I'm being used aren't I?

[Namechanged255]

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping someone can put me straight as I'm so confused I don't know what day of the week it is!

Firstly, I know I've done a terrible thing. I fell in love and even though it's know it's no defence, it did something to my brain and turned me into someone I'm not.

Long story short, I'm talking about an affair. A long term one and we are both married. Both very unhappy and unable to leave the marriages due to caring responsibilities.

We've called it off numerous times but it always starts again. We manage a few weeks/months apart and I just start to feel better and stronger but he tells me how much he misses me and it starts all over again.

It's changed in the last 8 months though. He tells me he can't see me, then that he misses me, then that he can't sleep etc, etc and then I feel sorry for him so when he makes plans to see me, I go. We've had sex a couple of times on these occasions. Other times, he cancels with a shit excuse but not until the day and only once I've asked if we are meeting for dinner. I've normally had my hair done and got myself ready by the time I hear that he can't go.

When he does this, I feel like an idiot and a slag and a teenager all at once (I'm in my 50's!!).

What am I doing??! He's just using me now isn't he? Please someone tell me straight as I'm so messed up and can't sleep or eat or function.

It sounds like a bit of a mess OP, and I think you would be happier without this man. I get that it’s a thing that can happen - almost the less someone gives you of their time/attention, the more you start to crave them. Something about a scarce commodity?

I think you would be happier if you separated too. It’s hard to comment on your marriage as you mention caring responsibilities - are you your spouse’s carer? Depending on the situation, I realise that can be very very tough. But without knowing more (and you are completely within your rights not to share more if you don’t want to), it’s hard to know what to advise.

Yes, he’s using you and probably a string of other gullible women.

There’s a really good thread here called APfree 2021 or similar, it’s about people cutting contact with their affair partners. I really think you should try and read it.

Nothing good will come of this situation and yes you’re being used. If you feel like shit now imagine this all coming out, how will you feel then?

Do you want to save your marriage or not?

Thanks for the messages.

Yes, I am a carer. He isn't officially a carer but he is one in reality.

I'm sure he's not seeing anyone else, he works long hours as well as having to look after the house and kids etc.

I will look at that thread, thanks. Tbh, my marriage isn't great and I don't see it lasting forever. There are issues with domestic violence and I'm hanging on by a thread.

I think your other man gave you an escape from reality, but this won’t make you happy long term.

Are you safe? Can you make any plans to leave? You do deserve happiness OP but this isn’t the way to go about it, nothing but sadness ahead if you continue on this path.

You need to separate from your DH AND the man you’re having an affair with. I really don’t understand why people cheat! Just leave and find someone else!

Yes he has been an escape. Sometimes, he's been the only thing that's got me through a bad day/week/month. It's madness but I love him.

I'm safe and am making plans to separate but it's going to be very difficult.

I agree, I don't know why people cheat either!

I'm such an idiot. I keep crying and feeling sick and can't sleep.

Affairs aren’t always that black and white, especially in your situation.

I hope things get better for you I really do x

Cold feet.

End it, keep your dignity. Reassess your own marriage and future without him in the frame. Your dh deserves much more, but you know that.

I just start to feel better and stronger but he tells me how much he misses me and it starts all over again.

You know that you do start feeling better and stronger. You need to cut off all methods of contact so he can't pop in and out of your life, and you will get over him.

Because you're suffering domestic abuse, he looks great to you and what he gives you feels great, but you deserve better than the scraps he can offer. Are you getting any support with exiting your relationship? You might find the Freedom Programme or talking with a counsellor with experience of domestic abuse useful.

I do need to end it once and for all but at the same time, I kind of don't want to as I know how low I feel without him. I will have to see him occasionally for work too. I feel like I'm going mad!

In the past, it's been really good but you are right, I'm getting scraps now. He's been a bit off with me too. WTF is wrong with me? I need my head seeing to.

You are being used, and could do with working on your self esteem. Why are you letting him? Is there no part of you that feels annoyed with him, find your inner anger and kick him to the curb. Cut off all contact and do not let him come crawling back.

Sorry, forgot to mention that I'm not getting any support. Nobody knows about the abuse. I will look for some help.

If you feel low, you don't continue to be used and abused, you get help! Get some counselling, some proper support and in the process you might come to realise how messed up this is, and you have been used because your boundaries are not there.

He is only going to make you feel worse. You don't need to feel like shit every time he goes cold, that can't be helping your MH one bit.

Call the GP, or get a counsellor independently and start investing in yourself, so you are never reduced to someone's unpaid escort service again.

I do get angry but by the time we talk, I've calmed down. I never really thought about having self esteem issues but it does sound like I have. Huh.

I didn't see you pp about DV. Please plan to leave your dh and get some help. Both men are hurting you op. The other man is not the saviour here, he is just taking advantage of an abused woman, not a nice man, and certainly no hero for you to cling on to. He will run for the hills the minute you leave your dh, so please give yourself something to be proud of. Ditch him properly and get some help

You're right, my head feels really messed up and it's something I've never struggled with. It's weird as I'm the strong one in my friendship groups and look where I am.

Unpaid escort. Never thought of it like that. I really do need to get things fixed before I lose myself completely.

Thanks. I will find some courage from somewhere and try and get things done.

Don’t put yourself down so much. Aren’t you both just using each other?

It’s not black and white but if it’s making you feel so unhappy then you need to break away from it all for good.

Yes, you don't have to do this on your own. There is support you can access. Women's Aid, local domestic abuse services - reach out. they won't make you do anything you're not ready to do and they won't be judgemental.

One of the problems with being in an abusive relationship is that it makes you vulnerable to further abusive or exploitative or just plain old substandard relationships, because your boundaries have been skewed and your self-worth damaged by the abuse. Your "shark cage" gets all busted up by it. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I think if it helps you, having another man in your life isn't a bad thing - if he gives you courage to leave, if he makes you feel good about yourself, if it is building you up emotionally then fine, sod being faithful to some abusive bastard. But if it's holding you back, distracting you from what you need to do, or making you feel worse about yourself, then it's just adding to your burden and needs to go. Also you have to bear in mind, if you get found out, you could be in very real danger.

How can you be caring for someone so much you can't leave them I'm thinking paraplegic or end of life care , snd domestic violence ? If they have enough Energy to be violent they can fend for themselves

Yes I suppose it could be seen like that. I've never felt like I was using him though. I've been in love with him for years and thought he felt the same but recent months have made me question things.

Thanks category12, I will look at that link. My boundaries are messed up for sure. My AP has been so good for me and has kept me sane but something has changed with him and I need to get to the bottom of it as it's making me feel like crap.

Yes he does have the energy on a good day to fend for himself but on bad days, he doesn't even know where he is.

If your spouse is abusing you you need to leave him, whatever his issues. He will have to sink or swim without you, because darling, this is clearly destroying you and you deserve better!

Try and put the other guy aside for a moment if you can. When you have got away from
the shackles of your caring work for your abusive spouse, THEN is the time to think clearly about what you want going forwards (and I dare say that, in time, you will
find someone much more fulfilling than your AP, to be with).

I totally get why you are focused on issues with AP now, rather than the massive elephant in the room which is what you see as your inability to leave your abusive spouse. Almost everyone I know has done this at some point, to a greater or lesser extent. We focus on little things because the big things might destroy us..... Just a couple of days ago, I was on the train to a real make-or-break job interview - I spent the entire journey texting my best girlfriend about a row I had had a couple of nights previous with my boyfriend. She kept saying, but Lovely, shouldn’t you be focusing on THE JOB? But would I listen to her ? Would I fuck...::.

But OP, seriously. Sort the serious shit first. I know it’s scary, but you will feel so much better when that is done.

Good luck darling! Xxx