Heartbroken...

[Sawaan]

My ex and I were together for about four years when I was 18, he was my first love.
I had an abortion which I’ve always regretted and then his parents died in quite quick succession.

When I left him for someone else it broke his heart and he wanted to kill himself. He was always there for me even when things went very wrong with the guy I left him for.

As far as I know he only had one more girlfriend then had a nervous breakdown.

I’ve just found out he died a few years ago, he had an alcohol problem and drank himself to death.

I found out a couple of weeks ago and I can’t stop crying, I’m absolutely devastated on so many levels. I know I was young at the time but I feel responsible. Is this reaction normal?

Oh OP, you poor thing.
I think that’s a normal reaction and lots of people would feel the same.
However that doesn’t mean you are responsible for any of this. You did at the time what you felt was best and you were so young. You don’t know that those things wouldn’t have happened anyway even if you’d stayed with him like the breakdown etc.
Hindsight makes you view things in a rose-tinted way. To know that someone you were connected to for a long time and cared very deeply for has passed away would make many people feel the same way as you. It’s the ‘what-ifs’ and the shock of it.

I hope you have someone IRL who can support you

Hearing that news is a big blow but remember the 3 Cs of anyone dealing with someone with addiction/ alcoholism
I didn't cause it
I can't cure it
I can't control it
He was responsible for himself. While it's very sad he ended life as he did you are in no way responsible. Talking about suicide when you broke up with him was not a great sign of a stable person so l think he was going to have difficulties anyway. Grieve a little bit for a wasted life but it's not any way your fault. We all suffer breakups in relationships and that's part of life so you did nothing wrong. Let him go.

Don't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault. My brother was an alcoholic, but despite having a loving family and two gorgeous kids, he drank himself to death.

It wasn't your fault OP, but I'm very sorry that you're suffering from this loss, it must have come as such a shock.

Awww OP

Don't beat yourself up. You had your reasons for doing things the way you did. There's no right or wrong about it... and if you could travel back in time, you'd probably remember why you acted how you chose to and understand how much that made sense for you at the time. So, no regrets, please.

As for him and his mental health, as PPs have said, that's not your responsibility, it really isn't.

It's possible that you sensed some deep-seated fragility/instability in him even back then, and it was not your job to fix it.

Thanks all

@Sawaan please don't ever think this is your fault. My friend at work has been through all of this - she left her husband, his behaviour and drinking was intolerable, and she had to go. A while later he took his own life leaving his two small children behind. She blamed herself for a long time but thankfully got a great counsellor who helped her see that none of this was her fault or something she could have prevented by staying with him. His mental health was not her responsibility. I understand how upsetting it must be to have had this news, OP, but please know that it's absolutely not your fault. Hope you're OK x x

Hmm, a very similar situation occurred with my son's Dad, he had a relationship with someone for a few years when they met at uni, then she left him for someone else. Around the same time, not his parents, but his cousin ( who was more like his brother as he was an only child, died).
I met him a couple of years on from that when visiting a mate at uni who stayed on to do her master's, he was doing his PhD by then.
We all socially drank a fair bit then- young/student life. He carried on, I didn't as much, work, life and motherhood being the priority. In the end, I split from him when DS was 3. Nothing was going to stop his worsening habit, I realised it was best for my DS and I. He died a few years ago, my son was 13. It's a sad waste, he was very clever, could of been so much more, but he was never willing to address issues, always used alcohol as a crutch.

So, I suppose I'd be in the next GF situation, and I have no idea if his previous GF knows of his demise. But I do know that he was a flawed character, shit happens to a lot of people, but they don't all become addicts because of it. That is on him, and maybe in part on his upbringing (wasn't the best for him). His ex, myself or my DS, have nothing to do with it (his parents, maybe another matter).
Some people are stubborn bastards, and will not open up about issues to themselves ever, let alone anyone else, you just can't reach these people, so it's better to walk away or they will drag you down with them. You escaped when young, you did well to. Unfortunately, I had a child with him - he was a shit father, I love my son immeasurably, but I know my life would of been a lot easier if I'd got out sooner as you did. You did the right thing, maybe in the wrong way, but I'm sure your life is all the better for it.

How old are you now?

Its a strange feeling when it happens. At 17(ish) I fell madly in 'love' and subsequently got my heart broken by a lovely guy and over the years did occasionally think about him etc. Sometime last year I read about his death in the paper. He had been an alcoholic for several years, seemed to have mental health issues and was found dead in his flat.
There was the thought at the time I read about it that maybe had we reconnected it wouldn't have happened, that I could have 'changed him/circumstances' but obviously real life isn't like that.
I do .... even now think its very sad that it happened and wonder what had gone so wrong in his life but its something I'll never know.

Thanks for your replies
I know he must have been quite fragile but I do sincerely believe I was a massive contributing factor to his demise.

I don’t understand why you think that op? It was clearly a very long time ago you were with him? Years and years?

Honestly, OP, I can understand you feeling sad to find he’d died, but he had MH problems and was an alcoholic. You didn’t cause either.