Husband belittles me

[CherryBird]

I am 57 years old and have been married coming up to 20 years this year.
I have had arguments with my husband due to him constantly telling me I'm wrong about every little thing or he will just disagree with my viewpoint no matter what that may be. I pointed out to him that he does this but he says he doesn't realise he does it. He promises to try not to do it anymore which works for a while before slowly bit by bit it starts to creep in again.
He works from home mostly now but does go into the office once a week, he will then say in a jokey way that I can get my boyfriend around once he's gone out.
If I go out to see friends (not that this happens much now with covid) he says things like "did I say you could go out? I've not given you my permission" again this is said in a lighthearted jokey way. I've noticed too that he has started to do physical things like hold me down on the bed or pick me up and hold me so I cant get down again, all done in a playful jokey way.
We have had arguments where he accuses me of not showing him affection, something I have accused him of in the past.
I have got to a point where I realise we have never really had that much in common, from political views to different senses of humour. This didn't really matter before but it's starting to feel more important as we get older.
Basically I'm not sure that I am in love with him anymore, although I do still love him if that makes sense.
I guess I'm asking for advice on what I should do, I think about leaving him but the thought of a future on my own feels scary at my age.
We do get on a lot of the time but it feels like we are both having to try too hard and an argument is never that far away.

I joke to my husband that my boyfriend can’t come over now he’s working from home full time. We have a fairly relaxed relationship though, he knows I’m joking. What do you say back to his comments?

The physical things are more concerning. If you’re not happy though and you don’t sound it then you should consider ending it

The comments I might let go or make my own response to (ooh thanks for reminding me to phone Fernando etc) but the physical issues are worrying. He's trying to exert dominance and has the potential to escalate - not saying it will, there is the risk.

If you're not happy and all the two of you is row it might be time to think about some time apart if you can't see a way past this. Would you consider couples' counselling?

Would you be happier living alone with nobody else to answer to? If yes then that's your worst case scenario really.

I left my exh when I was 57 - I realised that if I lived to the same age as my mother then I had another 30 years of disappointing marriage ahead of me.

I've noticed too that he has started to do physical things like hold me down on the bed or pick me up and hold me so I cant get down again, all done in a playful jokey way

Since this is new behaviour and it's in addition to his 'jokey' comments, I'd say it's worrying and that he's pushing your boundaries, seeing just how much he can get away with before you really say something. That in itself a really bad sign because why would a loving, respectful husband even be doing that? He's already crossed the line in my opinion just by trying this on with you.

If you want to stay and test him, spell it out for him so there's no room for miscommunication - wait for a chance until you're sat down together, and say you don't want any more 'jokey' comments about you going out or he giving you 'permission' (weird). There will be no more physical show of dominance like pinning you on the bed or anything like it such as tickling. Say that if he continues to act like a wanker that you'll leave him.

I have a feeling that it won't matter to him and he'll carry on, or find covert ways to punish you via more negative comments or sulking. At this point you will know for sure that he intends to carry on and that is not a man to be trusted with caring for you as you both age.

When he makes the jokey comments about me having a man over when he's out I laugh them off, but I told him I don't really like him saying it along with him joking about giving me permission to go out and see my friends. He will say things like I should lighten up, maybe I should take it as a joke but it feels controlling even if said in jest.
I do think that he does try to exert his dominance with the physical thing and by belittling me it makes him feel better about himself.
Just today we argued about an incident while we were out walking the dogs. I saw a man beating his dog as he came from out of some woodland. I shouted to him that I had seen what he had done and that he shouldn't hit his dog. My husband just walked off and said nothing. I was still raging and said how disgusting it was that this man was hitting his dog, my husband true to form would not support my view but said maybe this was how the man trained his dog. I know for a fact that he didn't believe what he had said but just didn't want to agree with me on it. Later he said to me that I should not have been confrontational with the man and I should listen to his constructive criticism.
I guess this just illustrates where we are at in our relationship.
I'd be interested to know what others would have done in the situation. My husband just made me feel like I was wrong and should have said nothing and walked away as he did.

You're husband is set in his ways;he wants a woman who'll be his subordinate rather than his equal.A classic abuser phrase is telling their victim "you can't take a joke" or "you have no sense of humour".

The holding you down/holding you isn't necessarily a physical show of dominance but rather a way of humiliating and degrading you.

It's never too late to change things if you're unhappy. You could have 30 years or more in front of you.

I would have shouted at the man beating his dog.

I couldn't be with a man who didn't shout at someone hitting a dog, to be honest. He sounds like a prick.

Dear OP, your post reminds me of me and my situation. I have been with my DH for 25 years and just last year I decided I had enough of it. It took me that long to get to that point b/c just like yours my H appears like a decent guy, not perfect but ok. Especially from outside he looks like a perfect husband and father. The truth is that he is very difficult person to deal with, very narcissistic, stubborn and controlling. Only now, after I really sat down with myself and started writing “inventory” of his behavior, finally going to therapy and reading all these posts here on MN did I allow myself to say that this is not acceptable. I finally admitted to myself that I am not happy and I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling miserable. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

And so do you!!!

The thing about the "jokes" are that if the joker is persisting with the same theme , they are often trying to deliver an actual message i.e. it isn't really a joke at all.

Coupled with the holding you down and refusing to admit when you are (clearly) right, he is letting you know where you belong in the pecking order and that in his view you must stay there.

you indicate that this has got worse in recent years. I wonder if something has changed which is challenging his feeling of masculine dominance. You mention you are 57. have you had children who have now left home? Do you now work full time and could you support yourself without him? I wonder if this might be behind it. He doesn't want you getting any ideas about a new life without him.

I do get glimmers of this from my (usually very reasonable) husband occasionally (I do stamp it back down again haha) but it seems to flare up when I get a promotion or pay rise etc. (I now earn quite a lot more than him which I think he finds emasculating). For example I will ask if he has any plans for the weekend because I am planning to meet a friend and wanted to check it is convenient/that there will be someone home for the kids. He will sometimes say "Why? Where are you going and how long are you going to be?" and I have to say very firmly that I am not asking for permission, simply asking out of courtesy if it is convenient. "Oh" he will say "I don't mind you going out". "Well, that is irrelevant seeing as I am an adult and do not need your permission". He then seems to get the message. But annoyingly it does seem buried somewhere deep within him, perhaps subconsciously, that men should be in charge of women, though he strongly denies it. He knows I would be off like a shot if he voiced those opinions. It is annoying nonetheless.

You’re right loveyourself2020 we DO deserve to be happy.
We have a son Honeylulu who is at his second year at Uni.
I don’t work now, I left my job when we had to move away due to my husband getting a job in a different area. I have recently started to take my private pension so I am less dependant on my husband now. I am an artist and make things I sell at craft markets (or did before the pandemic hit) The thing is I’m quite proud of my work and people like it and buy it but I never seem to get much input from my husband. I used to show him my work but the best response I could expect was him saying “very nice” and that was it. I now don’t bother to show him and he never comes in to ask what I’m up to. I think you may be right in that he is feeling emasculated, he can’t take any criticism that may suggest he is less than a man even small ridiculous things. He never used to be like this but it does seem to be worse if things go well for me in any way shape or form which is very sad really.

Do you want to be in this situation in 20 years? Sweetheart, leave, make yourself happy, you deserve it.

He is not your friend then. Sounds more like your enemy.

Imagine if a friend or a work colleague behaved like this? Content, healthy, secure people with balanced self esteems and loving relationships celebrate their partner's successes. When you are happy, they are usually happy to. They don't secretly feel pleased when you fail or something goes wrong for you. They don't deliberately disagree with you on purpose, belittle you at every turn, make jokes at your expense, withhold compliments and more - those are the actions of an enemy trying to grind you down and keep you in your place.

Again, I would think very carefully about if you want him to be around you when you're extra vulnerable when he's already behaving like a twat now when you're healthy and able.

Holding you down is his way of showing you he wants to control you because he knows he can't, but really he is controlling you when he makes your life unhappy.

My husband was like this. Nothing I ever did was right and he made sure I knew about it. We argued over trivial things all the time because of him. We couldn't have a conversation without him being nasty and it wore me down and made me miserable.

There were other things too but these things were relentless and I am glad we are not together anymore. The day he left I knew there would be no more arguing or shouting or being told off ever again.

Tell him you want a trial separation.

he doesn't sound like he likes you very much.

He defending some bloke he doesn't know beating his dogs just to disagree with you. imagine defending a dog being beaten rather than agree with your wife??? wtf?

If I go out to see friends (not that this happens much now with covid) he says things like "did I say you could go out? I've not given you my permission" again this is said in a lighthearted jokey way. I've noticed too that he has started to do physical things like hold me down on the bed or pick me up and hold me so I cant get down again, all done in a playful jokey way.

plus this is very disturbing.

I'd be gone OP.

He sounds awful! Jealous and threatened by your strength and creativity.

Thank you for your comments it’s been good to see it from a different perspective. Sometimes I think that maybe it’s me over reacting to things (something he tells me a lot) I have been going through the menopause and find I get more emotional and depressed easily so perhaps misreading situations. I have told him again to stop behaving the way he has been as I won’t put up with it and that I felt I did the right thing in regards to the dog incident and I don’t need his “constructive criticism “ on it! I know he will now try again to curb his behaviour so will see how long it lasts, but if we get back to all this again I will think about asking for a trial separation. I don’t think seeing marriage guidance would help as he is reluctant to talk about how he is feeling about things even to me.

I think you should listen to your gut, @CherryBird, and don't override your own intuition with his explanations.

Wow, he defended a man beating his dog just to be contrary? That is bizarre. These Devil's Advocate type men are all so irritating anyway. They actually have no true opinions of their own, they just say the opposite of your view because they're empty shells and the friction of disagreement is the only thing that validates them as a person.

I also think he is intimidated by your creativity and independence so he's trying to knock you down a peg or two whenever he can. Do you want to stay with him? You don't have to, and it doesn't have to be acrimonious, you can consciously uncouple like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.