I think I'm becoming part of an affair

[privethedge]

I have embarked upon a relationship with a man who is living with his wife but who has separated in that they are selling their house and seeing a solicitor about divorce. I knew about the marriage problems before I became aware that he liked me and now we have started dating.

Should I call an end to this now?

Well why do you not believe him?

I think that it might be an idea to take a step back - just for a little while until things are more settled with his split with his wife.

He might mess you about what with his situation at the mo.
I would leave it, for now.

your not cheating unless he has lied to you about teh situation of his marriage.

but i think you would be wise to keep things at a very informal level rigth now.

not least out of respect for his wife but also because he must have a mixture of feelings about what is happenening even if he doesn't realise it. you dont want to be the rebound girldfriend

QV is right love stories rarely begin with one of the parties still living in the same house as his wife.
And bewarned she may not see it that her relationship is over yet. I had similar problems with dp's ex. He was living in a different house for a year and she continued to tell people that they were still together

I believe him and I know him well enough to evidence all this. However, I do not know the detail of what goes on behind closed doors. No reason to mistrust him but then blind faith is perhaps unwise.

I have never been the other woman and would never wish to be so this concerns me deeply for moral as well as personal reasons.

However, I really enjoy the company of this man.

s it honestly possible to step back without giving it up altogether/.

Not sure about calling an end to it; but I'd be inclined to suggest a 'cooling off period' of sorts until he has moved out of the marital home else it could get rather messy.

If the relationship has the potential to be 'for keeps' a few weeks or months will make no real difference in my opinion.

how do you feel about him?
do you love him?
when you think about cooling off, how does that feel?

i have recently seperated from my long term partner.....we are still living under the same roof until i find somewhere else to live.
my ex is now seeing someone who was our mutual 'best friend'.....i was hurt when i first found out, and while i'm still not over the moon about it (although this is about the speed with which it happened and their attitude towards me) i have accepted that he is not mine anymore, and he is free to see who he chooses.....but i do wish they had waited until i have moved out.
if you are feeling uncomfortable about this situation then take a step back from it for a little while.......
i wish my 'friend' had been as considerate in this situation as you are.......

Yes, step back, As others have said, a few weeks or months will not change your feelings if it is really something special.
You are doing nothing wrong but he needs time to settle his relationship with her before embarking on a new one.
I speak from the perspective of someone who was the other woman once, and has never regained her self esteem or forgiven herself for the secretive behaviour and lies that happened - it erodes your soul, whether you think so at the time or not - I wish I had been as moral and wise as you. I thought I was the innocent party at the time - now I have to live with my own part in it forever.
I'm not suggesting you're lying or doing anything wrong at all but you will probably feel bad about it despite that, not worth it - uphold your own boundaries at all costs!

Good luck, I hope it works out for you x

Did he also say that the cheque is in the post? Leave him to sort his marriage out and tell him to get in touch when the divorce is over and he is available.

"My wife and I don't have sex/sleep in the same bed/are divorcing" is one of the biggest bullshit lines going.

Usually I'd say the same as everyone else on here - give him space. But, if you're the girl I think my h went dancing with last night, then please don't! I would be so relieved that someone was supporting him emotionally right now. OK, so I know the chances of you being her are zero, but the situation just could still be the same. Just by being there you are helping him, so as long as there's no sneaking around involved then what's the problem?

Hmmm step back and wait for him to move out if it is a real realtionship then surely you can wait as can he....
My H told his OW we were in process of seperating didn't have sex and the houses we were looking at were for me....ALL crap - we were having problems yes...but still having sex NOT talking about divorce at all and looking for houses to move to together ...not saying this is your case...but you don't know the wifes take on what is happening.....true love waits and all that !!!

Agree with macdoodle

You say you know him pretty well, but also like you say, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

My situation - H and I were selling our home to move to a bigger home by a good school for ds.

He told his OW - we were selling our house, separating, and divorcing. I knew nothing of it all until we sold the house and he announced he actually wasn't coming to the new house with me!
Seriously that is the honest truth.

It took 6 months for me and the OW to actually realise we were both being played and to get to the bottom of the lies.

If it is meant to be for you both then it will happen. But please please - have some respect for the end of his marriage. Let him leave his wife and sort out his divorce. Let him sort his own head out and deal with the inevitable hurt that will come with the end of his marriage.
Then think about starting up a relationship with him.

At the end of the day, at this point in time he is still married and you can never be 100% sure that you know the full truth.

For your own sake as well as his wife's, try to take a step back. You can be a friend without letting it go any further just now.

And I also think that would be the right thing to do for the sake of yours and his future relationship - it sounds as though you would definitely prefer not to be the 'OW'. So don't be. Be his friend until he has moved out and his marriage is 100% over. Then you and him can start a fresh with no baggage or accusations from his ex. I really believe that would be best for all of you.

Agree completely with Baffy.

Be very careful especially if he has kids.

In the six months after my ex moved out and tried to make it work with OW, the fallout from our split hurt all of us badly. Enough time has gone by (plus realisation that I am better out of marriage than in it) for me to feel almost sorry for her rather than pleased that they split too.

Divorce can be simple, but rarely is, and you really don't want to be dragged into it.

Do not know if you can step back and not lose him altogether but really think you may spare yourself a lot of heartache if you try.

xx

I wouldn't get involved if it were me. If my DH were thinking of divorcing me I would want to know we had tried everything and had had enough respect for one another to remain married until we were separated. I would certainly only go out with a man who was totally single, not living under the same roof with his ex, not "in the process" of breaking up with someone, etc.

There is huge potential for a big mess if you break this "rule".