I don't want a divorce

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I married 5 years ago to an amazing guy who I can chat all day with. Thing is he moved abroad 9 months after we married to complete a degree. We agreed he would come home often but ultimately he was subsumed by his degree and I almost felt like he totally forgot about us. On one level we were best mates, could chat for hours about anything. On the other hand I started to resent that he was away so much and then when we came home we wouldn't have sex etc (he describes himself as pretty asexual). Sex matters a lot to me. After 2 years of being away and after our sex life had died a death, I told him if he didn't want me physically then I'd find someone who did. He still didn't make an effort, so after a year I had an affair. I should mention that my husband had quite bad MH problems (bulemia, depression and anxiety), which I found exhausting to deal with continually.

Long story short, he found out about the affair and wanted to try to sort it out, but his MH was awful and I didn't feel equipped to deal with it. I said I'd end the affair and we could work on our marriage, but he then suddenly kept pushing me to sell the house so we could split up, whilst also saying he wanted to stay together. Later he said this was so I'd see what I was losing, but I just panicked and told him it was over and I'd buy him out of the house. Which I have done.

I ended up staying with the guy I had an affair with, but its not right, but I can't seem to end it, I feel I'm in too deep and will have thrown away an amazing person for nothing. I just can't stop thinking about the friend/husband I've lost. I miss our friendship so much. We are amicable but as his MH has been so bad I've tried to limit talking to him so as not to do his head in.

Recently he applied for a divorce and for some reason I just don't want to do it. I honestly don't know the point of this post but I just feel so much like I've fucked up my life.

To be clear, I have no intention of telling my husband how I feel, his MH is too precarious. I just needed to get it all out I suppose.

I know that I can't be with him as I can't cope with his MH problems, they made my MH poor too and I was a wreck. I just feel such a loss.

Get the divorce!

So he has used uni and mental health and being asexual every other excuse under the sun not to be a husband to you... give him the divorce. He checked out years ago. He is not a husband. He is not even your friend. Friends and partners...heck, even half decent acquaintances do not treat you like this. Like irrelevant shit on their shoe.

Stop pussyfooting around him and take this opportunity to escape. Yes it sucks, yes it's sad to give up on the dream. But have some bloody sense lady, he will never give you what you need. Time for you to stop being a martyr.

You haven't fucked up your life, you don't sound old and plenty of time to sort things out. However, both of these relationships seem a mess, especially the marriage. I hope he is going up be reasonable about finances because buying someone out before assets have been divided doesn't sound like a wise move to me. From what you have said, I would go full steam ahead with the divorce, separate from present partner have a couple of years alone/fun and start again.

Go ahead with the divorce, and get some counselling to help you build healthy relationships in the future.

Thanks guys. I really needed to hear this.

I know you are right, I just feel really floored by the divorce. I honestly don't really know why. Financially we are having a clean break and had that written into our separation agreement so I'm not worried about being screwed over by him financially (he probably has more to lose than I do, but I needed to protect my children and my pension).

My current relationship is a bit of a mess which I think is most of the problem.

He is an epically shit husband - 4 years abroad? Doesn’t want to have sex with you? You have to pussyfoot around him to accommodate his mental health problems? Literally wants to divorce you? Why on earth do you want to hang on to him as a husband? Get rid before he sucks you back in. Sounds like a complete drama head fuck to me

This isn't a marriage. He's barely even a penpal.

It's very odd. I'd have filed for divorce years ago if I were you. He's utterly inadequate.

What has he contributed to your house by the way? He seems to have gained financially with very little input.

Get the divorce (I won't reiterated what everyone else has said, but I agree with them - this guy was NEVER going to make you happy), and then end the relationship with affair guy too if it doesn't seem right. Just be on your own for a bit, let the dust settle, enjoy your DC, decide what YOU want in life and don't be so quick to marry anyone else!

Just going to second what everyone else has said. Definitely divorce the guy. He abandoned you and your marriage. He may be great to talk to but he’s not great in literally every other way. Break up with your current partner also if he’s not making you happy. Focus on yourself and your DC for the time being!

I find it so disheartening to see how many of us are so unhappy, unfulfilled in our marriages and still stay. Isn’t the point of a marriage to have a better life, to have someone to support you, to help you achieve your goals, to make you happy, to raise family with you. Instead, a lot of us are unhappy and unfulfilled and still hesitate to leave. OP please do not think I am criticizing you here. I have been married for 25 years to a person that is not even close to a guy I want him to be, and I just recently found a courage to admit it to myself, my therapist and finally him.

What I wanted to say is, we all deserve to be happy!

Divorce is always hard, even if you hate each other: it's the symbol of a dream definitely, finally being dead and buried.
But he basically left you more than four years ago? Did he actually want to be married? He's definitely not in the closet/in need of a visa?

Why was an affair the logical decision instead of ending the relationship?

The problem you keep repeating is staying with men you aren’t compatible with and here you go again, wanting to replace one unsuitable man with another.

You need to split up this marriage is hopeless.

You had an affair and separated for a reason OP. Your 'husband' is not the one for you. By the sounds of it, your current parent isn't either. But you can choose someone else. These aren't the only two men in the universe.

This is really strange. Are you very young?
What was the rush to marry if he was going abroad?
End it, and I suggest you get counselling and work on yourself instead of rushing headlong into the arms of another man

Didn't you know he was asexual before marrying him?

@Wallaceinwonderland not a bloody clue. We had no problems until he suddenly decided to move to another country to do a degree, which definitely wasn't the plan when we got married.

I've not lost out financially from our marriage. Probably I've earned from it as I wouldn't have been able to buy my house initially without him (he put in cash as the deposit and the house went up massively in value), although funding a house abroad and a degree did cost me a fortune.

You are all right, of course. So glad I posted for perspective.

You paid for his degree and housing?

Bloody hell op. Marrying someone who disappears abroad and then is asexual sounds shit. Definitely divorce him!