Anyone else feel so sad after separation that their life is not what they hoped?

[Tinkytoo]

My ex husband left me out of the blue, was having a number of affairs, never ever expected this of him, honestly would have bet my house that he would never cheat. This was almost a year ago, we have two children under 3 and he has them to stay 2 days a week.
I appear im sure to have moved on, bought a new house and on the surface we are ‘civil’ just underneath I just have such a sadness that my life hasn’t turned out how I hoped or dreamed and that my ‘dream life’ (2 lovely children with a partner who was a great husband and dad) was something I actually had for a short time,although obviously I can now see he wasn’t that at all.
I just can’t get past this feeling that I’ve been forced into a life I just would never have picked, as a single mum co parenting with a horrible ex. And the little family I hoped I would have will never be again. And yes I know I could meet someone else and I hope to on down the line but they will never be my children’s father and I don’t know my thoughts yet on more children with someone else, despite really wanting more with my ex.

I read lots of posts where getting divorced was the best decision for some women and after it they go on to live an even better life than before. I wish I could feel like that, none of this was my choice and I still feel shell shocked as to how it all happened and then having to deal with my ex husband too doesn’t help.

I did get counselling which I thought helped at the time but this sadness just ebbs and flows throughout my life.

I can relate to your feelings and I am so sorry you are going through this. Think it’s quite natural to mourn the loss of the life you had or thought you had.

I think it’s particularly hard when your children are small and it feels like everyone else is in a “perfect family”. But it gets better over time.

It’s ok to grieve for the life you hoped for. But keep reminding yourself that your choice wasn’t between the idyll and leaving him. It was between living a lie with a cheating abuser and leaving him.

I think its great that you posted. I see it as a sign you are wanting help to move on and put the past in the past and develop that new amazing life you can have. What you have been through / are going through totally sucks. I think though unfort it is too soon for you to see you will be better off. When you find a life partner for yourself you will compare them to your ex and you will be so glad you are on a different path. With such young children I am guessing you are relatively young and you have a whole lot of life ahead of you to enjoy. In my extended family, we have lots of non biological children. And their dads clearly love them just as much as if they were their own. You and your children will one day thrive rather than just survive - you will be OK you just need more time.

I doubt any of us get the life we picked, OP!
I married the love of my life and thought I was set for a happy future. He died of a brain haemorrhage, leaving me with two babies and a life sentence of grief and bereavement.
That was thirty years ago. I never remarried, and love and miss him still, but I have had to just get on with the life I’ve been given.
All I can say is try to find some pleasure in what you have, rather than let it all be poisoned by what you have lost. Regret and bitterness are not a recipe for a good life.

You are grieving what you had - or what you thought you had. The reality, thanks to your dickhead ex, that was just an illusion. I found out 7 years ago my ex had been serially cheating on me with other men. It took a long time to get my head round it - it felt like the rug had been ripped from under me and there was nothing but a hole underneath. Trust me when I tell you it WILL get better. 7 years on I have a new partner (totally traded up as well 😁), my kids are thriving , and I get on really well with my ex. In a way, going through the horror of the whole thing has hugely enriched our lives. It’s a long slog; your brain has to despaghettify itself, but it will.

I can relate to what you are saying op. My ex husband and I separated over 3 years ago when I discovered he was having an affair. He had been everything to me for almost 25 years. We have two children together who were 9 and 11 and it was awful.

I still sometimes mourn the life I 'should' have had but then remember that I have no idea where we would actually be now had the affair never happened. He clearly wasn't happy and we weren't as great as I thought. It's taken time and work but we co-parent amicably now and the kids have been put first throughout all of it.

We both have new partners now and are happy, although I will never move in with, marry or have kids with anyone else. I've done that and only ever intended to do it once. I don't want to force more change on my children that has already been forced on them so my love life and my role as a mum will always be fairly separate.

No, it's not the life I thought I'd be living at this point but as someone else has said, being bitter about it only hurts me. I try and be grateful for what I do have these days - which is less than some but more than others. I have also thrived in my new independence and wouldn't give it up now for anyone or anything!

I’m sorry for what you’ve been though OP, it’s hard as hell. It’s natural to mourn for the life you thought you had, and it’s also really natural for those feelings to ebb and flow, as all feelings do throughout our lives.

This man wasn’t the person you thought he was, and in truth you are lucky to be away from him (though it may not feel like it yet). What happened was not your fault.

Instead of thinking about what you think you’ve lost, try to focus on what you do have and have to gain in the future. Practice a little gratitude every day - the first cup of coffee in your own lovely house, being able to choose what to have for dinner or being able to hog the bed! Think about the future, and what you can do now to build towards that. Invest in yourself: your job, your health, your hobbies and your friends.

You’ve had a serious shock and that takes time to get over. Many people experience the same, but it’s these experiences that shape us and make us stronger. You have many great things to look forward to, and as time goes on you’ll find it easier and easier to focus on those. 💐

It sounds like you still have healing to do - can you do more therapy? I was very sad after my relationship broke down and it felt as though all the things I had planned for myself had been taken away. After about 16 months of therapy (he was abusive - a lot of trauma to get over!) I feel so positive about my life and like I can actually do what I want now instead of doing what he wanted all the time. I think your feelings are normal but will get better as you realise how fulfilling your life can be without him holding you back. You will get there!

Can totally relate. My husband left me for my best friend. Whilst we are friends now I'm left with a life I never wanted, bringing up the kids pretty much alone, I'm lonely, damaged and just unhappy

I remember feeling exactly like this for a long time post-split (my XH had also been having at least one affair). I think the only thing that really helped me was just time - people kept saying I'd feel better eventually, and one day I did, but it was after years not months.

Now I'm very happy with my life - I make the decisions, spend time with my DC without having to accommodate anyone else, and (pre-Covid) see my friends when the DC are with their dad, which is more than I ever got to see them before.

Hang in there!

Hard relate. I feel this intensely at times and try to pull myself out of it with gratitude for the freedom I have and the potential of carving out new adventures for myself in years to come. Not always easy though.

You're just coming out of the trenches, don't be too despondent. Feelings and circumstances will change.

My ExH abandoned me out of the blue 2.5 years ago, and we're now coparenting our DD quite well. The loneliness gets quite intense sometimes - not a lack of company (introvert with lots of friends when I need them, plus a nice casualish partner) but more the fact I'm in such a different place to all of my peers. The whole world feels set up for nuclear families at times (reassuring what @Notcontent said about it being worse when kids are small) and at times I feel isolated and a bit jealous. But there are upsides: I love being in charge of my home, meals, routines, etc.

Mourn your lost past, and then dust yourself down and go see what the future holds for you.

I know what you mean. I also don't think it's helpful when people point out that you e lost an illusion not an idyll. That for me is the most painful part. My marriage was a lie. My memories are false. I look at family photos of holidays and they are all tainted by the knowledge that while I thought we were happy, he was cheating. It's all fake. That's the worst bit.

I had this five years ago and still mourn the loss of being a wife (we were married fro 24 years). It still hurts to this day, but I am now able to look back on photos and see how miserable I looked when I actually thought I was happy! I also can't really remember having had any REAL fun with my husband which I have since had LOTS of with other male friends or lovers.
It honestly does get better and although I don't think I"ll truly ever get over it, I have pushed myself to move on and live a good life.
Thinking of you x

I felt like this alot and it was very difficult because I was the only single parent and felt surrounded by families or women with boyfriends or women who exs bothered with the children. I actively avoided such places because I used to get so upset and no one ever got it.

Instead our little family did lots of wonderful things. My DS and I have similar interests so we always had something to do. I'm fiercely independent and much tougher because of it.

@Missillusioned Totally agree with you. My husband left me and our small DC 18 months ago. I've since found out some truly shocking details of his life that I would never have married or had DC with him if I'd known about him.
If I ever dare say I miss him I just get told I miss the illusion of who he was. It just makes me feel even worse

Don't waste more time looking at what may have been. Very few people happily have the married happily with 2 kids - scratch the surface and there may be health problems, boredom, unfairness, bereavement , money worries, incompatibilities and so on.

I also wanted to be married with kids and be happy. Instead I ended up with 1 a cheater and the next one an insecure man who was jealous and controlling. So a single woman in her 40s with children to 2 men having to start again isn't what I had planned.

But I am having the best life. My freedom (which was curtailed by my jealous ex), time to myself when my kids go to their dads allowing me to grow my career, date, do sports, hobbies etc and am now in the best relationship of my life. But if we were to break up I would still be happy.

You have a choice about how you respond. The situation will not change. If you can't change something then look at it from what chances and advantages it gives you.

I too understand. I am going through trying to sort out a seperation . This is after 30 years of marriage and at 59 years of age.
He was working away and cheated.
Never imagined that this would happen to us. I tell him that he has tarnished my memories, putting me through hell at the moment and is sentencing me to a life I never imagined .
I did say that I wish it had happened earlier in our marriage , as I would have had a fighting chance at going on to create a happier life for myself.

You are young , with your whole life ahead of you. While I know this isn't the family you imagined , you still have your DCs with you. But you do not have a lying , cheating husband with you . And that is a good thing in your life.

Isn't it sad that we all grow up believing we will end up with 'the perfect life' rather than being taught that we have to learn a way to cope with the reality and difficulties that life may present us with. As difficult as it is and I appreciate that you are mourning your loss, you escaped an absolute shitter of a husband OP. One day I hope you can stand in celebration of the life that you and your kids had the good chance to leave. Your kids avoid growing up in and environment of lies and deceit which believe me is a hugely confusing space to grow up in and you are now presented with the chance to find a more emotionally honest relationship. Take the time now to grieve, in therapy if necessary or with loved ones who can support you, and move on.

It was a blow for me and it was only with the passage of time I healed. I know now that the relationship was unhealthy and essentially doomed but boy did I mourn. Take solace in whatever makes you feel better.

@LittleBookOfKalms I honesty think it would have hurt less if he had died. At least I would have had good memories and could look back at our marriage untarnished. And I probably would have had a lot more sympathy and support as well.

I had a significant close bereavement at around the same time, so I do have something to compare it with.