My husband can not see his own behaviour

billy1966 · 01/05/2021 09:01

Well done for leaving him.

Don't hesitate to say what a nasty piece of work he actually is and how glad you are to have left him.

Good luck

LIZS · 01/05/2021 09:05

I think you may be surprised how others really view him, his behaviour towards you is unlikely to have gone unnoticed. Leave and don't look back.

Original poster

Signsoffive · 01/05/2021 09:15

My own friends and family have certainly noticed. His family are delusional and seem to be the cause of this "no matter what I do or neglect in my life, I'm still fantastic" point of view. I don't think he's ever been called out for being wrong, selfish in his whole life until he married me.

I refuse to keep my mouth shut anymore and I will be calling his behaviour out for exactly what it is.

My own mother has previously called my adult brother out when he's behaved selfishly and not put his family first. I think his family have completely let him down by allowing him to behave as he wishes, going back to their house when things don't go his way, without a word from them, no questions asked. There seems to be a fear of upsetting him amongst those who know him, whilst I'm very clearly upset. I'm furious.

OP posts:

PussGirl · 01/05/2021 09:42

When my marriage was in its death throes, STBXH moaned to his mother that I was "being nasty to him" & she had a real go at me - I told her a few home truths & she said "well he's always been difficult" - yes because you let him get away with it!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2021 09:48

Glad to read that you are leaving him.

He's a "street angel house devil" character like practically all abusers are. They can often too be quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that one or two people you know have their own private based suspicions about him.

Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you. He feels absolutely entitled to behave towards you like he has done and feels he has done nothing wrong here. I would also think that both his parents behave the self same too (infact you have made comments to this end re his family) so this is deeply ingrained within him.

Abuse like you've described takes a long time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery will only properly start when you are fully apart from him. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme online as a part of your ongoing recovery from his abuse.

Fireflygal · 01/05/2021 09:54

But he won't accept that this is how HE has behaved

This could be gas lighting. What are examples of his selfish behaviour?

I really wouldn't waste time and energy telling him you think his behaviour is wrong. If he refuses to get it now then he will be less likely to get it post separation.
Indulging behaviour by his parents can lead to this so it will be deeply ingrained. Is he unkind or selfish to others or just you?

mrsm43s · 01/05/2021 09:57

Tbh, if my DH wrote down a list of my perceived wrongdoings (from his point of view, of course) and the presented them to me, I would consider that he was sabotaging my wellbeing and confidence. I would consider it abusive tbh, and it seems like a tactic entirely designed to belittle and gaslight. It's not a healthy way to deal with things.

If you have an issue with his behaviour, you need to deal with it there and then. If you repeatedly don't like his behaviour, then leave. He may well be the biggest arsehole of all time, but making lists of what you don't like about him and presenting them to him is not the way to deal with with this. How would you like it if he wrote down everything that he felt you did wrong (from his POV, of course) and presented it to you?

Leafy12 · 01/05/2021 10:54

Just leave then. Stop making lists, stop discussing with family members, stop justifying it. The relationship hasn't worked, he has been horrible, you haven't been perfect either, so clear up any loose ends and walk away. If that all sounds too difficult then go to a therapist and work through the legacy of the relationship and how you ended up in it. No one needs to agree with you, just walk away.

Bananalanacake · 01/05/2021 11:09

Well done on leaving him, your life will be much happier.

Dogfan · 01/05/2021 12:11

He sounds like a classic narcissist. I got so frustrated with my ex not accepting he had behaved badly but now have let it go. Narcissists can't accept that they are anything less than perfect and make everything someone else's fault. The psychology is really interesting. I would suggest following Caroline Strawson and Melanie Tonia Evans for insights!

messybun101 · 01/05/2021 12:26

Just leave then. Stop making lists, stop discussing with family members, stop justifying it. The relationship hasn't worked, he has been horrible, you haven't been perfect either, so clear up any loose ends and walk away. If that all sounds too difficult then go to a therapist and work through the legacy of the relationship and how you ended up in it. No one needs to agree with you, just walk away.

*^ THIS!
*
It's done, you know why you're leaving. He's been told (whether he believes differently or not) and his family are delusional anyway so no explanation will suffice (it's not for you to announce to them anyway leave it to him) and your family have watched clearly themselves so they support you. It's over, just be done.
**

Spiceyornicey · 01/05/2021 12:28

Don’t dwell on this.
Just leave

lanbro · 01/05/2021 12:32

I used to put things down in words for my xh to try and understand how I felt about his treatment of me, it never worked.

I left, and now, if he ever tries his shit on me I tell him it's not acceptable and walk away. You can't make them see, they will never accept blame, for your own sanity don't even attempt it

16purplecolour16 · 01/05/2021 12:34

My DD is selfish and throws a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way. She’s 22 now and no way did we let her get away with it. Now reconciled to this is who she is. Love her to bits but I keep a distance now.

Templetreebalm · 01/05/2021 12:39

@Signsoffive

My husband is considered to be a lovely man overall by others, but at home, he's a selfish shit.

If his friends or other acquaintances behaved as he did, he'd be quick to judge and point out their behaviour, but when it's him, he can't see it from an outside perspective at all.

I've had it with his shitty behaviour and I'm leaving him. But why, oh why can't he see his own behaviour? When I have written down what I perceive he has done or ways he's made me feel he says "the way you tell it makes me sound like a nasty piece of work." But he won't accept that this is how HE has behaved. He then accuses me of sabotaging his wellbeing and confidence for writing it down and making him read it.

Well yes. Yes, that is the way your behaviour comes across to me!! But he won't accept it and says that my perceptions are the problem.

What the heck?!

If hes lying to himself then he is not going to be truthful to you. Drop the rope Protect yourself and minimise interaction with him.

billy1966 · 01/05/2021 15:13

@16purplecolour16

My DD is selfish and throws a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way. She’s 22 now and no way did we let her get away with it. Now reconciled to this is who she is. Love her to bits but I keep a distance now.

That must be painful but you are wise.

Tantrums from adults is such a bad look and accepting you can't reason with some people and just step away is really wise.

Onthedunes · 01/05/2021 15:32

You tried.

You can't reason with the unreasonable, now no more searching for answers you know you won't get them. He's very selfish, he knows this and thinks he deseves this. You won't change that dynamic.

It really is pointless communicating with him, theres so much wrong with him it would take forever, if never to sort out his self entitled ways.

He's a lost cause.

16purplecolour16 · 01/05/2021 20:22

@billy1966 was expecting a roasting on my parental shortcomings

loveyourself2020 · 01/05/2021 21:14

Dear OP that is exactly what happened to me. When I finally talked to my DH last year about how I feel about our relationship his response was:" You make me look like I am abusing you". I looked at him and said, yes, exactly, I feel abused. He was shocked. You see when you say "abuse" people think punching and kicking, but emotional abuse can be as damaging as a physical one and the scars may be even deeper.

When I recently told him I want a divorce, he told me he thinks I am giving up easily, that I am not giving our marriage a chance. We have been together 26 years and I think that is long enough time to give something a chance. If he did not straighten up in all this time, he never will. And you know what I am done talking and explaining, trying and compromising. My position right now is this, I am not happy with this marriage and I want out. I do not have to explain anybody anything.

Good for you for leaving this selfish sob. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster

Signsoffive · 02/05/2021 09:56

"I am done talking and explaining, trying and compromising"

I feel like this too @loveyourself2020

Goodluck 💐

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