Will I change my mind?

[FallenOrItch]

I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years, married for 4. We have one child. I’ve been unhappy in the relationship before, but have put it down to me being generally unhappy at the time.

Last year I was particularly down, unhappy with my job, the relationship, the way I look/my weight and feeling like I wanted another child. I spoke to him about this, and at the same time pushed forward in trying to ignite some kind of intimacy to our relationship again - we were barely talking, no physical contact etc. at the time. Things somewhat improved for a few weeks, but stopped and returned to how they’d been. He felt, and still feels, like a man who just lives in the same house as me - sometimes we feel like friends and sometimes not.

I now realise that pushing forward to ttc is a completely terrible thing to do, I’ve been working on myself, my weight etc. and have put more effort and time into work and am a lot happier. But the relationship - I feel like I’ve just given up trying, and he’s just not noticed.

I don’t feel like I love him anymore and I’m not attracted to him. Our physical relationship has been pretty much non-existent since our child was born and with lockdown we don’t do anything, not that it was more than a meal out occasionally as a three before anyway. He’s a really nice guy, kind and caring, a great dad and does his share round the house. He loves us.

Is this salvageable? Is it lockdown fatigue imploding on someone who was probably already unhappy? Is it the ‘4 year itch’? Right now I don’t know if I could change my mind on loving him in that way. I’ll love him as the father of my child, probably as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me.

I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want him to hate me, don’t want our families to be disappointed in me. I feel like it would be easier to keep quiet and just carry on. But I know that not fair on anyone. I’m not a talker, I don’t like talking about my feelings or lack of them and an probably just trying to put off speaking to him again or anyone else about this.

Dear OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and I am sure plenty of people would suggest to you to try and salvage you marriage, but I would tell you to work on your exit. You see, I think I am much older then you and I have been with my DH for 26 years and spent at least 15 wondering just like you now, what to do. I now know for sure that once you start questioning your relationship it is a clear sign that things are not good and the chances are very small that they will get better. Life is short and we deserve to be as happy as we possibly can. I have just told my DH that I cannot be with him anymore. It hurts like hell and the guilt is killing me, but I know that this is the right thing to do as I for the life of me do not see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think if I don’t say anything now I will probably be there in 20 years regretting it and knowing it’s too late to rebuild a life I would want. I really do want more kids. But I still have those selfish urges of not wanting to be alone (I left my parents for uni and met him within the first few weeks), I know dating will be down the line and I shouldn’t jump into anything but I also know that it’s changed so much in just the last 10 years, I wouldn’t know how to meet someone else - I work and I look after my child. I have no family near by, and wouldn’t want to move back anyway so I know my time will continue to be work and childcare.

The guilt is what is probably stopping me now, and trying to describe why. He’s lovely, everyone likes him, he’s a good person. I worry my friends and family wouldn’t understand and that while I might one day meet someone else that I have an attraction too, maybe even love, would they be as good a guy as him? Would I regret leaving a nice life with a good guy? But, that’s selfish too, he could have the chance to meet someone else who would love him back and I’m stopping that.

Dear OP. My DH just texted me to tell me that he may move out in July. Instead of being happy I immediately responded to him that he does not have to move out yet, until he is back on his feet and Covid is over. This is how deep the feeling of guilt and responsibility is in us. The thing is, the sooner he moves our the better. We just have to tell our kids first. You have to think the same way. It is really hard and btw I had some therapy and it really helped, clear up my head. The problem is once you start questioning your relationship, there is no going back.

Thanks for your advice

I just told him. He was so blindsided but still so nice - I feel horrible and like there’s something wrong with me because why don’t I love him

Dear OP, good for you! I am so glad that you worked up a courage to do this, I am certain that it will be hard and it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

You see we are all struggling with guilt and finding reasons why we do not want to continue this marriage. I was just having an exchange with someone about that. You know it is probably easier if your husband cheats, gambles, beets you up, when there is a tangible reason, but when there is not one, when it is just your feelings it is harder. But it was a revelation for me when I realized this, and my friend said her therapist though her that, "You don't need to justify why you want to leave - it's enough that you want to". You deserve to be happy, you deserve to create your own destiny, to want, to need and to have these needs met.

You see as women, we are thought to suck it up, to sacrifice for husband, marriage, kids. No one tells you, you can always leave if you are not happy, they tell you, work it out, compromise, its all for the greater good. But what about us?

My DH just gave me his piece of mind yesterday. He came to tell me that this is not what he wants, it is what I want, he does not want the marriage to end, or to move out, he is doing it because I said I wanted that. “What are you going to tell the kids”, he asked, how are you going to explain? He told me he thinks I am just giving up without a fight. I was frozen. I did not know what to say. I felt guilty, of course this is all my fault. But later on, I got furious. He is manipulating me, like always, in feeling guilty and therefore changing the course of my action. I am giving up easily?!!! I was stuck in this relationship for 26 years, so I have been trying for 26 years, isn’t that now long enough? Why did I not ask him, what did you do about this? How did you change to accommodate my needs?

But you know what, I got to the point where I do not even want to bother. I gave him all these years to talk, to fix it up, I am done talking. I am not giving him chances. I am done being selfless. I just want to tell the kids and get it done.

Sorry for the avalanche, it just kind of came out of me. I guess I keep so much inside. Please, please, reach out if you need support. DM me if that is better, I love writing letters. We are in this together, and we can help each other through. Sending you tons of love across the ocean.