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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I 'fess up? Faking in a new relationship

19 replies

MoirasWigStand · 01/05/2021 11:16

I've name changed, but I've had so much help from this board.

I'm divorced and have started dating. Had some fun, some hideous dates etc. I'm currently dating one guy who is lovely. The sex has been good, but I have a long standing issue since (and including) my ex of orgasming with someone else. I have not problem on my own (although I used a vibrator), but with someone else I just can't.

I never used to have this problem before my ex-husband, but he was sexually abusive, including saying some really awful and degrading things about me.

So even though new guy did all the right things, touching, kissing, oral sex I couldn't, but I faked it. I'm so cross with myself as I said I'd never do that. But I feel so self conscious and bad they he was trying so hard and I just couldn't.

It's only happened once. I'm seeing him again tomorrow. Do I 'fess up and tell him and why and just ask for some time and patience? Or keep quiet but not fake anymore? Arggghh. I hate my ex for this.

OP posts:

BrimfulOfBaba · 01/05/2021 11:39

I think it would be best to just not mention it as it will make things needlessly awkward. Needlessly because hopefully you won't fake it again! Just respond naturally.

An orgasm doesn't always have to be the endgame of good sex, although it would be good for him to try and learn what will feel best for you. He can't do that if he thinks he's already doing it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/05/2021 11:40

Ask him to use your vibrator if you know that works for you?

Original poster

MoirasWigStand · 01/05/2021 11:53

Thanks. I don't want to make it awkward. I'm happy to use a vibrator with him, but what I really want is my ability to orgasm with someone else to come back. But that's a separate thing for me to work on I suppose.

OP posts:

Dogfan · 01/05/2021 12:05

I would come clean. How will things get better if you can't be honest with him? Explain you have this issue, it's nothing to do with him, and ask him to be patient while you work through the issue. It's not sensible to hide something like this so early on I'm a relationship and how will it ever get better if he doesn't understand? You not faking and not orgasming will just then be confusing for him - what has he done wrong this time!? Definitely use the vibrator with him while you work through this. He'll probably find it quite sexy anyway!

PriestessofPing · 01/05/2021 12:26

It’s not a separate thing to work on if you’re now with someone you feel comfy enough to have sex with. I think you should tell him and agree with him that orgasms are off the table for now, that it isn’t anything he is doing wrong. Take the pressure off so you can just learn to enjoy the physical intimacy again. If he’s a good man he will understand.

Onthedunes · 01/05/2021 13:19

Honesty is the only way, that way you will be able to relax.
Until you are fully relaxed you will have problems.

Time will help, get to know him, trust will build and hopefully things will improve naturally.

Good luck.

Imjustsootired · 01/05/2021 14:30

I wouldn't tell him you faked it! For whatever reason you give, that is not likely to sit well

Going forward though, dont fake it again.... talk to him, take your time.... you are putting so much focus on being able to orgasm that you're probably blocking the natural response with your anxiety for it to happen xx

DrinkRefilled · 01/05/2021 14:58

I would absolutely NOT say anything.
It’s just going to be a big dampener on the new relationship.
He may run a mile. It’s not a nice thing to hear.
Many people fake it so just enjoy the fact you’ve found a nice man

Original poster

MoirasWigStand · 01/05/2021 15:13

But if I don't tell him isn't he going to wonder why it happened that time and never again?

If I told him, I'd tell him the reason. I like the idea of saying orgasms are off the table and just enjoy and see what happens.

I'm so cross with myself of faking it.

OP posts:

Strawberrysaxifrage · 02/05/2021 15:59

Don't say you faked it. Instead, focus on moving on and being honest going forward with a view to you getting more relaxed and working towards finding out what you need. When you don't orgasm next time, you could tell him the real reason it's not likely to happen again for a while and that you don't want to focus on orgasms, rather on getting comfortable with him but I wouldn't say you had pretended last time. I understand feeling under pressure but it isn't likely to feel good for him. Sorry to hear about your last relationship xx

Notjustabrunette · 02/05/2021 16:14

Have you thought about therapy? It sounds like your issue is psychological rather than physical.

Original poster

MoirasWigStand · 02/05/2021 16:20

I have thought about therapy, it definitely is psychological as I can orgasm on my own no problem. It is also particularly linked to oral sex because of stuff my ex said.

OP posts:

Otter71 · 04/05/2021 08:41

I have been there where I could only orgasm DIY. After being raped at 16 as my first experience and I went into a shameful run of short relationship s seeking something good. I had 20 years and 2 kids with a man I initially thought was great but once we had our kids turned controlling and cared about my orgasm as some sort of validation of his manhood and therefore lack of it caused all his problems Whether I consented to sex or even was awake was irrelevant to him.
Fast forward. I have been with a lovely guy 2 years. He accepts my lack of orgasms from sex but has gently taken an interest in our having orgasms separately but apart.
Personally I would tell him how the orgasm shocked you completely as you haven't done that since 1989 or whatever and use it to let him in a bit to what is normal for @moiraswigstand. If he really is a nice guy he will want to help. If he runs a mile at least you found out sooner...

Meowchickameowmeow · 04/05/2021 09:36

I wouldn't tell him you faked it but going forward you should be honest and talk to him about what you like and what it takes for you to orgasm.

Josuk · 04/05/2021 10:03

Many women have difficulties orgasming with a partner. I am sure he has come across that before, so it’s not as big an issue to tell him.
I have always told all my partners that it takes me a while to orgasm with someone new. And I still need to ‘help it along’ myself.

Unless you want to continue faking and never be able to fully relax - you need to come clean about how it is.
Don’t need to say you faked the first time around. But just don’t again. And after some time - it’ll come up in conversation and you can explain.
Any normal man should be Ok with that.

Sunflower1970 · 06/05/2021 00:02

Don’t tell him he won’t trust you anymore. Just take your time and if it doesn’t happen next time just keep working on it. It’ll be fine x

JemimaJoy · 06/05/2021 04:10

Don't tell him! 😲 He'll be mortified! Poor guy.

gannett · 06/05/2021 08:37

I would be honest.

Don't jump straight into "hey that other night... I faked it" out of nowhere. Open up to him. Tell him about your bastard ex and what his abuse did to you.

A good man will understand this.

He might ask about the other night, and I think you should fess up if so. Tell him what he needs to feel reassured about his performance, how he did all the right things, and you regret faking it - ie, the truth.

Again, a good man will understand, even if his pride is a little hurt - you'll find out a lot about his character this way.

But the important thing is that a good relationship HAS to be built on honesty, it's the crucial thing.

It's also the crucial thing to building up the trust in a sexual relationship that will be the first step to getting your orgasms back...

cosmicbabe · 06/05/2021 16:42

So when I met my partner I had never Orgasmed with my Ex and it became a thing I just thought happened. I used to fake and that was that. However I then found it hard to change this pattern with my current partner so I came clean (excuse the pun) and told him I had faked. He then asked if I had ever had an orgasm with him and I actually had but he didn't really believe me and then it became a 'thing' and still is. He is fantastic in bed and will take his time and try anything but because I know he's trying hard it makes it even harder to Orgasm.

So in short what I'm trying to say is don't tell him yet and just relax and get there yourself with him.
Good luck x

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