Funeral advice

[something2say]

Hi can I ask for advice please... this worries me.

My father is 79, 80 this year. He's not been a great dad in that he had multiple affairs, our mother left him, she then abused us all and he stood by, or rather we didn't see much of him but he did know. He caught her for example.

I have been no contact for many years, with all of them. But I was in contact with my sister briefly and it went terribly. I never want to see her again.

I re contacted my dad on father's day a year ago. He wont be around for long although in fair health. For anyone who is considering the same, dont! They dont change. My father is haughty and it is clear he doesn't want to be close. One word answers etc. Same as usual.

He was financially involved with my sister for a few years and that went terribly. He says she doesn't want much to do with him going forward.

My issue is, who will arrange the funeral? How will it go if I have to see my sister again? Will we have to have contact? I swore I'd never speak to her again after last time.

But my dad. I loved him even if he didn't love me. Sorting things out could be the last thing I do for him. Would I regret not going, not helping etc. But if I do get involved, I'll be leaving myself open to nastiness from her and I'll worry about it beforehand and dread the funeral.

What do you think? Thank you

If it’s going to cause you that much pain to see your sister again in order to arrange a funeral (for a man you’re not close to) your dad won’t be aware of I wouldn’t go or organise it. Your sister can organise it or if nobody else does the council will arrange something simple.

Funerals are meaningless, they’re for the living and if it won’t help you to be part of it just don’t. Say goodbye to your dad in your own way privately. You do have to prioritise and take care of your own wellbeing OP, don’t put yourself through additional pain out of a sense of duty.

Thanks Lime.

That's so sad tho isn't it. But as you say, I could always do something myself. That might be the answer actually, to go to a nice church near where I live and say goodbye in my own way.

I was thinking also that my partner could respond to any comms from my sister. By not attending however she will be able to say more nasty things about me.

She sounds like she will always be nasty about you no matter what you do. She doesn’t sound like a nice person and I think it’d really help you to find a way to let go of caring what she thinks of you. Even if you went and paid for it and did everything ‘right’ it doesn’t sound like she’d be kind.

If she wants to tell others you’ve behaved badly in not attending then whatever, so be it. Decent people will recognise that you will have your own reasons for attending or not attending and they’re yours alone. Please don’t let her nastiness make you force yourself into something painful ❤️

Will there be relatives and friends who wish to attend his funeral? Sometimes, when elderly die, their friends are too ill or have already died. This happened to someone l knew. The few relatives left used Pure Cremation and were happy with no funeral but did something else later to remember. Do what you feel is right for you, don't go if you don't want to, do remembering in your way.

Hi Frankley

I dont know anyone who would go. My father has lots of arty acquaintances who would attend, but I won't know any of them. I expect my sister will arrange it all if I dont get involved.

Thank you for the responses here. I've been thinking about them. Trouble with not going is that I think I'd regret it as in, it's the wrong thing to do. It's sad that I would not go due to my sister.

And of course we have the whole 'very elderly / may need care' thing to go thro first.

My sil recently passed at a young age of 38. She left her 16yo dd in my care. At her funeral her big sister wasn't welcome due to a falling out we wasn't aware of until the day. You just have to encore negative energy's as it will eat away at you. I wouldn't sort your dad's funeral as it seems that your sis has or did have a relationship with him. Just say your goodbyes privately and be done with it or him. Only you know your family dynamics and be prepared for secrets and the unsaid to be known. You don't need to do it if you are not comfortable with it. As for sil funeral we all put a quarter towards the costs. I brought all flowers and my nice clothes ect .