Looking to divorce but don't know where to start

[lookingatwoodseeingtrees]

I need some help. My husband basically changed personality the moment my first child was born, and became someone who rejected me in small, low-level ways, that over time has truly eroded any love I had for him. It’s been a very sad and difficult realisation that he doesn’t really love me.

I’ve been seriously ill for a year and he’s done nothing nice or kind for me. He’ll bring me food or tea etc if I ask for it. He’ll sometimes meet my needs but will often first make it clear that he doesn’t want to do xyz/then considers himself look the good guy because he’s done what I asked, except of course he’s made me feel like shit first for asking.

For example, he doesn’t care about COVID enough and doesn’t always follow hygiene measures, this is v stressful for me as I’m very immuno-compromised. He will eventually do the right thing, but like I said he first lets me know he thinks I’m being unreasonable or difficult. It makes me feel like unloved.

I don’t fight/raise these issues because he’s also quite a neglectful parent and I’m busy fighting smaller battles like ensuring he cuts up grapes, which he can’t always be bothered to do. I feel like I’ve been too reasonable and let things slide rather than confronting them, and I know that’s my fault, but he’s made no effort at all in our relationship and I’m exhausted from it all.

I’ve realised I want a divorce but I’m scared of speaking to him. He knows things aren’t great between us but has buried his head in the sand about it. He’s admitted he knows I no longer find him attractive. But he’s such an egotist if I hold up any sort of mirror to his behaviour he’ll seethe. I just don’t know how to broach the fact that I want a divorce. It is beyond fixing.

Dear op I was in your shoes for years. I knew right from the start that my DH is not what I needed and things never gotten better. Fast forward 25 years, I finally worked up a courage to admit to myself that I do not want to live with him anymore. Told him that the other day too. I have to admit that for our whole family this is the worst possible time to do this kind of thing. Especially my DH had a lot of loss and tragedy in the last year, but I cannot hold it in any more. So, please, do not be like me, do not wait for ever. Why is it that most of us humans keep ignoring our instincts until it is too late. If you feel it deep inside you should do it. Do not think too much, wait or hesitate, just do it. It may be hard now, and it may be hard for some time, worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

I would suggest speaking to a solicitor and/ or educating yourself on the process. I would also make sure you have all your financial and personal documents safe (passports, money in your own name etc) and see if you have someone you can stay with if you need to leave the house. Once you feel prepared practically you can speak to him about your feelings. If you need support maybe have a friend waiting outside for you (or come in with you!). It's a big decision and obviously very difficult and painful but you can do it. I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head over and over again to make sure it came out right. That might help you prepare? Good luck.

Thank you so much for your advice. It's helped me bite the bullet for the conversation and we've now separated and agreed to divorce, hopefully we will be able to continue to do so amicably. It's very hard and sad, but I do feel relieved.