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Original poster

Looking at pictures

57 replies

Vickyjane88 · 27/04/2021 09:57

I've noticed my partner as looked at a couple of pictures of women on Facebook, they live local to us he hasn't liked them or messaged them that I know of. Maybe they popped up in people you may know.

How would you feel about this because I don't know how to feel about it.

I trust him 100 %

OP posts:
Ihatesalad · 27/04/2021 11:21

I would be a total hypocrite if I said i didn't like it (although I don't) as I look up old boyfriends from over 30 years ago, old boyfriends of friends of mine, old classmates, (male and female), old colleagues (male and female) just people I once knew in some capacity-- guess its just sheer noseiness!!

However I don't actively go out there looking for pictures of hot young blokes, at 59, I cant be arsed and most of the 'hot' looking men it seems are gay anyway my younger friends tell me.

Original poster
Vickyjane88 · 27/04/2021 11:26

@Phoenix121

I don't understand what's wrong with looking.

I look at all sorts of things I find interesting and/or attractive. That occasionally includes people.

Are you worried that he's thinking about them in a sexual way?

Yeah I am.
OP posts:
WildGarlicTime · 27/04/2021 11:31

Isn't that what Facebook is for?!

In all seriousness though, absolutely everyone does this. I'm sure you've looked at other profiles. So does he. I can totally understand why this might make you feel uncomfortable, I think I would if I found my husband doing the same thing. Which is why I wouldn't check his search history. He probably does it, but I just don't want to know.

In my view, it's totally natural to look at other people when you're in a relationship. He hasn't done anything dishonest. If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up. I think snooping through search history is worse than him looking at Facebook profiles. I'd be furious if my husband was checking at what I was looking at online.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you need to let this one slide.

clpsmum · 27/04/2021 11:36

It doesn't sound like you do trust him 100% tbh

Sparklfairy · 27/04/2021 11:47

@Bluntness100

He wouldn't mind? If you were looking at pics of other men?? Why not

What? It’s Facebook! I’m certainly not disrespecting my husband if I look at some hot blokes Facebook,. 😂

Someone said upthread 'the rule of 'look don't touch' has changed with SM. I think it's true. Do you gawp at 'hot blokes' in the street? Just because you're anonymous behind a screen and the bloke doesn't know, doesn't make it any less... weird?

Maybe I'm the weird one. I've looked up people (male and female) on fb but it really doesn't interest me, so I don't bother anymore. Even being nosey, most stuff is locked down so there's nothing much to even see. Looking through multiple photos of anyone online is odd behaviour imo, but I'm not massively on SM so as I said, I might be the weird one!

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2021 11:50

She’s not seen him look never mind know if he’s “gawping” . Calm down.

Original poster
Vickyjane88 · 27/04/2021 11:56

@WildGarlicTime

Isn't that what Facebook is for?!

In all seriousness though, absolutely everyone does this. I'm sure you've looked at other profiles. So does he. I can totally understand why this might make you feel uncomfortable, I think I would if I found my husband doing the same thing. Which is why I wouldn't check his search history. He probably does it, but I just don't want to know.

In my view, it's totally natural to look at other people when you're in a relationship. He hasn't done anything dishonest. If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up. I think snooping through search history is worse than him looking at Facebook profiles. I'd be furious if my husband was checking at what I was looking at online.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you need to let this one slide.

I wasn't snooping I was looking for a page I recently went on and it caught my eye because he really never goes on Facebook on the family computer.
OP posts:
Phoenix121 · 27/04/2021 11:58

I hate to break it to you, OP, but most men do indeed have sexual thoughts about other women from time to time. It doesn't mean they're going to act on it.

It's more annoying when they look at people you actually know in real life as opposed to some Instagram account, of course.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2021 12:04

If you do trust him 100% then what’s the issue? It doesn’t seem anything much to be worried about to me

gannett · 27/04/2021 12:18

He asked me last night what I was looking at I showed him and I said men which it wasn't he knew this, he said he wouldn't be bothered if I look. But to me that feels like he doesn't care about me.

Completely bonkers. What on earth is it like to live with this level of insecurity and paranoia?

People who have eyes look. Men and women. We look at things which are pleasing or interesting to us for whatever reason. This includes sexually attractive people. It's insane to think you can or should control what someone looks at.

GoodnightOwl · 27/04/2021 12:20

Doesn't everyone "look"?

I honestly wouldn't care.

MMmomDD · 27/04/2021 12:48

I think it’s strange to assume that we lose the ability to see other people as sexual beings once we pair up and settle down.
So - if anyone’s partner claims that they can’t possibly find other people attractive - you can be sure they are just telling you what they think you want to hear. This isn’t how nature works.

However - recognising other people’s sexual attractiveness is not the same as acting on it, though. Pairing up means giving up that part. And it’s a big stretch to say that lolll at pictures is ‘acting’ on it.

So - I personally disagree with a poster above who said her partner was looking at pictures (wank bank), hence she cheated on him. One doesn’t lead to the other. Doesn’t justify it in any way.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2021 17:34

I hate to break it to you, OP, but most men do indeed have sexual thoughts about other women from time to time. It doesn't mean they're going to act on it

Everyone does, unless you’re hugely repressed. It’s a natural reaction that can’t be suppressed. And looking at someone’s face book page is hardly in the same league as gawping at women in the street in front of you or anything like that.

This whole “ it’s hugely disrespectful to even look at another woman” smacks as some form of weird religious cult thing.

baileys6904 · 27/04/2021 18:11

Should we blindfold our men as well, when they're out and about? And fuck, taking them swimming or a beach, who knows where they'll look!! Glance one sec, next one falling over and landing withtheir penis in some woman's vagina, its bound to happen...

Nope couldn't care less, he can look at who he likes and vice versa. Trust him implicitly, as does he.

If someone's going to cheat, they will, whether they like photos online or not

VeganVeal · 27/04/2021 18:42

Probably just looking for something to pop into the wank bank. How are things generally, any sexual problems?

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 03:06

I always think it’s amusing that men say ‘oh I don’t mind if you look at men ‘ Of course they don’t damn well mind . We live in a world where men are not repeatedly valued predominately on their looks and youth in the same way as women are . If you were to start admiring and liking the profiles of richer or more romantic men he may see it differently . Or if women got emotional needs met through male friends in the same way many men get their sexual needs met though other women and claim it doesn’t count cause it’s only online .
It’s also interesting to note that woman are almost always represented way more sexually and suggestively on social media than men are
I simply don’t think that a ‘muscle man ‘ type image or a hot guy in his skimpy clothing can be compared to the type of getting topless and looking back over their shoulder or with legs spread images of very young women that many men look at . Not even to begin with the way women are portrayed in porn compared to men who’s faces are often not even shown whilst women are zoomed in on . Old overweight typical dad bods with young model like 18 yr old types stuff
I know that your guy was NOT looking at porn but it’s all contextual and I think , adds to why most men don’t care less what women look at . They simply are valued as human beings for things other like life experience , personality , etc other than their looks in ways women are not . I think this is a huge part of why many women feel worried when they see men looking at other women’s pictures . There’s an awareness of this double standard and the sexual connotations . Your partner may have been completely innocent in his looking , but I get why it may bother you

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 03:07

@VeganVeal

Probably just looking for something to pop into the wank bank. How are things generally, any sexual problems?
Wtaf

Yeah this is the type of stuff I’m talking about

Suzi888 · 28/04/2021 03:25

I look people up all the time, because I’m nosy Grin can’t sleep and bored! Categorically not to perv! Hmm

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 06:03

@Suzi888

I look people up all the time, because I’m nosy Grin can’t sleep and bored! Categorically not to perv! Hmm
This might be the case with the OPs partner too although the fact that he said he doesn’t care if she looks but doesn’t touch implies that this May well be about the perv ? OP can you just ask him flat out why he was looking at those pictures in particular . That might open the way for some dialogue or at least you will know exactly what’s going on and why he does it ?
Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 06:08

And ftr I also agree it’s normal to find others attractive when we are married or partnered however I personally feel it crosses a line when we feel the need to stalk strangers behind our partners backs for our ‘wank bank’
Seen many attractive men in my life and never once felt the need to drop my panties and flick the beanGrin
Which I’ll stress once again OP , he may or may not be doing

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 06:13

@MMmomDD

I think it’s strange to assume that we lose the ability to see other people as sexual beings once we pair up and settle down. So - if anyone’s partner claims that they can’t possibly find other people attractive - you can be sure they are just telling you what they think you want to hear. This isn’t how nature works.

However - recognising other people’s sexual attractiveness is not the same as acting on it, though. Pairing up means giving up that part. And it’s a big stretch to say that lolll at pictures is ‘acting’ on it.

So - I personally disagree with a poster above who said her partner was looking at pictures (wank bank), hence she cheated on him. One doesn’t lead to the other. Doesn’t justify it in any way.

But at the end of the day MMmomDD does matter of you ‘personally ‘ don’t think having a wank bank is cheating . Nor does it matter if the man thinks it is or not . What matters at the end of the day is the partner who feels cheated on and who’s boundaries have been crossed , particularly if they have clearly told the partner that it’s a dealbreaker. Your actually realise a huge number of women do indeed feel it’s cheating and they are totally justified to whatever feelings they have What’s ok by you is up to you and what’s ok by them is not for you to judge
Original poster
Vickyjane88 · 28/04/2021 06:34

I don't need to ask him why. I know why he's looked now.

OP posts:
Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 06:48

Hopefully it’s all sorted and turned out not to be anything to worry about Vickyjane

inappropriateraspberry · 28/04/2021 06:59

If they're people that live locally and not complete strangers, then I would have thought he was just being nosey. I often end up clicking on profile pics to see if I recognise them or their friends (male or female).
He hasn't hidden it, it wasn't porn, just a couple of photos of people. Has he messaged them, or have a history of chasing other women? If not, I really wouldn't be worried about it.
If you can never look at the opposite sex, we'd be walking around with our eyes closed and could never watch TV again!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 28/04/2021 07:02

he said he wouldn't be bothered if I look. But to me that feels like he doesn't care about me.

What made you think like that? Your own behaviour or previous relationships?

I know OH isn't bothered if I look or even chat with a guy. That's because he trust me. He knows I wouldn't do anything online or in real life that would hurt him or jeopardise our relationship.

Tbh , it's more likely we'd break up if he was bothered. Irrational jealousy is not an attractive trait and when it escalates is damn right toxic. Been there,done that. Never again. It's not a measure of care and love, it's an expression of control and sense of ownership.