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Relationships

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Original poster

Is there any future in this?

21 replies

Silvernutmeg70 · 30/04/2021 09:13

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. I’m 50, he’s 47, we’re both divorced and have two children each, mine are 16 and 13, his are 11 and 9. We both have shared custody of our children and live in our own 3-bed houses in different towns close to each other. We spend our time moving between our two houses and basically living out of weekend bags. He doesn’t want to buy a bigger house with me and merge our families together as he thinks it would be too complicated and would create unnecessary disruption for our children (his children live with their half-sister, mum, step dad and step brother and often find it chaotic). He says he wants us to live together in the future in his house and rent my house out, which I would be willing to do, but there is no timescale for this, basically it’s all uncertain and up in the air. On the plus side we share lovely times together, he’s made it clear he’s always there for me and helps me out a lot with practical issues and I help him out with school runs, his children seem to like me and mine like him (and our sex life is amazing).

However, I find our current way of living quite stressful and disruptive and never feel fully settled and secure, he seems to be fine with it. I’m on the autistic spectrum and don’t have a great track record with regard to relationships, I’ve been with abusers, unfaithful men, etc. and have previously been strung along and taken for a mug so the thought of this happening again is always in the back of my mind. Do you think this is what’s happening now? I’m not entirely happy with the way things are but maybe I’d be even unhappier without him, I’m not sure, I’m not a great judge of character or circumstances. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Aliceandthemarchhare · 30/04/2021 09:15

He sounds like a good guy to me.

Would it help to keep your ‘weekend stuff’ there? I understand the stress of that, I really do sympathise. I did it for work for a while and it’s difficult.

Whatisthisfuckery · 30/04/2021 09:22

Up to you OP. If the living situation is a deal breaker then so be it. Have you tried not thinking about it though? You obviously have expectations that aren’t going to happen yet, so have you just tried putting it out of your head and concentrating on what you’ve got, rather than having one eye on what you’d ideally like? I wouldn’t usually suggest this but otherwise it sounds like a good relationship and he sounds like a keeper. It’s your call though, if your expectations are red lines and you won’t settle for less then that’s your prerogative and you’d be perfectly within your rights to end it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 09:25

Sounds great. I find it selfish to blend families for adult's desire for a relationship.

seensome · 30/04/2021 09:35

End it, it will just cause you stress and resentment, if you don't want the same thing then it doesn't work.

Meruem · 30/04/2021 09:46

For me the answer would be to have things at his place, clothes toiletries etc that you use when you’re there. A few years ago I had the situation where I was living in 2 places and that’s what I did. It wouldn’t need to be loads of stuff. A few things in the wardrobe, he could clear a drawer for you. Nothing major but that way when you go to his it’s just easy.

I do agree with him tbh that now isn’t the right time to all move in together. It wouldn’t be fair on the DC. It sounds like there’s a lot of positives to your relationship so no I don’t think he’s stringing you along. I think he’s being sensible.

LatentPhase · 30/04/2021 11:20

I would say be careful what you wish for.

Blending families could be a nightmare. At the moment you’ve your lovely home ti come back to and recharge.

You’re captain of your own ship right now.you’ve a lovely relationship.

I wouldn’t give that up (and disrupt the dc) in much of a hurry.

In fact some would say you have it all!!

Would it help if you kept some stuff at his?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2021 11:26

I think your boyfriend is 100% correct and very thoughtful. Blending your families right now would be a nightmare and really unfair to the children. I would be wary of a man who thought moving in together under these circumstances is a good idea.

Original poster

Silvernutmeg70 · 30/04/2021 11:50

I do keep some things at his house, toiletries, etc. but inevitably there are always things I need to bring, my laptop for work, amongst other things.

OP posts:

Meruem · 30/04/2021 14:14

If you take away the worry over whether he is using you in some way, and the stress of going back and forth, are you happy with him? Is everything else good? Obviously we can’t know his future intentions but his current reasoning seems sound and not an indicator that he isn’t in it for the long haul.

The DC will grow up. It might seem far away now but it really isn’t. From where I’m standing, you’ve described a lovely supportive relationship with great sex! I’d love to find that! I wonder if you maybe need to live a bit more in the moment and not think too much about the future. Also don’t let the past colour the present. Bring it down to “am I happy now?” Forget everything else.

Next time you’re due to see him think about how you would feel if you weren’t going and staying home instead. Or if he was coming to you, how you’d feel if he didn’t come. Think about your life without him. Would you feel relieved or would you miss him. Things aren’t always perfect in a relationship (in fact rarely!). It often comes down to the balance of pros and cons. Obviously the pros have to be higher than the cons! But after that, it’s something you need to decide.

Gilda152 · 30/04/2021 15:26

I don't see an issue truthfully and think it sounds much more sensible to stay as you are for now. You mention you are on the autistic spectrum, forgive me as I don't know a lot about it, how does that play into this?

Original poster

Silvernutmeg70 · 30/04/2021 15:43

@Gilda152

For me it means I'm not great at judging situations/people so it's good for me to obtain opinions from other people to make sure I'm not being treated badly/taken advantage of, etc. Normally friends would have met my other half and seen us "in action" as it were, but during Covid we've been in a bubble and hardly seen anyone else.

OP posts:

Penchantforfloralpatterns · 30/04/2021 19:35

I think he’s being very sensible and thinking of his children and yours. I think when children have two homes that both have other children living there there’s a danger that those children feel they don’t really fit in to either home, his children already feel their home is chaotic so he doesn’t want to create another situation that may unsettle them even more. Only you can decide if you want the relationship to continue on this basis or if you should end it. Talk to him about your needs, what you both see happening in the future, timescales and then decide what you want.
I don’t live with my DH anymore, I’m terrible at living with another person, he accepted that this is me and not living with him was no reflection on how I felt about him, we are happily married living apart and have no intention of living together.

filka · 30/04/2021 19:45

Two adults and 4 teens (nearly) in a 3 bed house is going to be rather tight. I doubt if any of the kids will like to share a room so they are going to create resentment.

But if he proposed the idea and you are amenable to it, you need to ask for a timeline.

cloudbusting42 · 30/04/2021 22:29

I agree with PPs that your guy seems sensible, caring, and is rightly putting his kids first. But only you can decide whether moving between houses is going to be tolerable going forward. I do the same and sometimes feel annoyed by it (my DP and I live an hour apart) but then in the end I enjoy our time together and also coming back to my own space.

I think what makes it harder is that this goes against convention. Society tells us that we meet, fall in love, then start to merge properties, money etc, then marry, have kids, grow old together (aka The Relationship Escalator). Of course it doesn't have to be like this, and isn't always possible when you have kids from previous relationships. Many other models can be very successful.

Try the suggestions above, talk to your partner, give it some time, and then your feelings will be clear one way or another.

Original poster

Silvernutmeg70 · 01/05/2021 10:54

@filka

Two adults and 4 teens (nearly) in a 3 bed house is going to be rather tight. I doubt if any of the kids will like to share a room so they are going to create resentment.

But if he proposed the idea and you are amenable to it, you need to ask for a timeline.

We wouldn't have been trying to fit everyone in a 3-bed, I wanted us to buy a 5-bed together which would be possible financially and mortgage free

OP posts:

Sunflower1970 · 01/05/2021 11:22

From an outsider looking into your situation you seem to have a lovely, thoughtful man who cares deeply for his children and you. You all get on and all seems great. Uprooting everybody, especially after the year we’ve just had isn’t sensible. Why don’t you put the housing situation aside and enjoy your family life? There are people who are really really struggling in their relationships and yours sounds very warm and very stable x

Sunflowers095 · 01/05/2021 14:33

I think he's right. Especially for your kids who are teens, living in a blended family now is a huge change. You've not got that long left assuming your kids go to uni - 4 years or so?

In the grand scheme of things disrupting their lives instead of waiting 4 years to move in doesn't seem like a great idea, of you both want this to be a long term relationship.

He seems considerate and personally I wouldn't treat this as a deal breaker.

Sunflowers095 · 01/05/2021 14:36

@Sunflowers095

I think he's right. Especially for your kids who are teens, living in a blended family now is a huge change. You've not got that long left assuming your kids go to uni - 4 years or so?

In the grand scheme of things disrupting their lives instead of waiting 4 years to move in doesn't seem like a great idea, of you both want this to be a long term relationship.

He seems considerate and personally I wouldn't treat this as a deal breaker.

One thing I'd add is making sure that there is a timescale/plan. For example would he be happy to live together once your kids go to uni? But still get a bigger house together for them to have space to visit comfortably on weekends and uni breaks etc.

DoingItMyself · 01/05/2021 14:43

There's a lot of 'He says' there. What do you say?

Think hard before you say 'Let's blend our families, finances and lives.' You will be more secure if you don't. And, if you do, the balance of power will change and he might change with it.

Sounds as if you're in a good position right now.

DoingItMyself · 01/05/2021 14:46

As I moved on from the thread I found myself thinking, "Why is she so keen to get into a situation that many of us have had to fight our way out of?"

Sakurami · 01/05/2021 14:46

I think it would be risky and harder to blend families. This way you have the best of both worlds.

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