Learning to have boundaries

[KittenMittens4]

I have just ended a 4 year (1 DS) relationship because he was an alcoholic, gambling loser.
I booked some counselling sessions because a) want to make sure my mental health is all good and I communicate this break up in as kind and pragmatic way as possible to my son. And b) because if I ever do think about having a relationship again I want to be able to see (and act) on ALL the red flags.

I've read all the stuff around the Freedom programme, I'm giving some real time to this. But the thing I can't quite settle in my mind is day to day I'm successful, confident happy etc. Yet my actions/reactions within relationships within the last ten years look like someone who has no self esteem or idea about herself.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I've obviously got learned behaviours around getting myself a fixer upper. But I really need to understand it/break the cycle. If not for me then for my son so that I can at least model/teach him what a good relationship should be.

I’m in the same position, outwardly I appear strong and capable, in theory I know the red flags, but I still fear being attracted to/targetted by wrong uns. I too seem to be drawn to those needing mending, but I really don’t want to be doing that!

Well, judging by Mn, you’re far from alone. I confess to being shocked at the ideas about men/the low standards for men that so often seem normalised on here, and which I assume are imbibed in early life — have you internalised the idea that men ‘need training’, and can’t be expected to be emotionally intelligent or do an actual 50% share of the parenting and housework, or something?

I've been the same in relationships and, like Wave, am interested in peoples' relationships with their fathers. Mine was awful.

What were the relationships of your parents or close family like when growing up?

Sometimes it's not lack of proper boundaries. It's the facade that a potential partner puts on in the first weeks or when in relationship the act they continue to play.

The red flags might be not always seem so obvious and then bam, you've wasted weeks or months of your precious life on some tosser.

Co Dependent No more by Melanie Beattie seems to be the standard text about getting into relationships with "fixer uppers." There are also self help groups (a bit like AlAnon) around the country and now online: CoDA (Co dependents anonymus). I agree with CaesarsDream that it is often hard to gauge early on as people can put up a great, successful and capable front for a long time.

I suppose you need to explore what your role was in your family, if you find it hard to "give up" on people or put your own needs first etc. How to recognise the signs early. I would work on making a list of "red lines" and keeping it to assess future partners against on an ongoing basis. I'd also write down a history of your RL's, highlighting when things changed, hurtful events etc. so that you can look back on them in the future, as I think we do forget just what things were like with the passage of time.

You had the courage to split with your ex so that is a really good sign and you are actively working on yourself, recognising you can change you (but not them) and putting your DS needs foremost. You sound great.

I have found it hard to have boundaries with men I have dated. I had an awful relationship with my father by the way.

I think you should take some time out and decide what you want and reflect. If you meet someone you like take your time to get to know them and stand by your standards.

Some really good ideas, I definitely had a chaotic and dysfunctional upbringing. But I thought mostly I hadn't carried that with me. Gives me some food for thought for my next counselling session too.

@CaesarsDream you are right of course. But I'm almost 40 and there's definitely a pattern in my relationships!

Just a thought, you don't actually need to be in a relationship to enjoy life. It might be nice to not have to think about anyone other than yourself for a while

@Anordinarymum
Oh yeah sorry if my OP isn't clear, I never want to OR think I will be for a long time.

But I need to know the boundaries/issues and work on them, a) to teach my son and b) in case in a LONG time I ever want to

Yes I'm exactly the same. I'm educated to post grad level, i have a succesful and responsible career, I'm a lone parent of children with SN...i juggle a lot and am confident in all of that. My relationships are a disaster. My marraige was abusive in every way, my next relationship was with an abusive alcoholic. My current relationship is with a woman who emotionally abuses me and my closest female friend is similar. Both os this women I am totally emotionally tied to, to the detriment of my own happiness and mental health. I grew up with an alcoholic parent so I'm assuming its possibly related to that.