Is it possible to rebuild trust?

[EdinaMonsoon]

Just that really. DH wants us to move on and try again but I honestly don't know how I feel. I'll give you the background & say from the outset that I am very anti-porn for ethical & personal reasons: porn was used in the abuse I suffered as a child. DH was aware of this and led me to believe that he shared the same ethical attitude towards it. I should also add that the abuse thankfully doesn't impact on our sex life other than this. We've had a fab sex life up until last year - as I explain below. I absolutely do not want to get into a debate with anyone on here about the rights or wrongs of porn!! I know lots of people are okay with it but I'm not & thought my DH was on the same wavelength.

3 years ago I found out he had been using porn. He swore blind it was a one-off and although I was upset I let it go & put it behind us. Leading up to this time that I caught him he had been vile towards me for several weeks. He was cold & distant, constantly glued to his phone, going to bed early etc so it really hurt because I felt utterly rejected. But we moved on, I forgot about it - wasn't every brought up in arguments etc.

Last year he became distant again. I put it down to being together 24/7 due to lockdown and tbh everyone was in need of space! A few months later, I was using his phone (he was sat right beside me) and it became apparent that the supposed one-off incident from 3 years ago was far from true. Basically his entire social media was awash with images of younger women (including Pinterest FFS). He'd been actively searching for these images and getting off on them. I had 3 days of him repeatedly saying that he had no idea how they got there, making me feel like I was going crazy when I could see for myself that he had clearly curated an entire gallery of women. Then He changed his story again - saying they were from the time he got caught 3 years before, it had gone on for several weeks and not a one-off as he had originally said but hadn't happened after that.

I honestly don't know what to think. I can't see him in the same light any more. We're late 40's/early 50s and the thought that he was getting off to young women the same age as my teen & 20yo sons' girlfriends just makes me feel sick. I have tried to get past it but it makes me feel like crap that my husband actively sought out this fake world rather than be with me. I'm also not convinced that I know the true extent of his online life. How do I know that it actually stopped 3 years ago? I read threads on here and wonder if he was paying for private cams etc?

How do I trust him to tell me the absolute truth and how on earth do I move forward? I've got to the point where I almost don't care about what he's done - I just want the truth of it so I can make a real decision about whether I can move on with him or not. I suppose I feel like he's gaslighting me - denying all knowledge/crying innocence even when presented with actual physical evidence. He doesn't want to go to counselling because he feels embarrassed by his behaviour. FFS.

Why are you engaging in such a arduous, tedious fight?

Relationships are supposed to make your life happier. This one is making you stressed, miserable and angry.

Stop putting pressure on yourself to stay in something that doesn't work. With a man that is doing things that repulse you.

Cut him loose and live your life free and happy instead.

I would be upset if I'm honest and I would want the truth if I were you. I feel from what you've written that you don't think you are getting the truth and it seems that you may be right. I would go with your gut.
I was also abused as a child and have been through a lot of things since with family - there are certain things, although not the same as you, that if my DH wasn't 100% open about I would be similarly very upset. He occasionally brushes the things off and won't answer me or tells me where I can find the answer myself - but when I remind him that I just need him to show me / tell me then he will do as he knows why I need to know. Sorry that's very vague but it's not something I would write down on social media. But my point is that if he couldn't be open and honest about it and I thought he was trying to hide soemthing from me, it would be extremely triggering and upsetting for me. He knows why I need to know, and your DH knows why porn is a massive trigger for you as well - I would be upset if I were you OP. I would feel if he can't be honest about it then maybe its time to consider the relationship, but if he could tell the truth and you were confident it was the truth I likely wouldn't suggest throwing everything away if you were otherwise happy.

@Wanderlusto Your opening sentence perfectly sums up how I feel in what I consider to be my more rational, almost detached moments. The kind where I ask myself how I would advise a friend in the same situation. It is incredibly tedious & arduous & I hate that it takes up so much headspace. I’m 50. I can’t be doing with BS. I literally feel like I can’t be bothered with dealing with it. That I would be happier moving on. Then DH comes along & wants to be close & happy & I try to go along with it. But it confuses my thinking & usually results in my feeling pissed off that I am engaging with someone who has shown me very little respect. We’ve been together for 23 years & I am struggling with letting that go. I suppose that you need to assess what you want a relationship to be vs the reality of the relationship you’re in - no matter how long it’s been.

@OpheliasCrayon I’m so sorry that we have an awful shared experience. I’m grateful for your reply because I know how triggering just reading some threads can be. You’re right when you say that I need to be confident that he is in fact finally being honest. But that’s the thing: I just don’t know any more.