Divorce

[Mumsmet]

I want a divorce and my husband is making everything very difficult. Neither of us is happy yet he's deluded and he's making out we've got a good relationship and that I'm ruining everything, of course his lies over the years couldn't possibly be the problem. To paint a picture, we last had sex almost 6 years ago and that was only on one occasion and it was unpleasant. Before that, it had been years. We have slept separately for over 16 years!
One minute he's begging me to reconsider and the next he's shouting at me and spouting ridiculous nonsense about money and how he'll make sure I don't get any of HIS money. Understandably, I am adamant that I want a divorce.

I guess I'm posting in the hope that someone can offer me advice or even empathy or sympathy. Has anyone tried to divorce a partner who is determined to stay married at whatever cost?

It's so easy to get married yet so hard to get divorced.

I'm sure there's a way to get divorced even if he opposed it. Do you have legal advisor? If you don't want to walk away with nothing I think you'll need one.

Wow, you had me at slept separately at 16 years,!! He probably feels your a hard habit to break so to speak.. I think it's possible to do a divorce online or you could go down the 2 year then divorce route, but ultimately you dont need his permission,!! Bite the bullet n leave the marital home something tells me he won't,!! Good luck

There's a wealth of advice here and elsewhere for this but ultimately you can divorce someone who doesn't want to divorce. The problem is how you divide the assets while you are still living together in them, so to speak. You don't say anything about your own financial situation or access to funds but you need to speak to a good solicitor. It isn't an uncommon problem and is soluble, albeit with probably a lot of unpleasantness. It sounds like you have been in any real relationship for 16 years though!

You can start divorce proceedings even if he doesn’t like it and even if you are in the same home. See a solicitor first.

My STBXH would spout the same shit about money in arguments

"You can't afford anything on your wages"
"I'll make sure you get nothing"

Etc etc. It's financial abuse.

Speak to a solicitor and file for unreasonable behaviour.

OP I just spoke with a lawyer and where I live not having sex for over a year can be used as a sign that you are separated and you can apply for divorce.

Thank you so much. I appreciate all your comments so much. I have been in touch with a Solicitor - I'll keep you posted. Thanks again x

@ Mumsmet

It is difficult to show separation when living under the same roof. Unreasonable behaviour is more likely.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/ways-to-end-your-marriage/#h-if-your-reason-is-unreasonable-behaviour-nbsp-

Definitely speak to a solicitor. A bit of a pain if he will contest the divorce as that means you have to go to court so more stressful and expensive for you both but if that's how he's going to behave better accept it now and get the ball rolling. The divorce process is never fun or easy but you must do what is right for you. A few months/ years of frustration and then a long life of freedom and happiness ahead! Stay strong.

He cant decide that you have to stay married. My ex husband thought if he buried his head in the sand and ignored the paperwork it wouldnt happen, but it doesnt work that way.

I used the services of a Process Server to serve the paperwork to him at work so he couldnt deny he had received it yet again.

OP - I’ve just come out of 15 months of divorcing a man who wouldn’t accept it. In the end I left the house with the kids and he flipped and took me to court in anger - it was last ditch anger as all the pleading hadn’t worked. It’s been long and hard but I don’t regret it (although I am sad for my kids and suffer with guilt over that), ultimately though, he has to respond to divorce papers and will be forced via a Form E process to disclose all finances etc - once the wheels are turning he hasn’t got a choice.

Good luck xxx

No Fault Divorce is coming in this autumn, if you can wait that long.

Thanks to you all for the great advice. I am finding the situation very draining but I shall stand my ground and I won't be manipulated into staying. Thanks again.

@Mumsmet

Hello OP I am glad to see your post. I am in the same position, well Idk if our lives and DHs are the same, but I also had enough and told him so a few weeks ago. We have not told the kids and we still live in the same house, except that I sleep on a mattress on the floor. Being like that definitely is very, very hard, and I often think to myself how much easier it would be if I would just forget about everything and go back to what it was before, but deep inside me something changed and I simply cannot do it. It is over and I just cannot wait for him to leave (hopefully in July) so that I can exhale.

Hang in there. I am glad to see that you are strong and holding your ground. I find it is a bit better when I am posting here as I get a lot of support from other amazing women, so do not be shy. Keep posting.

I know my marriage is over, I just haven’t had the guts to say so yet. How he can think we’re happy I don’t know.
Good luck and keep thinking of the end goal 💐

@DinosaurDiana
I have been with my DH for 26 years most of which I was miserable. When I told him I am considering divorce he was shocked. He said he did not think it was THAT bad. That made me feel worse. As my DH shouldn't he know if I was unhappy, shouldn't he care? I asked him if he was happy, does he think our marriage is good? He said, it is not so bad.

Well it is bad for me.

Hello all, I hope you're well.

Update: I have a Solicitor and the divorce petition should be sent out soon.

Thank you all so much for replying to this thread, your words are much appreciated. Wishing all of you in a similar situation all the very best. I know this will be a really tough time but hopefully it'll be worth it.

Awwww.. I hope you are getting on ok. The no fault divorce is happening next year now. I think in the spring. I found a really great site and forum for divorce called thegrouphug.com and it's english too - loads of help if you are going through divorce and experts to help. It is a journey that's for sure and more and more people are getting divorced probably because of lockdown and being stuck in the house together more. such as shame but that's life.

Thank you, I shall check out thegrouphug!
All the best to you

Just get a solicitor and file for divorce asap.
Otherwise it's just prolonging the misery.
I've been divorced from two aggressive men who have ranted on about ruining me blah blah, well that doesn't happen.
Judges/solicitors have heard it all before.
Plod on with the practicalities and just get it done or this nonsense will never end.
Never wait for his agreement or "permission" because it won't happen.
Make sure you know what you are entitled to financially and have all your documents and bank accounts to hand.
Take regular breaks from the situation. It will soon be over.

Hi im new herë. Just wondered if snyone could give me some advice. My wife has filed for divorce, decree nisi and e form has come through. Have 3 Boys, 15, 18 and 20 all in full time education. We all live in the same house. She wants me to buy her out or sell the house. Dont think either of us have the financës to do this as my work is intermittent due to Covid. If mediation doesnt work as i dont want to sell the house, would the court let her live there and Chuck me out as ive no where to go. I want to stay in the family home with my children. Can they force me out if no domestic abuse? Thanks in anticipation

Teachtalk

Sorry you received no replies. I am not really sure. I am in a similar position and have no idea if my husband or I will get the house or if we'll both have to move. We are both here currently.

How are you feeling? I wonder if your Mediation has started yet.

Nothing yet. Im feeling so suicidal tbh. Im just about working every day but if they take make me leave the house and ive go no where to live then i just dont know what to do. I would rather not be here anymore to be honest x

I am sorry you're feeling so bad. There are many organisations who can help. Have you tried citizens advice? Also Relate has an online chat function (not 24 hour).
The stage of uncertainty is really hard, I also have no idea where I'll be residing after all this. Take one hour at a time. The idea with divorce is for a fair arrangement, so try not to think about the worst case scenario.
You could call the Samaritans 116123 and talk to someone - you can alsp email them and they have a self help app but I have not tried the app.

Or call NHS 111

Your boys need you to stay strong!

Wishing you well