Leave him and find someone else?

fedup078 · 28/04/2021 08:22

God no
I kicked h out a month ago and fully expect to be single for good now at 37
It always amazes me how people seem to just go from one relationship to another

Lampan · 28/04/2021 08:25

Relationships aren’t compulsory. The way I see it, it’s way way better to be single than to be in a relationship you want to leave (or would leave if a better option came along).

Lampan · 28/04/2021 08:27

@fedup078 I agree, sometimes I wonder if people who just go from relationship to relationship are compromising just for the sake of having a partner. Or maybe I’m just too picky 😄

seensome · 28/04/2021 08:36

If you wait to meet someone naturally I can understand why it would take years, online dating you get to meet a lot of people so more choices. I met someone 6 months after splitting with my husband, it's not going anywhere even though I have now been with him 18 months so I'm in the dilemma of should I leave and try and find someone else, I really don't think it would take me years, if it takes longer than a year then I'd think it's me.

Original poster

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 28/04/2021 08:46

I wonder if a lot of people just aren't picky.

I only date someone if I feel a real connection with them. I'd far rather be single than just dating anyone. I can't imagine I'd find the connection I want with with lots of men in quick succession really!

I suppose it would be easier if you were just doing that.

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bangheadhere40 · 28/04/2021 08:53

Same here...maybe one a year I would see potential with.

Original poster

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 28/04/2021 08:56

@seensome

If you wait to meet someone naturally I can understand why it would take years, online dating you get to meet a lot of people so more choices. I met someone 6 months after splitting with my husband, it's not going anywhere even though I have now been with him 18 months so I'm in the dilemma of should I leave and try and find someone else, I really don't think it would take me years, if it takes longer than a year then I'd think it's me.

If you're not happy, why not just leave and be on your own for a while?

Surely that would be better than being with the wrong person for the sake of it?

I wouldn't do online dating. I am approached by men in the real world but am only really ever interested in someone evey coupe of years or so. There have been times when I've met someonenshortly afterwards but I wouldn't just dare anyone and am happy on my own.

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ravenmum · 28/04/2021 09:02

I can only make a connection with someone by dating them. So when I've done OLD, I've had multiple dates with different men, to see whether I think I could build a connection with them. Then I've dated the more interesting ones for longer - and only then has it become clear whether a connection was possible.
I wouldn't know how to go about making a connection with them, without meeting them.

ravenmum · 28/04/2021 09:04

I am approached by men in the real world but am only really ever interested in someone evey coupe of years or so.
That's a pretty high rate if you are not actively seeking single men, obviously. Doesn't sound picky at all!

Original poster

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 28/04/2021 09:14

I don't know, i do meet a lot of people through work, hobbies and socialising. I like getting to know people. I haven't given my number to anyone in a pub or whatever for over 20 years - not since I've had a mobile phone tbh! So they are men I've got to know first.

I have dabbled occasionally in online dating in the past but I wouldn't do it now.

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YouAreTheStorm · 28/04/2021 09:21

I agree OP, I'm kind of the same. Came out a long relationship last year and casually dated. Trouble is, it takes me a long time to make a connection with someone. Guys tend to fall for me quicker than I do for them, I'm very guarded and I think I'd only know after 6 months whether this has long term potential. Problem with this is, they give up or lose interest (understandably!) I am quite happy on my own, but conscious that I'm letting some good guys fall by the wayside due to my barriers. It's a tough one.

Alcemeg · 28/04/2021 09:21

I wonder if a lot of people just aren't picky.

I think this is true. Including of me, in the past, I was very passive; if someone showed a strong interest in me, I kind of felt duty bound to "love" them back 🤣

Add to all this the fact that most people seem to get together when drunk, and bob's yer uncle, the recipe for perfect disasters that lower the bar for relationship expectations generally.

I think the recipe for success is

being happy on your own
widening access to potential/eligible partners (avoid OLD though)
being really really really fucking choosy
not taking things at face value, e.g. not necessarily believing what people tell you about themselves (learned this one eventually from experience 😉)

ZombeaArthur · 28/04/2021 09:29

I know a few people who have had multiple long-term relationships, living with each of the partners after a very short period of time, in some cases a matter of weeks. I can’t imagine having enough of a connection with that many people to actually want to live with them and I can’t think of much worse than living with someone I don’t really know in a romantic relationships.

Maybe I’m picky too, but I have to really feel a connection with someone to keep dating them and would need to be about as sure as I can be before I’d want to live with them. I can’t imagine myself having that type of connection with that many people, it just doesn’t happen that way for me.

ravenmum · 28/04/2021 09:29

If you don't like OLD then fair enough. I have wfh for the last 12 years and my hobbies are very female-heavy, so there are not many men in my life naturally. I haven't been asked out by anyone I've met in real life for years, and I wasn't interested in them. If I left it up to chance, then it would take ages. I'm happy with OLD or old-fashioned lonely hearts ads.

I like getting to know people, too; I meet people on OLD and then I get to know them. People who do OLD are maybe not as peculiar as you think :)

My children are grown up so there's no rush to settle down, and I can just date away happily and find out what they are like. Now in something a bit more serious, but like a PP my experience has been that if you actively go out looking rather than waiting for your prince to come, you can find some interesting candidates quite rapidly.
After I split up with my exh, I didn't date for almost 2 years, but once I started OLD I soon found someone I liked.

Original poster

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 28/04/2021 09:55

I can’t imagine having enough of a connection with that many people to actually want to live with them

I guess that's how I feel.

ravenmum I don't judge people who do OLD! I've done it myself in the past but i really didnt like it. I suppose if you do that then it is far easier to get out and meet someone else. I think I'm just surprised at how easily people throw around, "Dump him and find someone better." I get the dumping part! But the meet someone else bit has always left me wondering how people do it so easily!

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ravenmum · 28/04/2021 10:11

I'm at the stage in life when I'm more likely to advise people to dump him and enjoy living on their own :) But I don't think those giving this advice mean that the poster should go out looking again straight away. Even if you waited a year or two before the next one came along, it would still count as meeting someone else.

What makes me sad is the number of people who are often only in their 20s sticking with someone they've known just a couple of years (or even a few months) because they feel too enmeshed or committed to leave and think it's their only chance.

Original poster

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 28/04/2021 10:21

What makes me sad is the number of people who are often only in their 20s sticking with someone they've known just a couple of years (or even a few months) because they feel too enmeshed or committed to leave and think it's their only chance.

Same here.

I the idea of finding The One and settling down, having a family and all that 'normal' stuff is so toxic.

I've tried to raise my children with the belief that a relationship can be great but you don't need to find one as soon as possible and there is no shame in walking away if it doesn't work. Be the best version of you and find someone who complements that.

So many of my daighter's friends are desperate for a boyfriend for validation and they're not even 15 yet.

I remember my mum telling me that i couldn't end my second 'serious' relationship at 26 because I already had one failed relationship behind me and I couldn't afford another! I had no support and felt pressured to stay. It went on to become one of the most damaging experiences of my life and I will feel the impact of it for the rest of it.

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takeanotherchillpill · 28/04/2021 10:58

@HadToPutTheHeatingOn

I've just read this advice on another thread. It seems to be a common piece of advice.

I'm not really talking about LTB situations where someone is being a dick and has potentially worn the OP down, just early stages of dating/young relationships stuff.

Now, obviously, if a newish relationship isn't working out then it would he sensible to leave but I wonder more about the finding someone else bit.

It takes a lot for me to want to date someone. I probably meet someone once every 2 or 3 years who I'm interested in and probably only one in three of those is someone I could see real potential with.

Do some people really really find it that easy?

Just curious really!

I always take the intention to be "leave him/her and you both then have the opportunity to find somebody else".

ravenmum · 28/04/2021 11:04

I remember my mum telling me that i couldn't end my second 'serious' relationship at 26 because I already had one failed relationship behind me and I couldn't afford another!
One case where MN's admittedly not very nuanced advice would have been more helpful!

YouAreTheStorm · 28/04/2021 11:13

I remember my mum telling me that i couldn't end my second 'serious' relationship at 26 because I already had one failed relationship behind me and I couldn't afford another! I had no support and felt pressured to stay. It went on to become one of the most damaging experiences of my life and I will feel the impact of it for the rest of it.

I've also experienced this from friends, family etc - also from my own head - you always have a niggling thought of "what if I don't meet anyone else?" - so you stick with a relationship that is OK but not great. At least I have. It's all well and good to say you need to be happy alone, but not many would want to be alone for the rest of their lives.....

Original poster

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 28/04/2021 11:33

@ravenmum

I remember my mum telling me that i couldn't end my second 'serious' relationship at 26 because I already had one failed relationship behind me and I couldn't afford another! One case where MN's admittedly not very nuanced advice would have been more helpful!

Ha definitely!! If only...

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