacts differently to grief and loss. Grief doesn't start the moment a person passes away in a terminal illness situation, in my experience grief starts the moment you hear the prognosis and understand that it is terminal.

You start the grieving process long before someone goes, although you might not realise it at the time. Survival mode kicks in and you do what you have to do to get yourself and everyone else through it. And from experience, sometimes the end is actually a blessing and a relief from many months of stress and pain watching someone suffer.

It's possible you in some kind of self-preservation, denial about what is happening, or it's possible that you're fully aware that you've been feeling a little distant for some time and you know that you'll be okay on your own. Either way, it's very possible that overtime your feelings will change. The different stages of grief are well documented, they're not a linear process - you can experience all of them on the same day and continually flip flop between them all, even years afterwards.

Personally I don't think you should stress about how you feel at the moment and whether you are feeling what you think you should be, or what is socially acceptable, or even expected of you. I don't think you should judge yourself for how you feel - just accept it as - this is how I feel today and that's perfectly okay.

But do be prepared that your feelings may change quite dramatically and frequently and line up as much support as possible to help you when it's needed.

Thanks all, I think it's true I started my grieving process months ago. Although he's still with us he hasn't been my husband for a year, we haven't been able to do anything together or leave the house together for months and he spent 3 months in hospital with no visitors (covid) so it was almost like he'd already gone.

DC otoh, I don't think have accepted it at all, they seem to be carrying on as normal and I think it will come a a terrible shock to them when it does eventually happen.

I also think you are underestimating the enormity of the grief that you’ll feel. I guess you just have to focus on supporting your DCs. Awful situation for you

I haven't been through what you have so I'm not sure I'm one to offer any advice at all. You don't sound awful. Like a PP said you might find yourself a bit more emotional / less pragmatic on your own behalf after he dies, but for the moment concerning yourself with the (presumably many) practicalities and thinking about what your sons need/what resources you can put in place for them, seems a good plan.

Sometimes serious illness affects a person's personality and their interactions with others. It's possible this has happened to your DH and that's why you feel as you do. Relationships change and evolve though - having children changes things and naturally impacts on the relationship you had as a couple.