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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else fall for unsuitable men? How do I break this cycle?

20 replies

losermagnet · 13/11/2007 23:30

When I say unsuitable, I mean not the kind of person who has attributes that will make them a good partner. I seem to fall for men who are socially inept and who are not particularly nice people, are quite cold, not very friendly etc. I don't understand why I do this! But I have done it a number of times and I see a pattern emerging. And I know this is my problem. The last relationship I had was with a man who I really wanted to be with, but I spent the first 6 months crying on and off because he kept blowing hot and cold with me. Eventually he seemed to change into a warm person and everyone said to me "What did you do, he's totally changed" He did seem to have changed, but it took a lot of my energy to somehow make him feel things and stop being so numb. At the end of it, he had fallen in love with me but I was exhausted.

Now I have fallen for another similar man who also seems cold. He is in his 30s but has never had a girlfriend (yes, alarms are ringing!!) I know objectively that I won't be happy with him, that if I had a relationship with him it would go nowhere. It's not even that he's good looking and we have zero shared interests, but I can't leave him alone (by which I mean cut him off)

Is anyone else like this? How do I cut contact with him and get over it? There is no way I want to be with him but I still can't help thinking "oh I could make him better/happy" I know that is really pathetic and presumptuous of me.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/11/2007 07:17

Hi,

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what did your parents teach you?.

Why do you feel such a need to rescue and save these men who are patently unsuitable for you?. Why do you keep making bad relationship choices?. These issues need addressing.

I would suggest you talk with a counsellor about all these issues; you need to unlearn these damaging patterns. If you don't address exactly why you are doing this you may be still repeating these patterns in ten years time. And I don't think you want that at all, a good thing is that you realise you have a problem.

Be strong and tell this current man directly that its not working out and end it now.

warthog · 14/11/2007 07:23

may be way off base here, but is this about saving him or looking for approval for yourself? do you chase men who are so clearly not interested, and then when you get them you don't want them anymore? fear of intimacy? i think it's no co-incidence that you got out of your previous relationship when you achieved your aim.

Columbia · 14/11/2007 07:41

Was your dad like them at all?

bearsmom · 14/11/2007 08:04

I agree with Attila and Columbia that this could be learned behaviour from parents. Until I was in my early thirties I was always drawn to men who were obviously bad for me - emotionally distant and cold, never totally committed to me, me always doing the running - and this is exactly what my father is like.

One of the reasons I'm sure this is to do with my father is that it's not just me, my sister does exactly the same, and sadly hasn't yet managed to break the pattern. If you want to break this cycle I think you need to make a determined effort to avoid the men you feel instinctively attracted to for a while and start analysing why you find particular men attractive and whether they are going to be good for you. When I realised the relationship pattern I was following I decided to consciously look for someone who was kind and considered my needs as well as his own, and I now have a lovely dh who I've been with for 6 years. Having a relationship where you are "rescuing" someone isn't the right dynamic to establish so if I were you I'd ditch the current guy, he sounds like he'll be bad for you.

Original poster

losermagnet · 14/11/2007 12:04

My parents have always had a very one sided relationship - my father is very needy (he has always had mental health problems) and my mother has always had to be the "strong" one, picking up all the pieces every time he crumbles.

At university I had a lot of very nice men who were interested in me and who objectively seemed like really good relationship material, but I was never attracted to any of them.

A lot of what you all say rings true. I'm still in my 20s so perhaps there is time for me to unlearn my behaviour?

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staryeyed · 14/11/2007 12:18

I read a very interesting book about why we chose the men we do. Its something to do with the role we are given in our childhood- eg the responsible one, the caregiver, abandoned. The theory is the pattern we learn is carried over to our adult relationships and we look for people who will let us continue our role. Eg if we were abandoned we will fall in love with someone who will abandon us.

To break the cycle it says we should acknowledge the problem, then get some therapy or work your issues through and then realise the warning signs with the men you pick up- are they often too busy to talk, do you make excuses for them etc. The key is supposed to be realising those signs are there and realising that they are actually the attributes attracting you to the wring kind of people. Until you work through your childhood issues you wont break the cycle and give good men a chance.

Its just a theory but makes a lot of sense.

nappyaddict · 14/11/2007 12:32

I am exactly the same . Always fall for the bad boy, the players, the ones that seem in love with you one minute, and don't care the next.

Thing is when falling for these men i've always known they were like that. Then I met my ex and he seemed completely different - the nicest, loveliest, most genuine person ever and I thought it was a turning point. No ... he ended up doing the seeming as thought he was totally into me and then deciding oh no ... he doesn't want a relationship. arghhhhhhhh.

so basically no advice but you're not alone.

nappyaddict · 14/11/2007 12:34

Oh and I think I always felt a bit abandoned. My dad left when I was a baby and I've never been close with him and me and my mum have a somewhat stormy relationship and also aren't particularly close, whereas my sister is close with both. (she is older so grew up for sometime with them as a couple) i do however have a fantastic SF who i love to bits but that thing about being abandoned might have some relevance. I think because I never felt overly loved by my parents I get into these relationships far too deeply and quickly, expecting the world and then get let down.

Original poster

losermagnet · 14/11/2007 12:37

I completely agree. I always felt rejected by my dad. He was totally wrapped up in himself and would be in bed when my mum was at work and he was supposed to be looking after me. I wouldn't say I go after men who are not interested in me, but I do go after men who are interested but have no idea how to treat anyone with kindness and respect iyswim.

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Original poster

losermagnet · 14/11/2007 12:37

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Original poster

losermagnet · 14/11/2007 12:37

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Original poster

losermagnet · 14/11/2007 12:37

oops!

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bearsmom · 14/11/2007 13:24

There's definitely time to unlearn your behaviour. Perhaps this relationship is your tipping point, the one that makes you realise you need to do things differently in future? I had one of those in my early thirties, which was worse than all the other negative relationships I'd put myself into because in this one I went to stay with the guy having not known him all that long and ended up feeling like I was physically in danger. In the end nothing bad happened, but I got out of there sharpish and, having scared myself so much with my own stupidity, realised I had to change things. Like you I had plenty of really nice guys interested in me in my twenties and, to my shame, I thought they were boring. I didn't have therapy or anything, just stepped back and avoided the men I was instinctively attracted to and looked for something different. And lo and behold I ended up with a kind man, who turned out not to be boring at all!

Original poster

losermagnet · 14/11/2007 14:29

LOL bearsmom - I thought the nice men were boring too! I am not in a relationship with this person, but I can see the familiar pattern already! I need to do something about it. I remember with the last relationship thinking that surely at the beginning things should be good and I should have felt happy? The man in question used to tell me how happy he was, then announce 2 days later that he could only see me til the next week because he was getting too attached! I also tend to go for guys who have no ambition, even though I'm not like that myself.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/11/2007 14:37

Losermagnet,

Your comment below is very interesting:-

"My parents have always had a very one sided relationship - my father is very needy (he has always had mental health problems) and my mother has always had to be the "strong" one, picking up all the pieces every time he crumbles".

You are copying what your Mother did. Both your parents taught you damaging relationship patterns. You can unlearn these but you will need to have counselling. Are you willing to do this for your own self?. You can change things, its never too late to unlearn such patterns of behaviour. You're part way through the process by acknowledging the problem.

BACP has a list of counsellors - I would look at their website.

You do not have to forever see yourself as a "losermagnet".

darlink · 14/11/2007 14:43

am why did it end with the one who did fall in love with you and was a changed man?

staryeyed · 14/11/2007 16:25

Also a famous Dr Phil saying "you teach people how to treat you" This is so true. If you let someone treat you like c##p they probably will its human nature.

Dont allow the bad behaviour right from the start and if your man doesn't follow that they got to know that you will get rid if they dont treat you right, and that you can cope fine as a single woman. If a guy picks up on the fact that you need him/ think the world of him and couldn't live without out him he may take advantage knowing that you'd rather take it than be single.

Original poster

losermagnet · 15/11/2007 13:22

The changed man is the father of my children. Our relationship went wrong when he became possessive and suspicious of me last year for no reason. He wants me back now and I am trying to decide whether we should try to overcome problems or whether I should move on. The other man is someone who would never make me happy. I know I have to forget him but it's hard. I also know that I need to train myself to be attracted to nicer men.

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Original poster

losermagnet · 15/11/2007 13:23

Thanks btw, your thoughts are helpful

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missboohoo · 15/11/2007 14:37

I can identify completely with this thread. Although my parents were stable and loving and have been together for 40 years, I always go for 'wrong' men - seemingly those with addiction problems, mental health issues, and who are psycholocically abusive and/or blow hot or cold. So, I have no excuse for putting myself through this rubbish!

I have a beautiful child with one such guy and am having another baby (with the same father)in Feb. Although I kind of walked into this scenario with open eyes, it doesn't stop it hurting when they demonstrate - time and time again - how little they care about you. And then use you as a convenience (in this case, as an unpaid bed and breakfast establishment). And then they let down their own child by reneging on agreed childcare every time there is a row.

Tis most crap and upsetting (especially when all you want is a 'stable' family life, of sorts) and I can't imagine ever finding a decent chap - especaially now that I'm 28 weeks pregnant.

Perhaps we really are better off without them...

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