Do I need to back off?

[DiscontinuedModelHusband]

DW and i are in a bit of a rut.

she's unhappy and a bit overwhelmed at work at the moment, plus has some problems with her side of the family that don't look like resolving themselves any time soon.

on top of this, one of DCs will be leaving home soon, and youngest is reaching a milestone that is hitting home hard that life is moving on quickly.

we are not very good at prioritising time/space for us as a couple - partly because of busy lives/families, and partly because unless i make the effort things don't happen (i'm talking date nights, affection, etc).

i'm now also struggling a bit - partly because i've been working from home over a year now, and have barely any interaction with anyone outside the immediate family and grandparents - I'm feeling very stifled (plus being on my own all day everyday means i have way too much time for self-reflection).

we've had issues in the past where we've both hurt each other, and honestly i don't know if these have been resolved properly on DW's side.

as a result i don't know if she still loves me.
moving from very little time together to no time together isn't helping this feeling.

because of this insecurity, i'm finding myself withdrawing from her which is making the situation worse. but i've always been the one to concede when we disagree, or the one to initiate reconciliations when we have grown distant from each other.

but now i'm reluctant to keep doing this.

this morning we talked about it for the first time in months.
she explained all the things on her mind currently, and how she feels very lonely - at work and at home.

i understand this completely - i feel exactly the same.

i also said how i felt, and why - that i am finding myself withdrawing from her, and that i am very worried what this all means for both of us.
i said that i feel like i need some reassurance. that i still love her, and want to help her, but that it can't always just be a one-way thing.

she said that at the moment, because of everything, she doesn't feel like she has anything else to give right now.

so now i'm stuck.

how hard do i push my feelings and needs?
i completely understand why things are hard for her at the moment, and i really want to help and be there for her.
but nothing there is likely to change in the next few years.

so if i do what i've always done, and swallow my feelings and be there for her, what happens when things start to resolve themselves, and she decides "actually, i don't love you anymore"?

to be clear - this isn't about sex. that's part of it, but i understand fully what DW needs emotionally to be open to that, and we just aren't there right now. i'm ok with that because of the bigger picture.

what should i do?

If this continues there will be unlikely anything to salvage.

Your wife is under huge pressure but unfortunately you are a bit vague but say this will continue for several years.

I think it is reasonable for you to say you need to talk seriously about whether she wants to remain married.

Because what you describe is a marriage dying on it's feet and it will be well over in a couple of years.

Perhaps she is done.
Perhaps she isn't in love with you any more.

Expecting you to hang around for years while her sole focus is elsewhere is not reasonable.

I think you need to be prepared to walk away.
You sound very unhappy for a long time and so does she.

Ye have to be completely honest before you can move forward.

This isn't a blame game.
This should be about telling each other what you want for your future.

If she says that I have too much on my plate and our marriage is not my priority then you may have an answer or at least some honest thinking to do.

Is it her parents?
Is she swamped with caring duties?
Are you able to help her and support her?
Do you think you are doing your share in the house etc?

Because if that IS the case, that sounds very hard.

Either way unless you start really talking to each other, nothing will change.

thank you

it's not caring duties for her (though this may not be too far into our future).

i can't be more specific, as it would be quite outing, which i understand makes things difficult. it's not a trivial matter, and i completely understand why it's taking a large amount of her emotional energy.

when you say If she says that I have too much on my plate and our marriage is not my priority then you may have an answer, this is exactly what i am left wondering.

she would find it very difficult to come out and say "i don't love you anymore", not lease because of the impact it would likely have on her parents.

but what i find difficult to judge, is that of course circumstances arise in life where your core relationship needs to take a back-seat, and patience/understanding is needed.

i guess i just feel like this has been the case for a much longer time, and i'm struggling to see a point at which we can get back to whatever normal was.

i appreciate your words though.

So the relationship wasn't great and now this big thing with her family? I can't in all honesty think in what scenario her parents would want her to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Kids flying the nest/growing up should be something to embrace normally and be proud of. A chance for the next chapter in your lives. Maybe she was just staying for the kids and now they don't need her so much?
Lockdown hasn't been great for a lot of couples and maybe you're both suffering from burnout. Now the end is in sight, it's making you both face up to reality and it doesn't look good.
To be honest, am just guessing here as you have been vague and that's ok but maybe some couple counselling would help where you could fully open up.