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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there really any point in calling out this friend on her flaky behaviour?

7 replies

TrojaninTroy · 27/04/2021 13:46

So I have a friend of ten years' standing. We met - and still stumble over each other - professionally. We do similar freelance jobs and met whilst doing our training. We used to meet for lunch about once a month and then of course COVID kicked in and we couldn't do that. But when restrictions lifted last summer we did meet in each other's gardens.

But since last September she says she has been too busy. OK, I get that for various reasons friendships fluctuate. Since then she's suggested phone calls, Zoom catch-ups etc and now coffee outside. But here's the thing: every time I respond, with "I'd love a catch-up on the phone/zoom/in the backgarden/wherever", she then doesn't reply. Until a few weeks later when she'll suggest it again. A couple of times she's apologised with "I've been very busy with work, you know how it is ..." (no, I don't actually), but honestly who's that busy that they don't even have time for a phone call, especially when they're the ones suggesting it in the first place?

It's very frustrating, and feels like breadcrumbing to me. I'm at the point of just ignoring her messages or alternatively, telling her that I don't like her way of doing things and I'm not going to engage with it any more.

Dear Mumsnetters, am I being slightly unreasonable here? I feel like I've given the situation lots of chances and don't particularly want to meet with her again now. But given that I will eventually bump into her again in a professional capacity, what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Ivebeeninlockdowntoolong · 27/04/2021 14:00

Ooh breadcrumbing, not heard that term before but it sounds very apt for this situation.

I have had a very similar exchange with someone and finally I've decided to not bother offering any dates / chances to meet up etc. But she's clearly content with SMS and FB communication.

It's not just you. It happens a lot. No, I don't know why either.

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:31

I have a similar friend who has made arrangements with me (even let me leave the house etc) before telling me she can’t make it etc. I have 3 children and she has non, so for me to leave the house with/without the kids it takes a lot of preparation! Lol. I’ve stopped taking her serious and until she turns up at my door to do something I won’t get ready/exchange dates etc.

TrojaninTroy · 27/04/2021 18:19

Thank you for your replies @Ivebeeninlockdowntoolong and @YouKnowNothingJonSnow1.

I suspect that if a friend uses this way to drop another friend then there is no right way to deal with it. Calling them out on it lays one open to a charge of paranoia and deciding just to ignore in future makes it appear as though I am the one who is dropping them.

Technology, such as emails and WhatsApp support this kind of behaviour, sadly. In the old days I suspect people dropped friends by not just returning phone calls & letters. Life was so much simpler then!

OP posts:
eeemmmoooooo · 27/04/2021 19:29

Haha I have a "friend" like this! Oohh we should do this and that, so I ask when, she asks when I'm free and then I never hear again! Cba with her anymore! Xx

maddy68 · 27/04/2021 19:31

Zoom calls are so tiresome. I absolutely hate them. Maybe it's that ? In person is very different

Cindy87 · 27/04/2021 19:34

In a similar way, I am really sick of whatsapp group messages which say "miss you!" and "can't wait to get together again!" erm... We can get together again? Why don't people just suggest a date? Feels so inauthentic.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/04/2021 23:18

I think if you've got to see her professionally I wouldn't call her out. I'd take it as a 'we must do lunch sometime' comment that you know will never happen...I'd just respond with a 'sounds good' or a thumbs up - something equally non committal and generic

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