Feeling sad

[Okapi3]

Dh and I have been together for 28 years, since we were both 19. We were both big drinkers back in the day kindred spirits. We eventually tied the knot after 10 years and then the kids came along and I gradually adjusted to behaving like a grown up, cutting out most socialising like most mums.
Dh never changed.
Now in our late 40's he is still drinking a minimum 60 units weekly, probably much more as I know they've been have sneaky ones in the office during lockdown.
I did Dry Jan and then gave up again at Easter. I drank daily but only 1 glass of wine.
I am loving sobriety, but have a new found clarity about my husband- I don't love him any more and feel like we've gradually become incompatible.
It's not his fault- I'm the one who's changed.
I'm also tired of doing all the housework and childcare as we both work full time. His freetime is spent drinking. I don't seem to have any free time actually.
I feel like I can't destroy his life by telling him. It's not his fault .
Just wondered if anyone can relate? I don't expect anyone to have a solution to this. Seems like a no-win. I'm the kind of person that can't bear to upset people.

That's tough. I'm not the best to give advice but sounds like the common alcohol abuse kept you together (not the best for the kids).
My ex drinks heavily and it takes its toll (even if it is well hidden). Note the word ex. I felt quite a big relief when we split up after 20 years. Lots and lots of sadness, but there was that when we were married too.
Good luck, sorry you are feeling so down.

So you both work yet you do everything else too as he has drunk too much to care ?

Before you throw in the towel, do you think approaching him about his drinking and wanting more 50/50 will change things?

Thanks
He thinks everyone drinks loads and therefore he's normal. I stopped getting drunk at my first pregnancy 15 years ago and never went back to being a binge drinker. His family are all big drinkers and he was brought up to think drinking heaps is normal.
He has not had a single day off this year - I've been watching!
He is very functional with it when it comes to his job. But he can't see the point of life without a beer.

Pumpkin, he doesn't have a clue what needs to be done as I have always done everything re cleaning house admin bills garden you name it. I'm like his mum. In the beginning it didn't seem to matter with just 2 of us in a 1 bed flat. Now 5 people in a big house and I'm tired.
If I ask him to help we have that typical row that my standards are too high and I am too critical. He is better at words than me so I always lose arguments so I just try to avoid starting them. One example - I asked if he could fold the clean washing after he'd taken if off the line (he took it off as it was in the way of his practice goal but shoved all crumpled in the basket). So he now holds that up as the golden example of why he can't help.

Autumn, no he tells me to get off my high horse if I mention it.

One example - I asked if he could fold the clean washing after he'd taken if off the line (he took it off as it was in the way of his practice goal but shoved all crumpled in the basket). So he now holds that up as the golden example of why he can't help.

Uhh... no... That's a golden example of an occasion where he could have adapted and learned and then applied that new knowledge in future scenarios.

I agree with PPs that you have to give someone a chance to change if you feel they are letting you down. But if you give them a chance and they resist, then there's nothing you can do - in a way, they're as much the ones rejecting the relationship as they're not willing to put the work in to maintain it.

@Okapi3

Autumn, no he tells me to get off my high horse if I mention it.

So he's useless and doesn't even want to try. I'd get rid of him and tell him exactly why, because it is his fault.

My ex was a heavy drinker, he blamed it on the death of his father. He carried on drinking for 5years after his death, i did everything too, working , having 2 children and all the other house stuff .
I didn't drink as he was usually over the limit just incase anything happened to the kids .
He did slow down after a health scare but I was always called a nag and a killjoy for trying to get him to cut back
I left after 23 years as I didn't like the person he became.

Sunflower oh I would definitely 'get rid of him' if it was that easy! But we've spent our whole adult lives together and the thought of trying to disentangle fries my brain. He is happy, the kids are happy. I am not happy, but breaking up would surely bring heartbreak to so many.
I wish he would find someone else but he had been faithful (me too) all this time.
Is it more selfish to carry on living a lie or to ruin his life?

Starbonnet - he drinks do much daily that it appears to have no effect on him. (I would be unconscious lol). He only gets well and truly wan*ered when out with colleagues etc but that would be every week pre covid. His parents are in their late 70s and pi$$ed as farts every day but they are apparently healthy and living life to the full. I am sure he thinks that's proof that he is not damaging his health, and he's fit and active and not overweight.

He thinks the recommended drinking limits are ridiculous 🙄.

Sorry, feel like I'm rambling.

I think it is his fault. He needed to grow up at the same time as you as he became a parent too. He is an alcoholic..a functioning one. He is taking no responsibility in the home. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation and that's what he is doing when he turns the whole chore thing around on you. I can't believe the lazy sod doesn't even do the garden. What does he think you are..his slave!
He doesn't help you at all even though you work too outside the home.
He is a bad husband/ father as his example to the children is horrendous. Since he doesn't help you they will see no need to help you now. Could you contact Alanon or go online with them? OR Book counselling for yourself.
I often say this but remember with an alcoholic
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
But you do have to look after yourself. So make this a priority now.
Not to talk of the family money he is wasting on booze.

@junebirthdaygirl

I think it is his fault. He needed to grow up at the same time as you as he became a parent too. He is an alcoholic..a functioning one. He is taking no responsibility in the home. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation and that's what he is doing when he turns the whole chore thing around on you. I can't believe the lazy sod doesn't even do the garden. What does he think you are..his slave! He doesn't help you at all even though you work too outside the home. He is a bad husband/ father as his example to the children is horrendous. Since he doesn't help you they will see no need to help you now. Could you contact Alanon or go online with them? OR Book counselling for yourself. I often say this but remember with an alcoholic You didn't cause it You can't control it You can't cure it But you do have to look after yourself. So make this a priority now. Not to talk of the family money he is wasting on booze.

Yes he is totally at fault I agree. I am glad I started writing this thread as it's helping me to sort out some things in my head.

These are facts:
He is a functioning alcoholic. He is no help around the house and sets a bad example for the kids. He spends too much on booze. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.
He has always been like this.

These are also facts:
He is, in other respects, a nice bloke. He is funny and clever and popular. The kids adore him and he is certainly useful for two things at least - he is a good driver (holidays and visits, otherwise I do most local trips) and cooks me dinner about 4 days a week (he likes cooking, so that's why he will do that).

I could try to get him to give up drinking and to do 50% of the house stuff. I doubt I would get anywhere, but the point is, even if he changed overnight, I just don't love him anymore.

I don't think I'd love him any more if he changed, so I don't really want him to change. He has a right to be who he wants to be. I just want to magic him away.

The irony is when (pre-covid, but I expect this will return) he was out several nights a week it was a bit of a relief. Evenings to myself, go to sleep before he gets home. He will leave early for work next morning (he doesn't drive to work). Kind of perfect as I basically don't see him.

I can't really try to force into major lifestyle changes unless I knew deep down they would save our marriage. I think if I gave him some sort of ultimatum he would change. But I still wouldn't love him, and he would certainly hold me responsible for destroying all his fun. He would be miserable the whole time. What would be the point?

I can see writing this that we are doomed. I guess I just don't have the guts to do anything about it :(

I wish I had done something earlier.
I remember after our first was born, sometimes bumping into his drinking buddies in town. They would always say things like I am the "perfect wife" because I never demanded that he stay home and help with the baby, but let him go out all the time and get drunk. It was a genuine compliment from them.
I remember feeling a bit shocked at that, especially when it happened more than once, same sort of comment from different people. I felt pretty confused I have to say.
Actually it had never occured to me to tell him he couldn't go out. I didn't see myself as his boss. I supposed I was just thinking he might want to come home "automatically", but we didn't have any friends with babies and I didn't have anyone to compare with, so ended up thinking it must all be normal. Of course he would rather be anywhere than home with a baby.
If only I had a time machine.

Well it would be no harm for him to change for his children's sake. Could you bring up a test for alcoholism online and tell him to take it so he might see his children are being reared in the house of an alcoholic